Closer
by Salvaje Caballo
Summary: "The world was on fire and no one could save me but you" CI,wicked game . A different version of New Moon where a plot twist changes the story. There's a livejournal-page with pictures etc. that goes with the story. E/B. Rated M because of some coarse language, adult themes and descriptions of violence. I might add an epilogue later.
1. Chapter 1

**You'll notice that Bella's past has been changed. I did that to add another reason for her to stay in Forks when Edward has left and to add something to her character that makes her more "my own". In other words, it's Bella, but she's a bit different (both personality and history). **

**And here's a stop motion-animation-thingy I made a while ago that fits very well with this story:**

** watch?v=sqCBIBu_JQY**

**I have a LiveJournal-page with pictures to the story as well, but I can't post it yet (spoilers). **

**Preface soundtrack:**

**Susanne Sundfør – The Brothel **

PREFACE

Orson Welles once said, "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone." I used to find it such a pessimistic way to think. _We're born into a family, we live with our loved ones, and if we're lucky, we die in their arms, _I thought.

I don't anymore.

Loneliness is the scariest thing there is. It leaves you with the company of your thoughts, and nothing else. Your mind starts to shrink away, and your heart withers. Your thoughts become echoes of previous thoughts, until you stop bothering to think at all. And with that, you lose even the company of your own mind.

Most people will say they have been lonely at some point in their lives, but it's a word that has lost its true and terrifying meaning. Very few people have ever been completely alone.

No one is waiting for you at the end of the road. There's nothing to leave, nowhere to go and nothing to return to. The world becomes an empty hole, and the only reason you exist is because there's nothing else to do.

My eyes didn't truly see the empty road as I raced down the I-90 in Jacob's Volkswagen Rabbit, leaving city after city behind me.

There were only dark clouds ahead, coming closer.

**Chapter 1 Soundtrack:**

**CocoRosie – Werewolf**

**Placebo – Running Up That Hill**

**Thriving Ivory – Flower for a Ghost (The only human-part of the song has always made me think about Bella)**

CHAPTER 1: THERAPY

"Bella. I think it's time you start talking." I looked up, a little dumbfounded. "But I _have_ been talking." She gave me an understanding and sweet smile. She was always so damn understanding. It bugged me. Dr. Meredith Davis. Her name bugged me too. At least annoyance was an emotion, which was a rare thing for me. Feeling things was something I'd put behind me a long time ago.

"You've been here five times, and each time you've told me about school that day, what you're going to make your father for dinner later, what test you have to study for, which subjects you're good at… You haven't said a word about the events that brought you here." I rolled my eyes and sighed. "My _father_ brought me here." I'd made that very clear the first time I sat down on this damn comfortable couch in this annoyingly soothing room; I didn't want to be here, I was forced to. The memory of it flashed before my eyes.

"_Okay, that's it. I've had it with you. Bella, this is not normal." I looked up at him, startled. Charlie's eyes looked red and his face was twisted in a frustrated grimace. He looked like he was forcing himself not to cry. It broke my already smashed heart to see it. "What did I do?" I asked, confused and startled. We'd been eating dinner quietly. I'd just been looking out the window, thinking about absolutely nothing while my eyes stared at the leaves dancing in the wind before his outburst figuratively woke me up. "Nothing." he said, still angry. He looked away and sighed, trying to calm himself. "That's the problem. You're like a robot, Bella. You're … you're almost catatonic. Something's got to change. I'm done waiting for it to pass in silence, because I can see now that that wont happen." _

Dr. Davis brought me back to reality. "I know. But we're here now, so why not try to sort this out. Let's start at the beginning. I know you were in a relationship and that it ended. Why don't you start by telling me about him?" She smiled sweetly at me, trying to be encouraging in her tone and manner. I bit my lip thinking. Then I smiled a little as I imagined myself saying "Well, it all started when I fell in love with this vampire that went to my school, Edward." Then my smile faded as my stomach twisted in a painful way. I knew therapy wouldn't help. I only went for Charlie, and I always did my best to smile and act alive when I came home every Thursday afternoon, trying to make him think that I was healing. I wasn't so sure the smiles reached my eyes though, because his returning smiles never did.

Thinking about that, his sad smiles, made me determined to try. I would really try therapy. I would try to talk about the things that brought me here. "His name is Edward," I said in a small voice. I cleared my throat and looked down at my hands. His name made my stomach twist again. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold everything together. It felt like I was coming apart, because his name was so much more than a name. It was memories. The memories tore me apart.

Dr. Davis nodded and gave me another encouraging smile. I continued. "He left about 4 months ago. He was… special. It's hard to explain. He was a very good person. He was perfect." I was saying the words but I forced myself into a dumb state where I could barely notice them. I was speaking lethargically, without emotion. It was the only way to say the words out loud. Dr. Davis' face went serious. "No one's perfect, Bella. It's important not to put people on pedestals. We all have flaws, it's only human." _Only human_, I thought bitterly. I exhaled loudly and closed my eyes for a few seconds, trying not to feel the pain, which was impossible.

"It's very hard for me to talk about. I try not to remember." I said. I was a little surprised at how calm and even my voice was. I still had my arms wrapped around myself, but my face was composed and my voice was calm, a contradiction to how I felt on the inside. "Maybe we'll start with an easy one – one of the classics. Try to name some of his flaws." She smiled at me again. "Uhm… well. I don't know. He was very protective, which was sweet, but it also made me feel a little… weak. Then again, his protectiveness saved my life, so I can't really call that a flaw."

_Port Angeles. I had gotten lost trying to find the restaurant where I was supposed to meet Angela and Jessica... Surrounded by big figures on all sides… My throat going dry as I planned to start screaming… trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker... Headlights... His car rounding the corner at full speed... Opening the passenger door… "Get in"… Relief._

I shook my head, trying to shake it out of my brain. "That wasn't a very good one, was it," I said, not really asking. "It's something," she answered, always with that damn smile. "Keep going," she encouraged. I sighed for the thousandth time. "Well… He had a problem with his temper, I guess." Dr. Davis had been writing something in her note-pad and looked up suddenly. "Bella, did Edward ever abuse you?" she asked in a serious tone, all smiles gone. A high-pitched laugh escaped from my lips. It sounded weird. I hadn't laughed in over four months. It was a humorless laugh. "He was nothing like that," I said.

The memories kept on coming. I pictured them like an ocean being held back by a huge wall of wooden planks. Each question made one of the planks fall, and a wave of memories came at me with full force.

_Edward touching my hands and arms in the meadow with the lightest touch I'd ever felt. His skin sparkling in the sun. The electricity between my skin and his fingers. The wonderful sensation. Edward kissing me in my bedroom, so soft and gentle, like I was made out of glass._

Dr. Davis smiled, and I looked down and away from all of her sweetness and understanding. "Take your time, Bella," she said. But I was done. The memories kept coming at me, and it was too much. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," I said, my voice no longer calm. "Bella, this is important. If you're going to get better –" but I interrupted her. "Then this is _not_ the right way to do it." She looked a little taken aback by my rudeness. "You shouldn't keep all of this locked up, Bella. It doesn't work that way."

We were both quiet for a while. I tightened my arms around my torso and tried to slow my breathing. I had a hole in my chest, somewhere around where my heart should be. It was normally just a hollow feeling, but now that the memories were no longer locked up tight, it felt like it was burning.

I looked up at the clock over her head, and it showed 5 pm. It was over. "We're done," I said and got up from the couch. Dr. Davis sighed. "See you next week, Bella," she said and smiled at me, but I couldn't return it.

It took all the strength I had left in me to tell her politely goodbye and walk at a normal pace towards the door. When I'd closed it behind me, I ran. I ran through the waiting room, past all the ugly paintings in the hallway and down the stairs until I reached the first floor bathroom. I locked the door with shaking hands, and then I collapsed and let the pain eat me whole.

A long time had passed. Maybe two hours, maybe a week. I had been in a ball on the floor, trying with all my strength to keep myself from breaking into a thousand little pieces. I hadn't felt this kind of pain in such a long time. It wasn't any better than it had been 4 months ago, but I realized as I lay there that I had in fact gotten better at controlling it. I had been controlling it, and I could do it now. I needed to feel better at once, because I couldn't bare it any longer. So I saw two options: I could start the process of making myself numb again, but that would take a couple of days at best now that so many memories we're out of their cage and poisoning me, or I could forget the past months and truly and entirely let myself remember the time before them. That way I would feel happy for a few seconds, enough to get myself off of this disgusting floor. Then again, that would mean more pain later.

Then I got angry. There I was, lying on a dirty bathroom floor, panting and crying. I was miserable and pathetic. It couldn't be this way. Life couldn't be like _this_, and _I_ could _not_ be like this. A helpless, scared little girl? That wasn't me. I got up, still breathing heavily and too fast, but now more with anger than pain. I opened the door with unnecessary force and ran out of the building. _I'll never come back. This was my last session, _I thought as I breathed in the fresh air.

It was raining, and I let the drops clean the tears off my face. But I wanted more. For the first time since I'd moved to Forks I really wanted it to pour down. And then I started to run. The raindrops hit my face harder, and it felt good. It felt good to run and be wet and just don't care. I ran and I ran as I thought back to a different time when I used to run all the time. Before all of this, before Forks, I used to run to clear my head. When my mom was too drunk to function, I ran. It made it easier to muster up the strength it took to cover her with a blanket where she lay passed out on the couch. It made it easier to go to bed afterward without crying.

It was on one of those runs that I decided enough was enough and that it was time to get her help. When my aunt arrived a couple of days later to take care of my mom and they ended up in a screaming match, I ran and I broke my time-record. It was a year after that, when my mom was sober and had just brought home her new boyfriend, another one to get her right back where she started, that I realized I wanted to stay with Charlie for the summer. I never told him the true reason why. I told him that I'd missed him, but it wasn't true. I just couldn't handle being the parent anymore. I was prepared to return to a brokenhearted Renée two months later; I just didn't want to be there to watch how it would happen this time.

My aunt kept checking in on her and told me she was doing well. Much better, in fact. Then I realized that my leaving actually helped her, and I decided not to go back. I told Dad I wanted to stay, and the joy in his eyes then made me truly see that it was the right choice. My mother was not my only family, and she didn't seem to need me now. It even seemed like it helped her not to have me around, which left a bitter taste in my mouth. All of that work, all of those times I had tried to help her seemed like a waste now.

Sometimes I wondered what it was about my absence that seemed to be helping. Was it the guilt she felt about having lost her only daughter that sobered her up for good? Or was it the need to prove that she could be good for me to make me come back? Or maybe it was simpler than that. Maybe my presence just brought out the worst in her for reasons unknown to me. Sometimes she would call me or send me emails begging me to come home. I always told her the same thing: that I loved her, but that home was Forks now.

So I had stopped running. At that moment, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I was out of shape so my chest ached and I could barely get enough air to my lungs, but it felt too good to stop. It was almost painful, but it was a good kind of pain. And when I felt that exhausting, good pain in my muscles it was easier to think about painful things and let the pain they brought on become a good pain as well. I thought about my mother and how angry I felt for not being good enough, how bitter I felt that she did better without me and the guilt that washed over me when I realized how selfish that was. I felt it all – the pain, the bitterness and the guilt. As I ran, it was a good kind of pain.

My mother and Edward had something in common. They were both stored away in a small, locked up box in my brain. They were always there, but they were locked up tight. I left her and she was better for it. He left me, and I assumed he was better for it too. There they were, in the small box, the one I left and the one who left me, both of them better off.

30 minutes later my muscles ached and I realized I'd left my truck behind. I stopped and leaned my hands on my knees, breathing heavily. When my breath started to come easier, I turned around and walked all the way back. By the time I reached my truck I was soaking wet from head to toe and freezing. I got into the car and started the engine, eager to get the heaters going. My cell phone lay on the seat next to me and I picked it up. 7 unanswered calls – all from Charlie. I looked down at the screen with a sad face. "You must've been worried sick," I mumbled before pushing the green button and calling him up. I made up an excuse about bumping into Jessica and told him I was on my way home.

For the first time in four months, when I walked through our front door and smiled at him, it almost reached my eyes. Almost.

"How was therapy today?" he asked, looking down at his food and shoving it around on his plate with his fork. I got home too late to make anything so we were eating last night's lasagna-leftovers. I recognized his behavior – he was always shy about asking questions like that. My mind had been preoccupied when he'd asked – I'd been focusing very hard on thinking about the calculus-test that would greet me tomorrow – so it took a few seconds too long for me to answer. "Uhm, it was… fine. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that." I hesitated, forcing myself to look at his face to measure his mood. "It's not helping, it's just making things worse," I started in a quiet voice. "I want to try and do it on my own, in my own way. I think it would be good for me to start running again and maybe spend more time with my friends." The last part was a lie, I always felt worse in other's company when I had to stay alert and pay attention to conversation. It was much easier to be in my numb, non-responsive state. "Running?" he asked, confused. I could hear in his tone that he wanted to, and was probably about to, disagree. "When I lived in Phoenix, I used run all the time. Whenever I had… a lot on my mind. It always helped a lot."

What I meant was that whenever my mom was having one of her "bad weeks" the running helped me cope, but I never told Charlie exactly how bad it used to get. He only knew she was a bit more thirsty than what was normal, not that it was a problem. Not even my aunt knew how bad it was until I contacted her. My mom and I both kept our mouths shuts – her because she was ashamed, and me because I was afraid that they would make me move to Forks where I couldn't take care of her. _And now, here I am_. I felt the bile rise in my stomach and tried to squish it down.

"Bella, I don't know…" But I could see that he was considering it. He pursed his lips and looked at me. I tried to make my face look alive and sane, but it felt fake. Like putting on a mask. "Parenting," he said with an exhausted exhale. "I want to do the right thing here, but I can't say that therapy has made any difference, not that I can see anyways." He looked away, out the window. He was uncomfortable talking about my "state". Suddenly his eyes became sad, only for a second, before he exhaled again and composed his features. "I guess… we could try." But as he saw the relief wash over me, he quickly added, "But I'm telling you right now, if it doesn't help and I want you to start going to Dr. Davis again, you are not allowed to object. Are we clear?" I nodded eagerly and smiled. "Okay. I'll call her tomorrow." I tried to make my smile more sincere as I thanked him, then I got up to start the dishes.

I really would try.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 Soundtrack:**

**Placebo – Every You, Every Me**

**Bon Iver – Skinny Love**

**Coldplay – Fix You**

**Barbarossa – Stones **

CHAPTER 2: MY SUN

4 weeks later.

Gym was starting to become my favorite part of school. As a stroke of luck, coach Clapp had decided we should work with endurance, something I much preferred over any kind of sport involving rackets or balls, most likely so he could sit on the bleachers while we ran laps. I was in good shape, and I was enjoying the rush of air on my face as my feet hit the ground with all the force I had in me. I was the fastest of all the girls running, which made me smile, and the confidence gave me the extra boost I needed to speed up. The muscles in my thighs ached and it was starting to become hard to breathe, but I didn't slow down.

When I'd finally run past the finish line I bent over with my hands on my knees while I waited for my heartbeat and breathing to slow down.

"Wow, you're fast!" I looked up to see Angela smiling at me. I tried to smile back, but I saw her smile falter and realized that mine probably wasn't very convincing. I said "thank you" and tried to make it sound sincere before I started walking towards the bleachers. It was the boy's turn to run and Mike gave me a thumbs up and a big grin on his way to the field.

I sat down and opened the bottle of water that I'd left in my bag. Angela came to sit next to me. "Have you been working out a lot? You were like a bolt of lightning back there." Her voice was careful, like most people were when they talked to me. I tried my best to smile again. "Some… for the last four weeks. I used to run a lot back in Phoenix though." The truth was I'd been running nearly every day since that last gruesome session with Dr. Davis. The hole in my chest had been aching more than it had in a long time and the nightmares were worse, but slowly I'd been able to find some sort of balance between being numb and emotionless whenever I didn't run, and then being full of adrenaline and frustration when I did. It was slowly starting to help.

Angela was quiet while we watched the boys run. Tyler Crowley reached the finish line first, and I was lost in thought as I wondered if he was faster than me when Angela broke the silence. "Ben and I were thinking about getting some people together to watch a movie tonight. You wanna come?" I looked over at her and blinked a few times, probably looking retarded. "Uhm… yeah, sure," _that would probably make Charlie happy,_ I thought to myself. I'd noticed the way he'd been watching me lately, looking for improvements that weren't really there and probably debating whether or not to send me back to Dr. Davis. That was something I very much wanted to avoid. "In the theaters?" I asked, trying to seem enthusiastic. "Yeah, there's this movie called Atonement that's supposed to be really good." I bit down on my lip, as I weighed my options. I needed to do _something_ to keep Charlie off my back. I also probably needed to spend time with people, even though the idea wasn't very appealing. "What's the movie about?" I asked, trying to sound interested and not pessimistic. "It's some old-fashioned movie about a war, I think," she answered, watching Ben with a shy smile as he used his bottle to splash cool water on his face.

A war-movie. That could either be very good or very bad. It could be violent and gory, but it could also be one of those romances, like Cold Mountain. I thought about Charlie and Dr. Davis… and her horrible questions… "I'm in. When do we meet?"

3 hours later I was parking my truck in Port Angeles. I walked the few blocks to the movie theatre, looking at the ground and counting steps. It was one of my new habits meant to occupy my mind. Now it came almost involuntarily.

A couple of blocks away, outside the theatre, I saw Mike, Jessica, Lauren, Ben, Angela and Tyler. My stomach twisted a bit as they looked up from their conversation and stared at me. It was my first social outing in almost five months. Mike looked enthusiastic, Jessica looked a bit annoyed, Lauren quickly looked away after giving me the stink eye, while Ben and Angela smiled. Tyler just looked a little bored. I tried to give them my best smile when I reached them, focusing on Angela. "Hey, Bella!" Mike said and quickly came to stand by my side. He was used to being alone with me at work, so he wasn't as shy around me as I now realized other people were. "We should get going, the movie is about to start," Jessica said as her gaze shifted between Mike and me. I could see her annoyance turning into anger by the seconds, so I quickly moved to stand by Angela, trying not to be too obvious about it.

Mike had en enthusiasm that was anything but easy to kill, though. He quickly caught up with me and started chatting about the movie and what kind of snacks to buy. "Do you want to share a popcorn?" he asked. I looked up at his big smile and tried to be polite. "Oh, no thanks, I'm too full from dinner." _Dang it, now I can't buy popcorn_. Mike was starting to annoy me. Jessica looked at us over her shoulder and I avoided her gaze.

I went to sit on a bench by the bathroom doors while the others stood in line to buy candy and snacks. I was planning how to best avoid sitting next to Mike in the theatres when someone called my name. "Bella?" It was a familiar voice and I turned my head to see Jacob Black standing with a couple of friends a few feet away. "Jacob, hi." He smiled bigger and started to walk towards me. He looked even bigger than he had the last time I saw him. I stood up, my social skills a bit rusty, unsure what to do, but he just strode over and grabbed me into a bear hug that squeezed the air out of my lungs. When he retreated his smile was still there, and still huge. I couldn't help myself and smiled back.

It was an unfamiliar thing for me, to smile without effort. Normally it was something I had to consciously decide. "You grew again!" I said with disbelief. His smile grew impossibly bigger. "How are you?" he asked and sat down on the bench I'd been sitting on. I sat down next to him and shrugged. "Not bad," I said, but I could feel my smile wavering. "The truck still runs great. You're a miracle worker," I added to change the subject from my well-being. "Seriously? Wow, that thing has ten lives at the least. I was so relieved when Billy sold it to Charlie," he said and shook his head. "Hey, don't offend my truck. It's just a little… experienced." He laughed and I laughed a bit with him, which felt even stranger than smiling. It wasn't full hearted, but it was without effort.

"What are you guys doing in Port Angeles? They don't have a movie theatre in La push?" I asked. "Yeah, but we were already in town. The guys were helping me track down some parts for my car," he answered with a shrug.

Mike soon interrupted our strangely comfortable conversation. "Bella, come on, we need to get in before it starts," he said, his eyes looking suspiciously at Jacob. I sighed. Jacob looked at Mike and back at me. "I remember him. Does he still think he's your boyfriend?" he teased. "Mike can be… annoying." I said. It was so easy to be honest with Jacob. We both stood up and Jacob turned to face me again before he grabbed me into another hug. "It was great seeing you, Bella," he said when he let me go.

"We should meet up sometime." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. But why should I stop them? Jacob was so easy to talk to, and I actually found that I enjoyed his company. It was easy to be with him. I realized as I thought back to the other times I'd seen him that I actually really liked Jacob. "Sure, you should stop by La Push sometime!" I nodded and smiled, again without effort. "I will."

The next day I was working at Newton's. I was standing behind the counter and biting my nails while I looked at Mike who was helping some hikers find the right shoes. I was thinking about last night and how he'd managed to squeeze past Angela to sit next to me. Jessica had given me the stink eye again, and it bugged me how oblivious he was.

The hikers were distracted by a discussion they were having, and Mike strolled over looking cheerful. I was too annoyed to fake a smile back. "I think I lost them," he said, jutting his thumb towards the hikers he'd been helping. "Oh?" I answered, trying to sound interested. "They're discussing something about a bear…" I looked over at them, and they both seemed a bit agitated as they clearly disagreed. "A bear?" I asked. "Yeah, they saw a bear or something when they were camping. One of them says it was a wolf, the other one disagrees."

"This place is dead, you can might as well just go home," he said and looked around the almost-empty store. _Oh no._ That was exactly the thing I wanted to avoid: free time. Mike looked at me like he was doing me a favor. I supposed I could go for a run, but that would take an hour tops and it was still early in the day. I would have a huge gap of time between running and dinnertime. "Okay… if you don't need me I guess I could leave." Maybe I could make something really complicated and time-consuming for dinner. I didn't have any homework left to do; I'd done it all and then some already. Mike, always the hopeful, interpreted my reluctance as me wanting to spend more time with him. I could see his eyes light up with hope. "If you want to stay-" but I interrupted him. "No, no it's okay. I've got homework to do anyways," I lied.

On my way to the truck I had an idea. The truck had reminded me of the person who used to work on it. _Jacob_, I thought with relief. I didn't have his number, so I decided to drive to La Push and see if he was home. _Atonement_ had turned out to be _exactly_ the type of war movie that was more romance and less gore, which had left me with a sick feeling in my stomach all night, which again had added a new suffocating darkness to the forest I visited in my nightmare (it was always the same one, every night). The feeling of being utterly lost in that awful forest was still lingering. Jacob, with his huge smile and aura of happiness, the kind of happiness that somehow didn't make me feel worse, was exactly what I wanted and needed. I found myself actually looking forward to seeing him. How strange – and how incredibly strange, and even sad that I should find such a thing strange in the first place; to simply enjoy someone's company. I shook the thought out of my head. _Don't go there_.

When I came up the driveway, Jacob was already standing outside his house, smiling and simply radiating warmth. As I had the previous night, I smiled back, and it was still effortless. I parked the car and jumped out, eager to be with him. It was such an unfamiliar feeling. "I heard the truck roaring before I even saw you," he said with a huge smile. I laughed a little and gave my truck a loving glance over my shoulder. Jacob shook his head in mock disapproval. "I hope I'm not rude just coming down here uninvited." He was still smiling, and the closer I got the more of his radiating warmth seemed to reach me. "Don't be ridiculous, you're always welcome. And anyways, you _were_ invited. I told you to drop by last night." I smiled again as his face showed nothing but joy at seeing me. It wasn't the kind of expression I was used to. Most people looked at me with wary eyes, like I was a ticking bomb.

We went inside his house, were Billy was sitting in his wheelchair, watching TV. His warm, black eyes met mine and surprise crossed his face. "Well, what do you know! It's good to see you Bella." He seemed honestly pleased at seeing me, but the surprise didn't quite leave his face. And there was something else in his eyes too, behind the joy and surprise. Was it concern? Or was I being paranoid? "I haven't seen you out here on the reservation since you were a kid." I nodded and tried to keep the smile on my face, but it was getting a bit harder. "Oh yeah, that's right. I can barely remember it though," I said and I felt my cheeks warm up a little in a blush, as he was still looking at me and the concern was growing in his eyes. That too was an odd feeling. I hadn't blushed in so long. "You and Jacob didn't hang out much. He always teased you about your size until your face grew red in anger." Jacob laughed, throaty and deep. "Oh, that's right! I forgot about that. Still tiny," he said and put a hand on my head as if to emphasize it. "Hey, it's not my fault that Billy obviously puts growth hormones in your cereal," I said teasingly. Billy laughed and Jacob grimaced at me.

"What do you want to do?" Jacob asked after we'd reminisced with Billy for a while. "Whatever you did before I showed up". His face became a bit unsure as he said he'd been in the garage working on his car. It was a Volkswagen Rabbit, which meant nothing to me, but he seemed excited about it and all of his emotions seemed to be contagious for me.

I spent the day in Jacobs garage, forgetting everything about Charlie and dinner. I was still stunned at how easy it was to talk to him. He told me about his car, what he'd already done on it and what parts he was missing, and his friends at school. I asked him question after question, and I didn't need to strain myself to keep the conversation going. Compared to the last few months, it was bliss.

Someone knocking on the wall broke off our laughter. I looked up to see Charlie peeking through the open garage door. His face was shocked. "Oh, dad! I totally forgot to call you," I said as I just then saw that it was starting to get dark outside. He was still so surprised that it took him a second too long to answer. "It's okay, Billy called me a few hours ago and told me to come over after work for dinner." I could see that he tried to compose his face, but his eyes were still a bit too wide to be convincing. "Okay, great," I said, feeling a little awkward as he was still staring quite obviously. It made me feel guilty to see how shocked he was to find me laughing. "I was actually sent out here to tell you guys that dinner is ready." Jacob got up from the ground, he'd been under the car and fixing… something, I had no idea what, when Charlie interrupted us, and smiled widely. "Great, I'm _starving_," he said and laid his hand on his stomach to emphasize.

At dinner, Charlie and Billy mostly talked about fishing and work, while Jacob and I were back to reminiscing. "Wait a second," I said, suddenly remembering, "didn't we once get in a fight?" Jacob thought for a moment before his hand smacked down at the table and he started shaking with laughter. "Oh, that's right! You actually clawed on my arms, I remember even having scratches on them. What a temper! Is she still like that, Charlie?" we both looked at my dad then, who was still unable to hide his surprise every time I laughed. It made my stomach twist a bit, and I looked down on my plate. "No, she's… she's grown out of it, I guess," he said awkwardly. "Man, I remember that so well now… I must've blocked it from my memory or something, it was probably traumatizing," Jacob said, still smiling and not seeming to notice the way Charlie looked at us. "Traumatizing for _you_? You were twice my size!" I said in mock horror. "Oh, come on, I wasn't _that_ big. And I didn't have razor-sharp nails like you did."

The conversation went on like that, and Billy and Charlie joined in with their own memories. By the end of the evening, Charlie had gotten over most of his surprise and seemed to be radiating almost as much joy as Jacob did when we left. I could see his headlights in my rear-view mirror as we drove home, and I wondered what he was thinking. A part of me was so relieved that he'd been there to see me be sane and smiling, but a part of me also feared what was coming. The hole wasn't healed. I could feel it as I was driving, that it was still there and still painful. Jacob had woken me up from my numb state, but that also meant that I was awake to feel other things, and it made me worried about what was next. It also made me worry about Charlie getting his hopes up.

For a brief second I wondered how it would have been if Charlie and I didn't live in the same house and I had no one to put up pretenses for. Would it be worse? Would it be even harder to pull myself out of… But I stopped there. Thinking about the pain didn't help me to ignore it.

The next day I woke up around 5 a.m., awaken by my own screams. As it often was, I kept screaming even after I woke up, covering my ears and recoiling from the awful sound. Then, as it also often was, I realized that the sound would stop if I did. I stayed in my bed, feeling tired and worn, like an old lady. Silent tears streamed down my face – from my eye, over my nose and down on the mattress. I listened for Charlie's snores, and 5 minutes later I could just barely hear them through the walls. I lay there, even though I had no hope or desire to fall asleep again. I was just staring out the window. It was dark grey outside, but I could see that the sun was just about to come up behind the thick clouds.

When the tears had stopped, I got up and immediately put on a pair of black running-tights and a grey hoodie. On my way out I passed by the mirror and stopped to look at myself. It had been a long time since I'd really looked at myself in the mirror, and I wondered if it was intentional. I couldn't remember actually haven made the decision to not look at myself in the mirror anymore, but the reflection seemed so unfamiliar. I had dark circles under my eyes and I was paler than usual, which made my hair seem darker. I focused very hard on _not_ thinking about what I looked like. Then I shook my head. I wasn't beautiful enough to resemble that. I stopped looking at my face and let my eyes wander down my body. My legs looked thinner than they used to. I tried to convince myself that that was probably because of the running, but I wasn't completely comforted. Too thin, too pale and too tired. It wasn't the best combination.

I ran nearly 10 miles that morning. I didn't bother to be creative with the route; I just ran down the road and then turned around when I got too hungry. It wasn't like I really cared about or noticed my surroundings anyway. When I finally reached the house I stopped outside to do some stretches before I went in. I made sure to eat a big breakfast, feeling a little guilty about burning so many calories right after noticing how thin I'd become.

The eggs and bacon were almost done when Charlie walked in the kitchen door. He yawned and stretched his arms, revealing a growing belly as his t-shirt was slightly lifted up. He wasn't really looking at me as he said good morning; his eyes were for the food only. I tried to make my face smile, but the nightmare was still too fresh in my mind. "Hope you're hungry," I said as I made up a plate for him. I put a carton of juice, two glasses and two plates full of bacon, eggs and toast on the table and we sat down. I ate everything up and then went back to the stove to help us both to seconds.

"Hungry today?" Charlie asked as he watched me scarf down another plateful of food. I nodded, even though I was actually very full, and kept eating. We ate in silence for a while, I was looking out the window and Charlie was reading the newspaper. Suddenly he exhaled in what seemed like annoyance. "What?" I asked, not really that curious. "Warnings about big bears in the newspaper. We've gotten some people coming by at the station too, saying they've seen a gigantic bear out in the woods." I nodded in recognition. "Yeah, some hikers at Newton's said they saw a bear too. But one of them claimed it was a big wolf." Charlie mouthed the word "wolf" and shook his head.

We went back to eating in comfortable silence, before Charlie broke it again. "So, what are your plans today?" he asked, his tone full of implications. "I'm not sure. I don't have any plans," I said, but I immediately thought about Jacob. I wondered if he would want to spend time with me two days in a row. Even under the influence of his aura of happiness I couldn't possibly be much fun to be with. "Maybe some homework", I said after a while. Charlie was quiet in thought for a moment. "Jake seemed pretty happy to see you yesterday," _meaning I looked happy to see Jake_, I added mentally, "maybe you should give him a call and see if he wants to hang out." His tone was so overly casual that it was too easy to see through his motives. I sighed and looked at him, his eyes were on his plate as he ate, trying to seem like he was just making casual conversation. Poor Charlie. Thanks to my stubborn teenage traits, it annoyed me a bit when he was budding in like that. But the love behind the action was too clear, and I was moved by it. "Yeah, maybe I will." Charlie nodded absentmindedly, but I could see the relief and hope in his eyes.

I had to wait a few hours before I could call Jacob's house – Charlie had given me the number – so I went back to my room to study. I didn't have any homework left, so I just read up on the next chapters we were going to start and wrote down the key-points. By ten, I couldn't wait any longer and went downstairs to make the call. "Hello?" It was Billy who answered the phone. "Hey, it's Bella. Is Jacob in?" I felt a huge relief when he answered happily that he was. A day with Jacob was so much better than a day of trying to make the time pass with meaningless cleaning and homework. "Hi Bella, what's up?" Jacob sounded sincerely happy to hear from me, and my relief grew stronger. "Not much, I was just wondering if you had any plans today." I could actually hear his huge smile as he said that he didn't have any plans, and I could even hear it grow when I asked if he wanted to hang out.

We decided to go hiking, the sun was supposed to be out today, and I had boots and a pair of comfortable pants on when I drove down to pick him up. He hopped into the car and smiled at me, and just like before, I smiled back without effort. It was strange thinking about how little time I'd actually spent with him when I felt so comfortable and even almost happy when I saw him. The hole in my chest was always there, but sometimes it was distant and I hardly noticed it, like if I was too numb like I'd been before or when I was with Jacob. But it was always present.

As I drove where he guided me, the smiles came easier by the minute. His warmth spread to me so easily, I was sure it would never cease to surprise me. By the time we reached our destination, the hole was barely noticeable.

The following weeks went by in strange intervals. Some times time would pass so quickly it disoriented me, and then other times it went by so slow I felt like each second was an annoying poke at my temple. The former was of course when I was with Jacob. It wasn't perfect, but it was closer to perfection and happiness than I'd ever hoped to get. I'd accepted that I would never be whole and I'd even almost accepted that I'd never be happy again, but Jacob gave me hope that maybe I didn't have to always be so miserable. I already thought of him as my best friend.

I wasn't healed, but Jacob was a temporary bandage that kept me together when I was with him. Everything about him was warm; his smile, his throaty laughter, his dark eyes, and the way the car almost shook when he thought something was exceptionally funny. He was my own personal sun.

At the beginning, he started holding my hand whenever we went hiking. I'd removed my hand from his the first time he did it and pushed him away playfully, but he had simply grabbed it again and smiled confidently at me. It felt good to hold his hand, it was big and warmer than mine, and so I didn't object. After a while it became habit, and he would always grab my hand whenever we were walking, hiking or even sometimes when we were driving. If we watched a movie he would sit on the floor in front of me and lean his head on my knees.

For me, it was comfortable and even soothing. It made his warmth and happiness wrap around me even tighter. But that was it, though. There were no butterflies in my stomach, no nervousness or any deeper feelings than friendship. I was getting more and more sure that for Jacob, it did mean something.

It had been a rare sunny day in April, and Jacob and I had gone hiking and then eaten dinner with Charlie. We had forgotten about the time and I was driving him home in the dark foggy evening. I stopped the car in front of his house, but he leaned back in his seat and snickered. "What?" I asked, already smiling a bit like I was in on the joke. "Just the memory of you falling down today. That's gonna be on replay in my head for a long time," he said and laughed. I rolled my eyes at him. I'd fallen down when we were hiking and faceplanted in a puddle. "Yeah, yeah," I sighed, a little embarrassed.

He took my hand then, which wasn't unusual, but it made me tense this time. We were sitting in the dark, which somehow felt completely different from when we were holding hands when we were walking or sitting in broad daylight. It felt more intimate. He was also sitting very close to me. I could feel his warm body next to mine. "Does it make you uncomfortable?" he asked in a quiet voice. "No… it's just that…" I hesitated. Could I tell the truth? When I was with Jacob we were in our own little bubble, and in that bubble I felt almost whole again. The nightmare still tortured me at night, and I still needed running and excessive studying to keep myself distracted enough to function, but in those moments when we were together, it wasn't like that. It was such a relieving break for me.

But there was a big elephant in the bubble with us. Jacob obviously had a crush on me, and I knew I could never return it. He deserved so much better than me. The least I could give him was the truth. "I just think it means something different to you than it does to me," I said and sighed. Jacob had a confidence that was hard to break though. "Sure, sure," he said dismissively, and then added "I'll wait," with a grin. I shook my head, and I could feel the fear of losing him closing up my throat, but it still needed to be said. "No. I don't think there's anything to wait for, Jake. I don't think it'll ever change. I'll always be like this, and that's not enough. _I'm_ not enough for you, or for anyone."

He was quiet for a little while, and I peeked up at him. He was looking at my face with a small smile on his lips, warm and compassionate. Then his smile faded a bit. "It really messed you up didn't it?" I turned away from him and wrapped my free arm around my stomach instinctively, and sure enough, the hole started to ache. "Yeah," I answered, not really trusting my voice enough for a longer response. "I'll never forget that day," he said, and the surprise distracted me from the pain – for a second. "What day?" I asked, but of course I knew which he meant. "I was there, when everyone was looking for you. I remember Sam walking out of the woods, carrying you. For a second I thought – " but I interrupted him, "I don't want to talk about that Jake." I tightened the grip around my stomach. He nodded and the car was quiet for a long moment.

I was trying desperately not to break down in front of him. He started stroking his thumb up and down my hand, and it was a little comforting. "Why do you do that?" he asked, and I looked up to see his eyes on the arm I had wrapped around myself. "You do that sometimes… when something's bothering you," he added. I hesitated, but I didn't have the energy to lie. "Sometimes it feels like I'm breaking into pieces. It feels like I have to hold myself together, or else I'll fall apart," I answered honestly and closed my eyes. He was silent for a minute, and my eyes were close so I didn't know what his face was expressing. "I'll never do that to you. You know that right? I'll never hurt you." I looked up at him and he looked into my eyes with a sudden fierceness. I just nodded, unsure of my voice. I knew Jacob would never hurt me. He was my sun, and even though we'd only been close friends for a few weeks, it felt so permanent. Like we would be together forever.

With… _him_… it never really made sense that he wanted to be with me. Even though him leaving me was a shock, it wasn't really surprising to me in hindsight. With Jacob, our relationship, even though it was incomparable in so many ways, made all the sense in the world. I was sure of him. I was selfish for keeping him, but I couldn't help it. I needed him too much.

Which is why it was so agonizing that my love for him couldn't be the strongest. I didn't even try to picture myself loving him the way I'd loved… _Edward_. It hurt to think his name, but Jacob's presence kept the pain at a distance. That was another thing I was sure of; that the love I'd felt then and still felt now was something I'd never feel for anyone else.

I let my head fall to the side and land on Jacob's shoulder and sighed in both pain and relief. At least I had Jacob. It was more than I'd even hoped to wish for.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 Soundtrack:**

**Walk Off the Earth – Somebody That I Used To Know (Gotye Cover)**

**Oasis – Supersonic**

**Pixies – Where Is My Mind?**

CHAPTER 3: PARTY

Mr. Mason was talking in a monotone voice, once in a while writing something on the board. I'd already read the chapter twice the previous day, so I'd shut off my brain for the moment, only now and then thinking _thank God it's Friday_. My mind was completely empty, which was a good thing. In my months of numbness, also known as B.J. (before Jacob), I'd acquired a helpful skill: the ability to shut my mind off, like turning the sound off on a radio. It only worked when I had very few distractions around me, but it was still helpful.

Jacob's friends had been getting sick of his absence – I'd been stealing all of his time – and his homework had been piling up, so I hadn't seen him in four days. The nightmares had gotten a bit worse again, the agony and despair ripping me apart more brutally than before as I struggled my way through the thick green forest, searching for God knows what. The hole in my chest was slowly getting impossibly more painful, like it was making up for lost time. All in all, I was in a bad mood.

But like always, time passes, and when I walked into the lunchroom it was with a sense of relief. It was much easier to focus on the light conversation around my usual table than to listen to the teachers talk about the same things they'd been talking about the last ten years. I sat down next to Mike, which always seemed to be the only chair available, as Jessica was staring daggers at my head. I was trying my best to talk only to Angela and Ben as a way to let Jessica know that I wasn't pursuing Mike in any way, even though I was getting a little sick of having to worry about that every single time I was near them. I was wondering if it wasn't something else about me that bugged her as well. Maybe it was because of those first months when I hadn't been talking to anyone. It was plausible that she'd taken offence.

Mike wasn't easy to ignore for long though. A finger started poking me on my shoulder, interrupting my conversation with Angela. I had to blink a few times and inhale deeply to squish down my annoyance. "What is it?" I asked, trying very hard to sound friendly. I had very little patience left. "Jessica is having a party tonight. Her parents are out of town." I blinked a few times, a bit surprised. _Her parents are out of town_, I repeated in my head. Had I missed something? In my months in the zombie-state, had my friends gone from good obedient kids to rebellious teenagers? "Oh," I answered, not really knowing what to say. I was sure I was the exception to the open invitation on this one. "Jess?" Mike caught Jessica's attention and she looked up eagerly. Ah, she hadn't heard what we were talking about. "It's okay if Bella comes tonight, right?" He asked, and I saw the smile drain from her face. "Yeah, sure," she said and put the smile back on her face, but it looked menacing to me. "Actually…" I started, thinking of ways to get out of it, and then changing my mind. "Is it okay if I bring a friend?" Her voice was just as fake as her smile when she answered. "What friend?" I bit my lip for a second. Would Jacob even want to come? "I have plans with Jacob, actually, and I don't want to ditch him. Maybe he'd want to come."

The idea of getting drunk with Jacob suddenly seemed very appealing. "Jacob, he's the La Push-guy you met at the movie's, isn't he?" Jessica asked, her voice a bit too innocent for my liking. "Yeah, the very one." She seemed to be thinking about something, calculating, and whatever it was made her next smile sickly sweet. "Yeah, he can come," she said and looked once at Mike and then at me before she turned her attention back to Lauren, but Lauren had caught up with our conversation. "So he's your _new_ boyfriend?" Lauren asked, emphasizing the word "new" in a way that made my stomach churn. I impressed myself as I could feel that the pain didn't reach my face. Anger won and I let my eyes squint a little. It made her own subtle glare falter. "No," I said firmly. "He's my best friend." My tone didn't leave her with much to work with, so she shrugged and started talking about outfits for the coming party with Jessica.

When she'd looked away and no one paid attention to me anymore the anger began to subside. The pain lingered a beat longer.

After school, catching up on chores at home, calling Jacob and getting an enthusiastic "yes" to the invitation, making dinner for Charlie, reading a few pages in my Trigonometry-book and driving down to the reservation to pick up Jacob, I was in my bedroom looking for something to wear. Jacob lay on his back on my bed, staring at the roof and running his fingers trough his hair, looking huge even on my queen sized bed. I could've sworn he had grown again. "Did you know you have spider webs on your roof? You should watch out, I've read somewhere that people swallow 10 spiders a year in their sleep." It sounded like he was just mocking me, but he was a tad too bored to make his voice teasing. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I honestly don't care about what I'm wearing, I just don't want to get there too early and end up alone with Jessica and Lauren." I'd told Jacob about how Lauren always tried to provoke me, and he'd laughed and muttered "girls" while slowly shaking his head.

I had on a pair of tight black jeans and a white long-sleeve. I looked in the mirror and pursed my lips at my legs. Jacob noticed. "What?" he asked, struggling to bend his head up while still lying on his back and looking at me in the mirror. He looked kind of stupid so I couldn't help snickering a bit. "Nothing. It's just my legs. I've been trying to gain weight, but they're still shrinking." I said shyly. Jacob sat up then. He was wearing a white sweater too – although it looked much better against his russet colored skin than it did against my paleness – and a thin black jacket with worn blue jeans. His hair was in a low ponytail in his neck. He actually looked very handsome, and much older than he was.

He looked at my legs and then up to my face, and I felt my cheeks warm up. "I think you look… great," he said sincerely and I wondered if his kindness had any restrictions at all. _So warm_, I thought to myself. I sat down on the bed next to him, trying to turn the attention away from my stupid legs and regretting that I'd brought it up in the first place. I touched his nose with my finger and smiled at him, and he beamed back.

"How opposed are you to underage drinking?" I asked, my voice serious in a very unserious way. His smile grew bigger. "Not very opposed," he said. Even sitting down I had to angle my face upwards to look him in the eyes. "Then I suggest we get so monumentally fucked up tonight that we can't tell up from down." His smile didn't falter; rather it changed and turned into more of a half smile and half _where did that come from?_ "Isabella Marie Swan," he said in mock disbelief. I rolled my eyes at him and dragged him with me out of the house. I'd told Charlie that Jacob and I were having a Godfather-marathon at his place and that I would probably sleep on his couch.

When we got to Jessica's I realized three things. The first thing I saw was that there were a lot more people there than I expected there to be, the next two being that I was underdressed and that I was the only one not wearing make up. It seemed that being with Jacob so much had changed me, though. He never seemed to care what people thought or said; he just was who he was, and it was as simple as that. Whenever I'd uncomfortably move subtly away from him if I felt we were sitting too close or being too intimate, he would roll his eyes and drag me back into a crushing bear hug to emphasize that I wasn't going anywhere. He very rarely got embarrassed, and it was rubbing off on me. I honestly didn't care at all. My chin was lifted high and my shoulders relaxed, and I didn't need to put any effort into it. I looked up at him and he met my gaze. We smiled mischievously at each other and he put his arm around my shoulder.

As we walked slowly through the room I spotted Lauren talking to Tyler Crowley, her finger playing with a strand of hair while she looked at him through her mascara-covered lashes. She was wearing high heels and a miniskirt and she already looked a little drunk, slightly swaying a bit on her feet.

Suddenly, Mike's face was right in front of mine. "Bella, you came!" He sent Jacob's arm around my shoulders a quick glance, but it didn't seem like anything could kill that boy's hopes. "Of course," I said, looking up at Jacob and trying to convey with my eyes that it was because he came too and not because Mike was the one who invited me. Jacob looked down on me and for a second he looked a bit surprised and… dazzled? I quickly regretted it as I realized Jacob would interpret my stare that way as well. It was true, but no need to pour fuel into his crush, also known as "the big pink elephant in our little bubble". Mike looked a bit put out, but he wasn't going to give up. I wondered then, as he asked "Can I get you a drink?", looking only at me and not Jacob, if it was all just about wanting what you obviously couldn't get.

Suddenly, Jessica was there too. "Bella, Jacob!" she exclaimed with fake enthusiasm. She normally didn't bother to fake nice emotions for me, so I immediately grew suspicious. Jacob smiled at her. "Hey…" he started, a little unsure. "I'm sorry, I can't seem to remember your name." She beamed at him and fluttered her eyelashes a bit. "I'm Jessica, I live here. I'm so glad you could come." She was speaking only to Jacob now, just as Mike was speaking only to me. She tugged at his arm and kept her smile up. "Come on, I'll get you a drink!" Jacob followed her as she dragged him along and sent me a confused glance over his shoulder. I shrugged at him, trying to seem nonchalant. On the inside, I was outraged.

I forced myself to look away and my eyes landed on Mike. I tried very hard not to make a face. "So, what can I get you?" he asked, seeming more at ease now that Jacob was gone. "Uhm… I don't know, what do you have?" He towed me to a table near by that was filled with assorted bottles, not the kitchen, were Jessica was still fluttering her eyelashes at my Jacob. _My_ Jacob, I thought to myself. Damn it. This wasn't turning out the way I'd planned at all. Getting drunk with Mike while Jessica laid her pathetic moves on Jacob? Argh. "Something strong," I said firmly.

I watched Mike pour something clear from one of the big bottles into a red plastic cup. He handed it to me and I smelled it carefully. Vodka. _My mother's favorite_, I thought bitterly and threw it back in my mouth. At first it wasn't so bad, and then a shudder went down my spine and my face made an involuntary grimace. Mike chuckled at me. "Do you have something to mix it with?" He nodded and disappeared for a moment to go get it.

I was looking towards the kitchen, watching Jessica and Jacob again. It didn't escape my notice that they were standing right at the mouth of an opening in the crowd where I could see them clearly. Then Lauren came to join them, carrying two plastic cups and handing one of them to Jacob. She leaned against the counter and seemed to be arching her back, as if to push her chest out. I groaned quietly and turned my back to them. Mike's face was right in front of me again, and he was carrying a big bottle of club soda. He mixed me a drink and handed it to me, and this time I drank it more slowly. It wasn't as bad as the first one, but not that much better. It was the first time in a long while that I'd been drinking. I'd only tried it a couple of times in Phoenix and that was just at slumber parties with girlfriends, and it was only a shot or two of something stolen from their parent's liquor cabinets.

"Excuse me, I have to use the restroom," I said in a low voice and walked away from Mike. I was getting sick of his chatting and I didn't like the way he seemed to urge me to drink faster. I walked to the bathroom, closed the door behind me and locked it. Then I hopped up next to the sink and finished my drink. My brows were furrowed in concentration as I tried to sort things out in my head. _I'm only angry because Jessica and Lauren are so obviously trying to provoke me. It's not jealousy. I'm just upset because I wanted to spend time with Jake tonight. He makes me feel better_. Then I sighed as I realized it was nothing but good old jealousy and there was no use denying it. I wasn't in love with Jacob, but I still wanted him to be mine in some way. I wanted a claim on him. I wanted there to be a reason for him to excuse himself from the conversation to be with me instead. As just a friend, he had no such obligations. I sighed again and hopped back down.

I quickly scanned the room to locate Mike (knowing where he was made it easier to avoid him), who was standing in the other end of the room with Tyler and Eric. I tried to be subtle as I walked through the room to get another drink, and did it successfully without Mike, Jessica or Lauren noticing. I took my drink and went to stand in a hidden corner to look out the window. It was too black too see much, mostly I just saw my own frustrated reflection, but it was better than Mike's stupid face or Jessica's blatant flirting.

Seconds later Jacob's arms wound around my waist from behind as he lifted me off the ground, making me squeal, and put me back down. I turned around and made my face serious. "I'm not gonna be your sloppy seconds, assface." He looked a bit surprised at first, but then he saw the smile trying to escape my lips and the light humor in my eyes, and he let out a laugh. I playfully punched him on the shoulder, but his body didn't even budge. "That was the most pathetic thing I've ever witnessed in my life," he said, and at first I thought he meant my weak punch. "I'm sorry I didn't break free sooner, but it was just a bit too entertaining," he added. Relief washed over me, which was silly, but still wonderful. I smiled big when I answered. "Yeah, I saw. Looked like Laurens boobs were in danger of poking your eyes out." His eyes went big and his face turned serious. "I was actually a little scared there for a while," he said and we laughed together – his dark throaty laugh with my bright one. My laughter died out in a sigh. "I told you they were always trying to provoke me," I said. That made Jacob's smile grow impossibly bigger, and I wondered what it was I'd said that seemed to please him. He threw one of his huge arms around my shoulders and used the other one to ruffle my hair. "Don't be such a crybaby," he teased.

We finished our drinks and went to get new ones before we sat down on an available couch. All of my previous annoyance was gone, and there were only smiles left. I found that when I was under the influence of alcohol, smiling and laughing with Jacob was even easier than it had been before. That annoying feeling at the back of my brain that my smile was sincere, but not entirely true was all gone. I was sure it would return in the morning, but I didn't care at that moment. We were sitting there, surrounded by people but still in our own little bubble as we watched people put their moves on each other and bet on whether they'd succeed or not.

Jacob was much better at it than I was. "Okay, there's Lauren, she's going to try Tyler again I'm sure of it." We both waited in silence as Lauren's eyes landed on Tyler with a lazy smile, very obviously drunk, and started moving towards him. "This will _never_ work. I'm betting she gets turned down," I said, looking at Jacob. "No," he shook his head with confidence. "She won't." We sat in silence again, watching her stumble across the room till she finally reached him. She tapped him on the shoulder and leaned against the counter. He turned around… she leaned forward… she whispered something in his ear… he looked thoughtful for a few seconds, and then as she leant back he shrugged and they walked away – from the looks on their faces, to find a more secluded spot.

My mouth fell open and Jacob snickered. "How do you _do_ that?" He looked at me with a triumphant smile and shrugged. "Oh come on, tell me the secret," I said, nudging him with my elbow. He rolled his eyes at me. "It's easy. When it's the boy making a move, you just have to look at the girl's clothes to figure out what she's after. When it's the girl who's making a move, you always bet yes when it starts to get late and people are fairly drunk". _Are boys really that easy? _I thought to myself. He looked at my face and snickered again, and then he stood up with our glasses to refill them. He came back with beers. "Beers?" I asked, not really sure if I would like it. On the other hand, the vodka didn't taste much better than vomit. "I'm not gonna get you wasted out of your mind, Bella." I took the beer from him and took a sip. It wasn't so bad – much better than the vodka, and probably healthier.

"Truth or dare," he suddenly said, eyeing me as a competition in a new game. I thought about it for a moment. "Dare," I said. Only chickens started with truth.

After many embarrassing episodes as we spanked random people on their asses, whispered way too sexual or way too weird things in drunk people's ears, chugging down beers and answering childish questions like "Who was your first kiss?" and "Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?" I was monumentally fucked up, just as I planned to, and really tired. The crowd in the house seemed thinner and lazier. A couple of people were asleep in weird places, like hanging halfway out of a chair, and others were just trying to eat each other's faces. I had no better way to describe it.

"Truth or dare," I said and yawned, my eyes barely staying open and my brain sluggish. "Dare," he said, more energetic than I was. "I dare you to carry me to a bed," I said sarcastically. I could feel his weight disappearing from the spot on the couch next to me, and I opened my eyes slightly to see him leaning down towards me with open arms. My eyelids shot open then, but I didn't have time to protest before he'd slung me over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes. His shoulder was pressing into my stomach in an uncomfortable way and I shrieked, making most eyes in the room turn toward us, but I couldn't help breaking into a fit of laughter.

He carried me through the front doors and the fresh air alerted me further. I was completely awake again. He let me drop from his shoulders, but one of his arms caught me behind my knees while the other moved to the top of my back and suddenly he was carrying me in his arms. His body seemed to be radiating warmth, in the literal sense. "Jake, put me down!" I yelled, but I was still laughing so hard that my head would fall back and dangle in the air as I clutched my stomach. Jake laughed with me of course, always in on the joke. "Seriously, we parked way down the road and I'm too heavy, put me down!" He snorted at me. "HA! You weigh less than a bag of feathers." And it really did seem like it was completely effortlessly for him.

He started skipping down the street in a way that made my body jump up and down in his arms, and I shrieked and laughed as my head bobbed in the air and the arm that wasn't around his neck was swinging in all directions. I was laughing too much to gain much control of my limbs.

When we reached the truck Jacob sat down in the driver's seat. "No, Jake, you can't drive when you're drunk," I protested. "I'm not really drunk, just a little tipsy. I'm twice your size, remember?" But I was already halfway asleep. I felt the engine start and I knew somewhere in my brain that I was supposed to object, but I couldn't find my voice. I was unsure of how much time had passed, if it was seconds or minutes when Jacob sighed beside me. "I can't imagine how anyone could ever leave you," he whispered. I wasn't sure if he'd really said it or if I was already asleep.

The next morning I woke up to a throbbing headache and a dry mouth. That really bugged me, because I'd been sleeping without any nightmares and I didn't want to wake up yet. The headache started throbbing more angrily, demanding my attention. Then I stiffened as I realized something was wrong. The smell, the feel of the mattress… I shot up and immediately got dizzy as my headache got impossible worse. I clutched my head with both hands, trying to keep it still. I was in Jacob's room. "Oh, that's right", I groaned… the headache made more sense now. I sluggishly dragged my feet forward and walked out to the living room.

I vaguely remembered waking up in Jacob's arms as he carried me inside, trying to tell him to take the bed, but he wouldn't have any of that. Looking at his huge body sprawled over the sofa that looked small in comparison, I felt guilty for not being more stubborn about it. I dug into my pocket and was relieved to find my cell phone there. 8:30 AM. I could hear Billy' soft snore from another room and tried to move as quietly to the kitchen sink as possible to get some water. I drank three big glasses and my stomach felt bloated with it. Jacob started moving slightly on the couch and smacked his lips lazily. He was slowly getting more and more alert until he finally sat up on the couch and stretched his arm a bit. We were both still dressed in last night's clothes.

"Boo," I said quietly from behind him, not really trying to scare him. I didn't have the energy. He wasn't surprised or scared at all though; he looked like he knew I'd been standing a few feet away all along. "Feeling good?" he asked and flashed a grin over his shoulder. I made an unhappy face, and he snickered a bit, still obviously groggy. "I should get home. I need access to a shower and a toothbrush immediately. Plus, I don't want Billy seeing me like this." Jacob shrugged. "He knows that we went out. I told him there might be alcohol and he just said, "be safe". I think he's pretty cool with it." I shook my head carefully, being kind to my headache, and wondered why Billy treated Jacob like such an adult.

When I came home there was nothing in Charlie's face to suggest that Billy had told on me. I stayed downstairs with him, picking at my breakfast and asking a few questions about work, just trying to get the conversation over with now so I could shower and brush my teeth, and then go to sleep without disturbance. "You're looking pale today," he noted. I nodded and tried to compose my face before I answered. "Yeah, we stayed up pretty late, we saw all the three movies. And I fell asleep on the couch so I didn't sleep well either", I lied. Charlie nodded and looked back down to his newspaper. "Any news about the big bears?" I asked, not really sounding interested. "No, I don't think anyone's seen them in a while." I got up and put my bowl in the sink and the cereal on top of the fridge. "I'll go shower and study a bit," I said, but I was exhausted and went straight to bed after quickly showering and brushing my teeth.

This time, a combination of alcohol and Jacob's warmth didn't keep the dream away. I woke up screaming, and after a moment I felt hands clutching at my shoulders, shaking me. "Bella, wake up. Wake up, honey, it's just a dream. It's okay." It was Charlie's voice. It had been a long time since Charlie had bothered coming in to wake me when I screamed. We were both so used to it by now, I thought he just mostly slept through it. _Ah, it's not nighttime,_ I realized. My screaming had died and I was pulling in sharp and deep breaths, both of my arms wrapped around myself. "Are you okay?" Charlie asked, sounding very unsure of what to do or say. I nodded and closed my eyes. "Yes. Just a nightmare."

I kept my eyes closed until I felt his weight vanish from my bedside and heard the door close. The nightmare wasn't worse and it wasn't better. It was still just as heartbreaking to walk through the foggy woods and never find what I was looking for. This time, I thought I could hear Jacob's voice sometimes and I would turn towards it, but then continue walking in the opposite direction. It sounded like he was saying the same thing over and over again. _I can't imagine how anyone could ever leave you_. I felt my heart break a little more, even as impossibly broken beyond repair as it already was, when I though about the words.

I didn't understand it. I had been so happy last night. I remembered the feeling of uncontrollable laughter that made my stomach-muscles feel sore as my body shook and jumped up and down in Jacob's arms. How could he still be just a temporary bandage? It was so frustrating. Why couldn't he heal the damn hole in chest? And then I remembered that he truly was just temporary. It wouldn't take too long until someone worthy of Jacob's feelings would come along, and I knew I would lose him them. I would still probably see him from time to time, but it could never be like this. I felt the wet tears run down my face before I realized I was crying, and I wondered how I could possibly have any left.

I was already so lost in the pain that I let myself take the risk of falling even further down into blackness in the hopes of feeling better. _Edward_, I thought, clear and loud in my head as I tried to picture his perfect face. I could picture it, but I knew my memory didn't do him any justice. I tried to imagine that there was no hole in my chest, that it had never even been there in the first place, and that he was here with me. For a brief second I felt a glimmer of hope as my pulse sped up a bit. But the hole _was_ there, and he was not, and I was much too aware of that to even fool myself for a tiny moment.

Two hours later, I had managed to make myself just numb enough to get out of bed and start dinner.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 Soundtrack:**

**M83 – Wait**

**Green Day – Working Class Hero**

**Slipknot – Vermilion, Part 2**

**Jet – Look What You've Done**

CHAPTER 4: DESPERATE

The next week passed very much in the same way it had been lately. Long and dull hours at school, working at Newton's, franticly distracting myself with chores, running and homework when I was home and fun times with Jacob whenever we both had time to see each other.

One of those lucky days was Saturday. We had been walking on First Beach, holding hands and talking. It was light conversation with small laughs and smiles. When we got to "our spot", the long bone-white driftwood tree that was stranded deep on the rocks, we sat down. "I actually have something special planned," he said and pulled off a backpack that I'd asked about earlier. He'd answered with a cryptic "you'll see". He pulled out matches, hotdogs, several chocolate bars and a six-pack of beer and grinned at me proudly. I smiled back. "We're having a bonfire?" I asked. He nodded and asked me to wait where I was, and then he ran off along the beach. He was soon on his way back with his arms full of driftwood. He ran back and forth a few more times, collecting some more wood and some dry leaves to get the fire going.

When he was pleased with his bonfire, and I was admittedly a little impressed at his expertise, we put the hot dogs on sticks and grilled them.

I ate two hot dogs. Jacob ate 14.

"No wonder you complain about your toothpicks," he said, looking pointedly down at my legs. "You don't feed them enough." I rolled my eyes at him. "Not all of us are gifted with an enormous stomach and a crazy metabolism," I muttered, and he jokingly nudged his fist at my shoulder, which made me almost fall off the driftwood tree I was sitting on.

"Hey how's Quil and Embry? You haven't talked about them in a while". Quil and Embry were Jacob's best friends. He used to tell hilarious stories about them all the time. He hesitated for a moment, and then his eyes dropped to the ground and his face got serious. His voice was hesitant when he started talking. "Well, there haven't really been that much fun things to tell," he said slowly. The atmosphere around here has… changed." His words sounded strange to me, because they didn't make sense. I didn't know any place in the world that had as good an atmosphere to me as La Push. I realized the only people in La Push I had really hung out with were Jacob and Billy, and they were always both so cheerful.

"It's Sam Uley," he said, and his voice took on a bitter tone that I'd never heard coming out of his mouth before. "Sam with his "La Push gang". I could hear the quotation marks in his tone. "What the hell do you need a gang for?" I asked, trying to keep the tone light and took a sip of my beer. He laughed a little, not full heartedly, but it seemed to ease some of his tension. "They are under the impression that it's their job to keep the peace. They run around acting like they own this place. And it's weird… seeing how the other guys seem to look at Sam like he's their… boss or something. Their leader." He clenched his hands into fists, and I took another sip of my beer so I could look away from him. It was so weird seeing Jacob, _my sun_, being so bitter and provoked.

"You don't like them, do you?" I said, not really asking. It was pretty obvious. "It's just… they try to act all tough all the time. And the way Jared and Paul act like his _followers_, it's creepy." It seemed to be more bubbling under the surface, and I scooted down from the driftwood to sit next to him on the ground. For once, I was the one who took his hand in mine. His skin seemed even warmer now than it used to, and I wondered if it was because my hands were cold. "And what else?" I asked carefully, deciding not to be a chicken and looking straight into his eyes. He looked at me for a second and sighed. "Sometimes it feels like we've known each other our whole lives, Bella," he said, which wasn't anything I'd expected to hear at that moment. I smiled as I remembered having though that myself once.

He smiled back and it was quiet for a little while. When he broke the silence, his voice was different, not as much bitter or angry, but more frightened. It broke my heart a little as soon as he opened his mouth. "It's just that… sometimes, the way Sam _looks_ at me, and Quil and Embry too, and it's like he's waiting. Like it's just a matter of time before we join their little cult and start running after him too." He was staring at the fire, and very obviously tried to compose his face. He was more scared than he let on.

I wished then, truly wished that I could be more than a friend for Jacob. To just be able to be exactly what he needed and wanted. Seeing him sad made me want that almost more than anything – to be able to make him truly happy. I wondered if he too had a hole in his chest, one similar to mine, that _I_ was responsible for. "Jacob…" I whispered, but I changed my mind and decided not to ask. "I'm here for you – no matter what. You made that promise to me once, and you need to know that it's mutual." I looked at his face, framed in beautiful black hair, and one small little butterfly fluttered in my stomach. It wasn't much, but it was more than I thought I would ever experience. My hand went to my stomach then, but not to hold it together, just in wonder.

Maybe I wasn't giving this the chance it deserved. I'd never even tried to see Jacob that way, because I was so sure it wouldn't matter. But the butterfly was there, tiny and barely noticeable, but very definitely there. I kept my eyes on his face, and he looked up then, straight into my eyes. Now there were two butterflies. His eyebrows were furrowed, but they seemed to shoot up as his eyes took in my expression. His eyes widened a bit and his lips slightly parted. I must've been leaning in closer, or he had because I could suddenly feel his warm breath on my face. I was still looking into his eyes, pitch black like his father's, and still holding one hand softly on my stomach. I decided then. Enough was enough. _Stake a claim_, I mentally yelled at myself, remembering how Jessica and Lauren had tried to take him from me. I felt my face grow fiercer with my new conviction and I lent in more deliberately. I heard his bear bottle fall from his hand and hit a stone at the same time that I heard his sharp intake of breath. I dropped my bottle too and put both of my hands on his face. And then I closed the last distance between us, and my eyes fluttered closed when his warm lips met mine.

For a brief second I felt alive again. There were thousands of butterflies in my stomach as he took my bottom lip between his own and pressed me closer. One of his hands was on the small of my back, the other one on my ribs, and his lips moves eagerly with mine. Suddenly he sat up on his knees, pulling my body along with him so that I was barely touching grown anymore. Our bodies were pressed tight together in his strong arms. We were both breathing quicker and I could feel my heart beat alarmingly fast behind my chest.

He was so _warm_. It felt strange. I realized with agony that the quickening of my heartbeat and breathing was due to the hole. The butterflies didn't feel good anymore; they'd found the hole in my chest and it was excruciatingly painful feeling them there. He was so warm and felt too different from what I was used to. That's where the pain stemmed from. It was the wrong kiss. It was the wrong person. The strong contrasts between _his_ kisses and this one only seemed to make it worse, and a sob broke out from my lips before I could stop it.

I was literally crying into his mouth. He pulled back suddenly, his eyes slightly hooded but mostly concerned. He moved his hands from my body and up to hold my face. "Bella," he whispered in a sad sigh. "I… I… I want to s-so bad, Jake," I managed to squeak out between the sobs. "I know, I know." His arm was under my knees and behind my back then, and he lifted me up to his lap and held me there firmly. The guilt intensified the pain and a harder sob broke through my lips. I put both of my hands over my face, ashamed that _he_ was comforting _me_. He held me very tightly though, and by doing that he was holding me together so the hole couldn't rip me apart completely. He did a better job at that than I did, his arms stronger, bigger and warmer.

"It's okay, Bella. It's okay. I'm always here, I can be your friend," he cooed in my ear while my sobs slowly ceased. When I'd stopped shaking and sobbing, he removed his hand from under my knees and used it to pry away my hands from my face. "Bella," he whispered and I could barely see him smile at me through my foggy eyes. "I'm so sorry." It came out only a whisper. "Don't be," he said firmly. "I'm thankful that you tried. Give it time Bella. We have lots of time."

I could hear in his words and tone that he hadn't given up, and a small part of me didn't want him to – the part of me that wanted to believe the butterflies had meant something before they turned on me.

The next days were torture. When I came home that night I went straight to bed, but didn't have a prayer of falling asleep. My nerves were on edge. I gave up at five in the morning and went for a run. I ran fast, exhausting myself completely, and then collapsed on the grass outside the house, lying on my back and panting. "You're so stupid. You're so stupid. You're so stupid." I kept repeating it until my breathing slowed down, and then I got up and went inside to get some breakfast. The rest of the day was spent doing laundry, doing my calculus homework, cleaning the bathroom, planning dinner, buying groceries, making enchiladas… basically everything I could think of to keep my mind off it. Charlie could tell something was up, but he didn't ask.

I woke up at six on Sunday, still tired but unable to walk in that dreadful forest in my nightmares any longer. The day was a repeat of the previous.

I couldn't keep my mind focused at school the next day. _Don't call him._ _Wait for him to call you. Give him space._ My foot was bouncing up and down and Jessica kept sending me annoyed looks during trigonometry. We still sat next to each other, but we rarely shared any words. Lately she hadn't even bothered to say hello. I barely noticed her now, though. My mind was far away, all of my thoughts centered on Jacob and the… _kiss_. I fought the urge to slap myself. He hadn't seemed sad or angry, though. Just compassionate and understanding, like he always was.

My foot started bouncing quicker. He deserved so much better than me. _Which is why you have to wait for him to call you. Let it be his choice._

Yeah, that wasn't going to happen.

When I came home I went straight to the phone. Billy was the one who answered. "Hello?" His voice sounded a bit different. Tired, maybe. "Hi, Billy, it's Bella. Is Jake in?" He hesitated. "Uhm… no, Jake's out with friends." I tried to make myself believe him. _He's out with friends. That's fine. It's good actually, for him to spend some time with them_. "Oh, okay, well tell him I called." My voice was had a hint of hysteria in it. "I will. Bye."

And so my day became an endless search of distractions. There weren't enough dishes or homework in the world to keep my mind thoroughly occupied, though. My new mantra became "He'll call when he's ready" while I scrubbed floors, read new recipes, did my homework, wrote emails to Renee, tried out those new recipes, looked for new routes to run and talked mindlessly with Charlie.

Two days later, he voiced his concerns. "Something wrong?" he asked, looking down at his newspaper. "No. Why?" He looked up at me with cautious eyes. "Your foot has been bouncing for days and you look like you could benefit from more than just a night's sleep." I cursed myself for not being a better actor and looked away, pretending something outside the window had caught my attention. "Its just Jake. He hasn't been answering my phone calls." He was quiet for a few seconds and I sneaked a peak at his face. He looked a bit relieved. "He's probably just catching up on homework or spending some time with his other friends. You guys have been spending so much time together lately, he can't have had much time for anything else." That didn't placate me one bit.

Friday afternoon, I drove down to La Push. I couldn't take it anymore – I had to see him. I was desperate to feel his warmth again, to have the bandage back to cover the hole in my chest that had been torturing me for a week straight now. But more than that, I was desperate to simply be with him. I was sure now that even if Jacob hadn't had the power to ease my pain, I would still spend time with him. I at least needed him to say to my face that he did need some time apart, so that I could accept it and try to let him have that. Not knowing at all was making it worse.

When I drove up their driveway, I saw Billy's head look out from behind the curtain. I waved at him and got out of the car. I was walking towards their house, prepared to wait inside if he wasn't home yet, but Billy wheeled himself out their front door and looked at me with dark eyes. "Jake's not home, Bella," he said with a slightly impatient voice. He was probably sick of my nagging; I'd been calling them twice a day for a week now. "Oh," I said, not really surprised. "I'll just wait for him then." He was blocking the doorway in an unwelcoming way, so I turned to walk back to my truck to wait there. "Jacob doesn't want to see you anymore." I let out a big exhale of pain and stopped walking abruptly as his words hit me like a bullet. I turned around slowly, not bothering to try to hide the pain from my face, and his face softened the tiniest bit. I was still a little bit in denial, though. "He needs some time apart?" It was meant to be a statement of understanding, but it came out a question. Billy shook his head. "Not time." I didn't have to ask to understand what that meant.

I walked quickly back to my truck and sped away as fast as my truck and the winding roads would allow. I needed to get away, and fast. When I was halfway home, my lip started to tremble and I could feel my eyes sting with the coming tears as his words really sunk in. Jacob was gone. Indefinitely. I stopped the car and let my head fall down on the steering wheel. I tried for a few futile minutes to calm myself, breathing slowly in and out. It was no use. I let my body fall to the side and lay there while I hugged my knees to my chest and cried. _Not as bad_, I kept repeating in my head.

I _had_ been through worse. I had been through the kind of pain that lies bubbling under the surface for a week, making you almost catatonic in denial, before it hits you. Pain that is so fierce and ruthless that it feels physical – like someone has literally punched you not only in, but also _through_ your body, leaving a gigantic hole there.

I had been through worse, but this was bad enough.

An hour later I walked through the front door of my house, dragging my feet in exhaustion. Charlie came out of the kitchen and his face fell when he saw me. "What happened?" I looked down and away from his concerned face. "Jake doesn't want to see me anymore. Ever." I walked past him and up the stairs to my bedroom. All of this concern and pain and heartbreak had exhausted me.

I fell down on my bed, not bothering to remove my clothes or shoes, and let unconsciousness wash over me. I wasn't scared of the nightmare that awaited me; I was looking forward to walking around in my dark and foggy forest, looking for something I'd never find. It was better than reality. But the universe was as usual unkind, and the dream had changed to the worse. The forest had become darker and scarier, and I was even more confused and desperate as I walked around in it, looking for something and not knowing what it was. The panic was building up in my chest, almost suffocating me, as I walked and stumbled. The trees seemed so impossibly tall, towering over me and trapping me there. The panic grew as I got the feeling that I'd never find what I was looking for.

While I fought my way through the dense forest I kept hearing a voice, something that was becoming another constant thing each night. I would snap my head around to find the source of it, but there was never anything there but trees and darkness. It was Jacob's voice repeating the words "I can't imagine how anyone could ever leave you." I woke up screaming.

It was dark outside my window, and I looked at my alarm clock. It was ten in the evening. I realized Charlie must've come in to check on me, because a thick blanket covered my body. I got up and went downstairs to force some food down my nauseated stomach. Charlie was watching a game on TV and turned his head to look at me over his shoulder. "Hi Bells. There's some pizza in the fridge you can warm up." The cheerfulness in his voice sounded a little forced, and I was sure that my answering smile was as well. I didn't even bother warming it up in the microwave, I just grabbed the foil-wrapped pizza from the fridge and sat down, eating it with very little enthusiasm.

As I sat there I tried to think of a solution or a way to handle the situation. I could only think of one option: force myself back to the zombie-state that had kept me alive B.J. _Before Jacob_, I thought with an internal groan. _So we're back to that_.

And as usual, time passes... Even for me.

A month later I had a strange feeling of déjà vu as Charlie sighed and said in a frustrated voice, "Something's got to change Bella." We'd been eating breakfast quietly. I'd been thinking about trigonometry, trying to make sense of the chapter we were working on. "I think…" he hesitated and looked up at me. "I think maybe you should start seeing Dr. Davis again." _Oh no. No no no no no._ I could feel my eyes widen. "Please dad, not that again. I swear that won't help. I can deal with this!" I pleaded. He sighed and looked away. I could see that he was in pain, and it made me feel guilty.

The hole in my chest had widened with Jacob's absence, which had required me to be even more numb and shut down than I'd had to be before. "You're barely alive, Bella," he whispered and looked down at the table. "I'll try harder, I'll –" but he interrupted me. "You're already trying, Bella, I can see that. Maybe you should move back to Phoenix. Maybe a change of scenery would be good for you." I sighed angrily. I didn't want to tell him just _why_ I didn't want to move back to Phoenix. "I'm going for a run," I said and got up. On my way out of the kitchen I turned around to see him looking down with sad eyes, his shoulders slumped forward. "I love you dad," I said. "It will get better." I didn't have much faith in that last part, but I did believe I'd get better at handling it some day. Maybe I'd find a way to keep the pain and loss at a distance, where it couldn't reach my eyes every second of every day.

I went up to my room to change into my running-tights and to find a good place to run on an online map of Forks. Suddenly, my heart started beating faster as I saw a green area on the map that marked a forest that held a magical place I'd once visited. Without my permission, I saw in my mind's eye his skin sparkling in the sun, standing with his feet surrounded by blue and yellow flowers in the meadow. I expected the pain, and it was definitely there, but it was overshadowed by excitement. Remembering certainly wasn't something I usually allowed, but I suddenly felt a need to be there again, to feel that magic and know in my heart that it had once been a part of my life.

I quickly pulled on my running-tights and a long-sleeve and jogged down the stairs, and then looked through various drawers until a found a compass. "What are you up to?" Charlie asked from the kitchen. "Just going for a run, see you later!"

Finding the way to the parking lot by the edge of the forest was easy. From there it got a bit tricky, as we hadn't been following any trail. I grabbed the compass, a pen and a map and jumped out of the car. A folded out the map on the hood of my truck and found my location. Then I drew a web of black lines that were possible directions to the meadow and placed the compass on top of it. I adjusted the small needles and when I was fairly certain that I had it right, I set off into the woods.

When I got back to my truck two hours later, coming out of the woods from a slightly different angle than I'd entered it, I was exhausted and sweaty, and my hair was full of leaves and twigs. I hadn't found what I was looking for, but I still felt the same excitement as before. I had a mission now – something to occupy my mind. Before I started the drive home I looked in the mirror and tried to get the leaves and twigs out of my hair. I looked into my own eyes in the reflection and I could see that the excitement had made them more alive.

When I got back home and Charlie saw my face, I could see that he saw it too. It made me relieved, which amplified the liveliness in my face. I knew he was curious, but he didn't comment or ask.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 Soundtrack:**

**Lana Del Rey – Blue Jeans**

**Lana Del Rey – Dark Paradise**

**Metallica – Fade To Black**

CHAPTER 5: THE MEADOW

Finding the meadow had become my new obsession, but after a week of trying, the excitement was mixed with annoyance. I was sitting in the cafeteria, my leg bouncing up and down as I sat and thought about possible explanations. I must've been close several times, because I'd tried many directions that I knew must be fairly correct. _Am I not running far enough? Maybe it's further in than I though it was_. I was lost in thoughts like that when my name being spoken caught my attention.

I looked up and into Angela's kind eyes. "I'm sorry, what?" I said and felt my cheeks warm up the tiniest bit. "I asked you what you were thinking so hard about," she said and smiled. "Oh, I was thinking about this… Uhm, this place I'm trying to find. I found this meadow once when I was hiking with a friend and I can't seem to find it again." It felt a little wrong to talk about it. The meadow was a magical place to me that was supposed to be just _ours_. Talking about it felt like telling I secret that I had promised to keep. "That's too bad," she said. "Are you using a map?" I nodded and pursed my lips. "Yeah, but I'm not very good at it. I'll probably find it soon though, I'm pretty sure I'm getting close." I smiled at her, something that had gotten a little easier over the last week.

My new obsession was a much, much weaker bandage than Jacob had been, but it was just enough that it was safe to let the numbness fade ever so slightly. "Let me know if you want me to come along some time. I'm not a very good hiker, but then you'd have some company," she said, and my heart started pounding in my chest. Picturing Angela with me in the meadow made me feel slightly panicked, and I tried to compose my face and smile when I answered, "That would be great. If I decide to try again I'll give you a call." Her smile faltered a bit when she heard the hint of hysteria in my voice.

When I came home from school that day I went to the kitchen and almost swallowed my granola bar whole on my way up the stairs to change. I felt even more on edge than I had before, and a little bit more excited. I didn't pause to think about the reasons behind it; I just pulled on my freshly cleaned running tights and tied my shoelaces with shaky hands.

On my way to the truck Charlie pulled up in his cruiser. "Hi, Bells. What are you up to?" he asked, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I ran every day and I was wearing tights and running shoes. _What do think I'm up to?_ I thought sarcastically. "Going for a run," I said and tried my best to smile. "You're running an awful lot, even more than you did before," he pointed out. My social skills were rusty and I was unsure what he was getting at. "Yeah, I think it's fun. I've found a huge web of trails in this forest nearby." I swallowed the guilt at lying to him. I didn't want to worry him by admitting that I wasn't following any trails at all.

Charlie nodded with a strange expression and looked down a bit, pursing his lips. "Be careful, though. I don't want you to get lost out there." I tried not to remember why me getting lost in the forest was something he'd be especially worried about. I had probably traumatized him the last time that had happened. "I wont get lost," I said. I could hear that the memory that was the source of my nightmares made my voice a little shaky. I started moving towards my truck again, but before I jumped in I turned around and looked at him. He had his back to me, on his way towards the front door. "Love you, dad," I said, and the truth of it warmed my heart enough that I could smile sincerely at him. He turned around and smiled back. "Love you too, Bells." My smile grew the tiniest bit that I'd managed to cheer him up, and I jumped into my truck and started the engine.

He waved me off as I pulled out of the driveway and a lump rose in my throat. Poor Charlie. I wanted so badly to be doing better for him. To be able to come home every day, smiling and cheerful and telling him about my day with enthusiasm. I imagined us that way, happy and talking, maybe even laughing together at something funny or embarrassing that had happened to one of us at work or school. I would have given anything to just be able to be okay. To be normal and cheerful… Someone that he could look forward to seeing when he came home everyday. I knew all too well how it felt to live with someone depressed and dark, and how it felt to not be able to help.

If it hadn't been for the fact that my mom was still doing good, I probably would've moved back to Phoenix so I could let Charlie have a chance at happiness. If my mom had been a lost cause like me, we could've lived unhappily together so we couldn't spread our depressions to the rest of the world. But my mom _was_ doing better and I was too scared to mess that up to move back with my bad luck and bad mood.

For so long I'd been trying to walk the line between not remembering and not forgetting. Maybe it was time I gave up on that and truly tried to both forget and get over. The thought made my heart pound faster. _Could_ I forget? I decided I would try, for Charlie. I would try to let go of those memories once and for all. _Well, not just yet_, I thought. I needed to find the meadow first, but now the motivation wasn't to get a confirmation that magic still existed somewhere in the world, it was to say goodbye and let go of the idea that magic could ever exist in _my_ world.

I parked in my usual spot by the edge of the forest. I put the map on the hood of my truck and tried to decide which of the black lines I would try for a second time. I decided on the one I'd been surest about when I'd first started on my little quest, adjusted the small needle on the compass and then headed off into the forest.

I kept at a slow pace. I wanted to run further this time, so that I wouldn't exhaust myself too fast, but I would still trip over branches and rocks every now and then. The trees were standing close together and there was a huge layer of twigs, dirt and leaves on the ground that made it even more exhausting to run.

After what felt like one and a half hour of jogging I slowed down to a walking pace. I kept on going, probably just putting off the long walk back. I looked down on the compass for the hundredth time, making sure I was walking in the right direction. It seemed the like longer into the forest I got, the smaller the gaps between the trees were. I felt a little claustrophobic, but it wasn't enough to make me turn around. I needed to find it today, while my decision to let go was still fresh. Looking for the damn place for another week would just drag it out and make the process last longer.

After another 20 minutes or so I looked down at the compass and realized I'd been walking in a slightly wrong direction. "Oh, shoot," I muttered to myself and walked blindly for a few seconds while I cursed the stupid needle. Something in my peripheral vision caught my attention then, and I snapped my head up from the compass and looked around. What had caught my attention was that my surroundings had suddenly become lighter and more open. I was no longer walking between trees and bushes. _The meadow_. I had stumbled right into it.

It was the same. It was completely different.

I looked around, shocked. There was no sun making the flowers shine in blue and yellow. It seemed grey and abandoned. There was no magic here; none of it had lingered in the circled wall of trees or in the grass that softly swayed in the wind. There was nothing here to let go of or say goodbye to. The disappointment was nearly as instantaneous as the recognition. I clutched my stomach and all the air escaped from my lungs. The pain hit me so hard that I dropped to my knees. I couldn't hold myself together this time. My arms were too weak.

I stayed there, panting and trying to push back the pain for a long time.

I needed to get away, and fast. I stood up, a little amazed that I was able to, with my arms still wrapped around myself. My cheeks were wet with tears, and I blinked a few times to clear my vision. Then my eyes landed on a figure standing at the opposite end of the circle. At first I was surprised to see another person there, so far off the trail. Then, as my eyes focused on the motionless and pale figure my heart came to life as I for a brief second had the man confused with someone else.

"Laurent," I whispered, amazed. I was sure he could hear me. I fought back the pain that the brief second of hope had brought on, and the surprise made it easier.

The meadow was once again a magical place. I smiled as relief washed over me, which was completely irrational and exactly the opposite of what I should be feeling. His eyes were red and I knew very well what that meant. But his presence there gave me the proof I had needed, the proof that magic did exist and that somewhere in the world where I lived, as did _he_.

Laurent's face looked astonished. "Bella?" he asked and took a few steps toward me. "Yes," I said, and my smile grew. _Completely irrational_, I thought to myself. "I didn't expect to see you here." He walked a few steps closer, looking pleasantly surprised now. "Isn't it the other way around? I do live here. I thought you'd gone to Alaska." He stopped about ten spaces away, cocking his head to the side. He had the most beautiful face I'd seen in what felt like an eternity, and I studied his features with a strangely greedy sense of release.

"You're right, I did go to Alaska. Still, I didn't expect… When I found the Cullen place empty, I thought they'd moved on."

"Oh." I bit my lip as the name and the meaning of his words set the raw edges of my hole throbbing. I tried to compose myself, and I could see his eyes turn curious as he took in the effect his words had had on me. "They did move on," I finally managed to tell him. I tried to change the subject. "How did you find me here?" I asked. "I was hunting and I caught your scent," he said in a very matter-of-fact-tone. _Oh, just out in the woods looking for some people to kill_, I mentally added. The fear finally caught up with me then and my heart started beating impossibly faster.

"I'm surprised to see that they left you behind. Weren't you sort of a pet of theirs?" I smiled darkly at that. "Not really," I answered. He was close now, and I could see his face clearly. His eyes were red, but they were darkening around the edges and he had dark circles under his eyes. I took an involuntarily step back as I realized he looked thirsty and my survival instincts started to kick in. "Do they visit often?" His voice sounded causal, but I got a strong feeling that his words meant more than he let on. "Now and again," I lied. "Strange", he said, his voice soft like velvet, "The house smelled like it had been vacant for a while…"

My heart felt like it would jump out of my chest. I tried to lie better. "I'll have to mention to Carlile that you stopped by. He'll be sorry they missed your visit." I pretended to deliberate for a moment. "But I probably shouldn't mention it to… Edward –" his name twisted my expression on the way out, ruining my bluff " – he has such a temper… well, I'm sure you remember. He's still touchy about the whole James-thing." I tried to make my voice icy in the last sentence so he'd hear the threat behind my words. A threat I prayed he didn't know was completely empty.

He took a very deliberate step forward, and I froze. My instincts told me to run but my brain knew very well that it would be futile.

"Somehow I doubt that…" he said. "Why?" I asked, truly panicked now. "Maybe it's just wishful thinking," he answered, and I didn't let myself grasp the true meaning of his words. "I actually came here as a favor to Victoria." The name sent shivers down my spine. "She wont be happy about this."

"About what?"

"About me killing you."

"Me?"

"Yes. She wanted to save that part for herself. James was her mate, and your Edward killed him. She only asked me to get a lay of the land for her, so to speak. I didn't imagine you would be so easy to get to."

"Oh…"

"Maybe she'll be okay with it once I tell her it wouldn't be the revenge she imagined, since you must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected."

"Please…"

"I suppose she'll be very angry, all the same."

"Then why not wait for her?"

"Well, you've caught me at a bad time, Bella. I didn't come to _this_ place on Victoria's mission – I was hunting. I'm quite thirsty, and you do smell… simply mouthwatering."

"He'll know it was you. You won't get away with this."

"And why not? The scent will wash away with the next rain. No one will find your body – you'll simply go missing, like so many, many other humans. There's no reason for Edward to think of me, if he cares enough to investigate. This is nothing personal; let me assure you, Bella. Just thirst."

"Please…"


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 Soundtrack:**

**Linkin Park – My December**

**In Flames – Come Clarity**

**Placebo – Sleeping With Ghosts**

CHAPTER 6: BURNING

Laurent sniffed at the breeze that blew threads of my hair in his direction. "Mouthwatering," he repeated. I tensed for the spring, my eyes squinting as I cringed away. All of the walls I'd built up to hide away the memories came down and I let myself see his face. _Edward, Edward, Edward_. I was going to die. It shouldn't matter if I thought of him now.

_Edward, I love you_.

And at that, I suddenly felt my body hit the grass-covered ground. There was no point in resisting. I felt his teeth easily sink through the skin on my neck, and the sharp pain made me gasp. I wasn't trying to break free, I could feel the strength in the stone hard arms I was clutching and I knew all resistance would be futile.

My arms fell to the ground as I became weaker by the seconds. There was no pain now. I was looking up at the grey sky, ignoring the form in my peripheral vision. I was getting dizzier. Dark spots started to appear on the sky as my vision slowly started to disappear. "I love you, Edward," I whispered, my voice far away.

I was barely conscious, but just aware enough to notice that Laurent's head snapped up. "I don't believe it," I thought I hear him whisper, but his voice was far away. My vision cleared the tiniest bit and my head fell to the side as his hands released it. I realized he had stood; I was looking straight at the back of his feet. My vision was still blurry and I tried to focus. Between his feet I could see shadows appearing at the other end of the meadow.

I wondered if I was hallucinating or dreaming, it all seemed so strange. Why would he stop? Did he smell another human, someone who's blood tempted him more than mine? I tried to focus again on the shadows that grew closer. It felt like I had cotton in my ears, but I could hear a vicious growling from far away.

Suddenly, I became conscious of a pain on my neck, a red-hot burning pain. At the same time, my vision became clearer and I focused in on the shadows between Laurent's feet. Five gigantic wolves, bigger than horses, were baring their teeth and walking slowly towards us. I no longer had cotton in my ears either, and I could hear their vicious growling clearly. A black wolf, the one who seemed the closest, snapped his teeth.

And then Laurent's feet were no longer in front of me. He had run away. I focused in on the black wolf again and saw his feet dig slightly into the ground before he took off at an amazing speed, the four other one's following close behind him.

Laurent had run away from the wolves. It didn't make sense. I couldn't focus enough to try to make sense of it; the pain on my throat demanded all of my attention. It felt like someone were holding red-hot iron on it, burning away the skin. My hand flew up to my neck and I could feel that it was wet with blood, but it felt otherwise whole. The pain didn't stop, it only kept getting worse, and I screamed out.

I was one hundred percent awake now. This was a pain I'd felt before. It brought back a distant memory, one of many that I had tried not to think about for so long. _Lying in a ballet studio after being tortured by James. My wrist burning. Edwards voice promising to make the pain go away._ But no one was here to suck the venom out now. I could feel it slowly spreading and getting worse. I was on fire. I screamed out in pain again, panting and twisting on the ground.

My eyes were wide open, but I didn't really see my surroundings until a shape appeared in the meadow again. I felt a weak sense of relief, although overshadowed by the pain, as I realized Laurent must've killed the wolves and come back to finish the job. Death was so much better than this. But as my eyes focused in on the shape, I realized it wasn't Laurent at all. It was one of the wolves, a rusty brown one. _Kill me. Please, kill me._

I was still screaming in pain, which was growing even stronger and more unbearable, but I was vaguely aware that the wolf was coming closer. I closed my eyes and screamed again as the fire spread down to my shoulders. My eyes shot open again and I felt like I was choking. I looked up at the wolf, closer now, trying to beg with my eyes for it to kill me. It was a ridiculous thing to do, like a wolf could ever grasp the meaning of a look, but I was too desperate to think straight.

My eyes were still wide open in shock and pain and I was staring into the big wolf's eyes as I panted and twisted in the grass. Suddenly, the wolf's frame seemed to start shaking and changing, and I thought it was because I was falling into unconsciousness or perhaps going insane with the pain.

His form kept changing and shrinking and suddenly Jacob Black was standing in front of me. I couldn't truly feel the shock, I was in too much pain. I just kept panting and screaming and twisting. "Bella! Bella, _no no no no_, this isn't happening. No, stop, how do I stop it? _No no no no_…" His voice was so far away; I could barely make out the words. The fire kept spreading, it had almost reached my waist now, and I screaming out again. My voice sounded like a dying animal's.

For what felt like a long time I was completely gone. My eyes were closed and I could only feel the pain. There were no sounds, no voices. Pain was the only thing that existed as I felt it spread to my fingertips and down towards my legs. I could barely hear my own screams. The screaming wasn't helping though, and my eyes flew open at the same moment that the screams stopped. I registered that something was on top of me, something big, brown and furry. Now that I'd stopped screaming I could hear a different sound, a low growling. I wondered if it was the wolf trying to kill me. My eyes found the wolf's head. It's teeth were bared, but not at me. My eyes followed the direction at which he was growling and landed on the four other wolves.

Then I was gone again. The flames lapped at my body, not just on my skin, but through my insides as well. I imagined them turning my whole body into ash. I couldn't feel anything else. I had no idea what the wolves were doing or if they were still there. There was nothing but pain.

Somehow, even though it seemed impossible, I didn't die. My body didn't turn to ashes as I expected it to. It just kept burning and burning.

After what seemed like an eternity I gained some control of my body. I was lying as still as possible, but my breath came out in quick rasps and my body would jerk up and down and from side to side. I could feel my heart beating fast and loud. The pain was still intensifying and tearing me apart, but it seemed like my mind _grew_. I had space to both feel the pain and be aware at the same time. I could hear rather than feel that something was still crouching over me. I could hear the wolf breathing very close to my ears. I tried to make sense of it but I couldn't. I tried to focus on the wolf's breathing, counting exhales and inhales as I burned.

After another period of time the wolf's breathing had disappeared and I could hear human voices. A name caught my attention. "Jacob, what good will it do to protect her now when you know we'll have to destroy her the second she's transformed?" The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it. "We will _not_ destroy her. I wont allow it." _That _voice I knew very well. _Jacob_. Someone further away than the human voices, I couldn't know who or what, growled. It sounded like one of the wolves. _What the hell is happening?_

"You'll fight your own brothers to protect one of_ them_?"

"I'll fight to protect _Bella_."

"Jacob, don't do this… The minute you phase, you know what I'll have to do. There's no point."

"SHE'S A _PERSON_!"

"She's not human anymore. Look at her; you can see that she's changing. It's only a matter of time."

"No. I'll fight. I'll do everything I can. If you want to play master of puppets and force me to do obey you the second I phase then so be it, but I wont agree to this."

I kept my eyes closed as I thought about their words. Someone meant that I had to be destroyed, because I was… becoming a _vampire_. Jacob was trying to protect me. Jacob… the wolf. The wolf had turned into Jacob… then the wolf had been crouching over me and baring it's teeth at the other wolves… and then there had been voices… human voices, Jacob's among them, talking about whether or not to destroy me. I repeated Jacob's words in my head: _If you want to play master of puppets and force me to obey you the second I phase then so be it_.

Maybe I had died. Maybe this was some kind of hell where there was nothing but burning and confusion. My mind seemed to grow again, and while one part on my brain was focused on the burning and another part was pondering Jacob's confusing words, another part thought about Charlie. I was dead… I would be reported missing. Charlie would look for me and he or someone else would eventually find my truck. Then they would find my body. It would kill him.

I kept burning. The pounding of my heart was so loud and hard; it felt like my chest was moving up and down with it. If I was in hell, how come I had a heartbeat? Nothing made sense. The pain intensified then, something I though would be impossible, and a choking sound escaped my lips. Would it ever stop?

I tried to focus on my surroundings again, but all I could hear was breathing. The closest sound was a breathing that sounded human and I focused on that one, counting inhales and exhales again.

After counting 20 867 exhales and inhales the pain intensified yet again, and I felt my body jerk. But even though the pain grew, I felt it leave my toes and fingertips. It intensified again, but it left my lower legs and arms. The pain was moving back, retreating, but at the same growing stronger. My breathing was coming out in quick and uneven rasps and my heartbeat sped up. The pain kept retreating; my legs, arms and head were free now.

My torso was the only part of me still on fire, but the pain seemed impossible to bear. As my heart kept beating faster and faster, the pain kept retreating and escalating. After a while, my heart seemed to be the only thing left burning. It was beating slowly now; I could hear it so clearly. _Thud-thud… Thud-thud… Thud-thud… Thud-thud… Thud-thud_… And then, with one last and strained thud, it stopped beating and the burning was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 Soundtrack:**

**Marilyn Manson – Sweet Dreams**

**Imogen Heap - Halleluja**

CHAPTER 7: THE NIGHTMARE

I slowly opened my eyes. It was dark out, but I could still see everything clearly. More clearly than I'd ever seen before. I could see every particle in the air and I could see the shape of every cloud in the sky that had always looked evenly grey to me before. Even in my peripheral vision I could clearly see the leaves on the trees that moved with the wind. But something else in my peripheral vision caught all of my attention. My instincts kicked in and I jumped up at an amazing speed and was suddenly standing in a crouch, facing four big beasts. A different part of my brain registered that Jacob was standing a few feet away to my left, looking at me with a shocked expression.

I felt a low growl building in my chest and escape my lips. I was well aware that four wolves, even gigantic ones, were no danger to me now, but their scent made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. They were dangerous. I quickly made the calculation: four of them, one of me. Again my instincts kicked in and I turned on my heel and ran. I was running at an amazing speed. Every time my foot kicked down on the ground, it made me shoot forward like a rocket. The speed didn't make the forest into a blur of brown and green; I could still see every little detail.

Far behind me I heard an unfamiliar ripping sound and a few seconds later I heard footsteps behind me. They weren't footsteps of a human, they sounded like an animal's. I could feel the vibration every time its feet hit the ground. I turned around in a crouch, ready to attack whoever was following me. A russet colored wolf appeared through the trees and stopped suddenly at the sight of me. It backed away a few steps and shook its head.

A part of my brain remembered how the wolf had turned into Jacob before and I tried to convince myself that there was no danger, but my instincts won the argument. I crouched down further and a vicious growl escaped from my lips as I jumped up. Time seemed to move in slow motion as I reached out my arms on the way down, ready to grab the wolf's neck and break it with my new and strong arms. The wolf was quick too though, and he moved away just in time. I landed perfectly balanced on my feet, my eyes still on the wolf. It was looking at me with big black eyes that seemed too intelligent for an animal.

I could hear the sounds of more footsteps then, the other wolves, and my survival instincts kicked in as they had before. I turned around and ran away in the opposite direction. I forced my legs to move faster and tried to put more power into each step. I was breathing fast, but only because my instincts told me to so I could keep track of scents around me, not because of exhaustion.

I couldn't hear anyone following me, but I kept running. I never needed to slow down or stop to catch my breath. My strength and endurance were both perpetual.

I ran and I ran for many hours. Sometimes I would reach the end of a forest, but I would just change my direction and plunge into a new one. After a long time the sky was starting to brighten and I was running in a forest that seemed to have no end. I had no idea what I was running from, I hadn't heard the wolves' footsteps in hours, or what I was running towards. All I knew was that I wanted to run.

Now that I felt fairly safe and far away from the wolves, I stopped breathing. There was no end to the space in my brain, and the part of my mind that was very aware of the scorching pain in my throat, the thirst, told me to stop breathing. The only thing missing from this nightmare was a vampire-killing spree. It was uncomfortable, but my lungs didn't ache or hurt in the need of oxygen. It was only uncomfortable because it felt unsafe.

Another part of my brain, a very big one, was trying to grasp the fact that I was a vampire. My frozen heart started aching, and the pain spread through my body very much like the burning had, but this was a different kind of pain. It was an emotional pain that felt more freezing than burning, but it was just as bad.

I was a vampire. I had gotten the one thing I'd wanted the most, at a timing that was so bad that it didn't _give me_ anything, it only took away all the things I cared about. I would never see Charlie again. I would never see Jacob again. I would never see Renee again. Charlie would eventually think I was dead, and so would Renee. She would start drinking again, I was sure. Charlie … my father would never recover from it. Jacob… I had no idea what Jacob knew or thought. Everything revolving him was so confusing now.

And on top of all that, the hole was still there; only it wasn't really a hole anymore. As my body had changed, the heartbreak had changed as well. It wasn't a hole that threatened to tear me apart, I was all too aware of my body's strength to imagine anything like that. It was more like my whole body was affected by it now, like the venom had changed my blood into liquid pain that was pulsing through my body. My heart still belonged to Edward, and so it was still lost. Even frozen and not beating, it still ached. The very worst part about _that_ heartbreak was that I was immortal now. I would live with the loss of my true love for eternity, never being granted the peace of death.

The pain hit me so hard it felt like I'd ran into a brick wall. _Edward. Charlie. Jacob. Renee_. I let my body fall – it was unimaginable to fall without purposely doing so – and I stayed down. I lied there on the ground and let the pain and misery eat me whole.

My time there was spent doing three things. The first one was feeling the loss and pain, and letting it torture me while I lied there helpless.

The second thing I did was clutching to memories. I realized as I was thinking about Edward, Charlie and Renee that trying to picture their faces was harder than it should be. It was like trying to see through foggy glass. I could tell that my human memories were already starting to slip away, and so I started going through every single thing I could remember from childhood and up until then, over and over again. I refused to forget my parents, I refused to forget Jacob and I definitely refused to forget Edward.

The third thing I did as I lied there was being in a numb and non-existent state that felt almost like unconsciousness. I would lie with my eyes open and unseeing, with my mind completely blank. I was as still as the rocks around me. I wasn't thinking or feeling, I was just there like a part of nature – a rock that had rolled of a mountain nearby and landed in the forest by accident. A pale shape that didn't quite fit in with its surroundings, but that was equally still and without life.

I spent a very long time in that non-existent state. I didn't register how the nights would fade away and turn into days, or how the days would darken and turn into nights, over and over again. I wasn't truly alive. I didn't really exist – no more than a stone in a dark forest that no one ever stumbles over or even notices does. I wasn't waiting or hiding. If anything, I was waiting for death that I knew would never come, but the thought never really crossed my mind. I stayed there because there was nothing else to do. My life was over; I couldn't see anything in my future.

For a brief moment I imagined what Alice would see if she had a vision about me then. All I could imagine her seeing was the dark forest. It was exactly like the nightmare that had tortured me every night for months, only now I had stopped running. I wasn't searching through the forest anymore, looking for something without knowing what it was. It was the end of the nightmare, an end I had always woken up to soon to see before.

The nightmare only ended in emptiness, as I finally gave up and realized there was no use in searching anymore, because there was nothing to find.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 Soundtrack:**

**Lana Del Rey – Summertime Sadness**

**Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek**

**Damien Rice – 9 Crimes**

**Duffy – Stay With Me Baby**

CHAPTER 8: TRUTHS

When you are completely motionless, and your mind is empty of thoughts and your heart is unfeeling, the concept of time changes. In a way, it felt like I'd been there almost my whole life – like my life up until then had lasted a minute only, and the following 18 years had been spent lying still in that forest. At the same time it felt like I'd only been there for a few hours. Time had somehow managed to slow down and speed up simultaneously.

If anyone had walked past me, they would come to the conclusion that they'd found a corpse. My eyes were open but unmoving and unseeing, and my lips were slightly parted. I was completely still, like stone. I didn't react when a bird would start singing somewhere above me. I didn't really hear the sound of the bugs around me, sneaking their way through leaves and dirt or buzzing in the air. I couldn't feel the wind that blew past the trees and around my body. I was neither cold nor warm. I didn't exist.

When I heard something moving in the forest one night that didn't sound like the wind or a small animal, I was barely aware of it. I heard footsteps of something with four legs and then I heard something sniff. Something deep within me told me to get up and protect myself, but I cared very little about keeping myself alive, and so I stayed motionless. After a few seconds, the sounds disappeared.

A moment later a heard new footsteps – definitely human this time – that were moving towards me. I stayed still. Two big and barefoot feet came into my vision. "Bella," someone above my head whispered. He lay down on his stomach, mirroring my position, and faced me. I was suddenly staring into Jacob's black eyes, wide open in shock, concern and relief.

We stayed that way for a few minutes, just staring at each other. I was still halfway in my numb state, and not entirely sure if it was real, but a voice in my head told me to hold my breath. A human being was lying right next to me, and I was both thirsty and dangerous.

Jacob was the one to break the silence. "Are you okay?" he asked. I thought about it for half a second. "No," I answered, and the sound of my voice brought me further into consciousness. It didn't sound like _me_, which startled me a bit. My voice was different. It was heartbreakingly beautiful, even emotionless as it was at that moment. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm sorry we didn't get there in time," Jacob said in a pained whisper.

I noticed that I could faintly taste his scent on my tongue, and it was very unappetizing. I very slowly breathed in, but his scent didn't flare my thirst. It made me tense, like a big red danger-signal went off in my head. The scent wasn't as strong and intimidating as it had been when he was in wolf-form, but it still burned my nose. The only thing that kept me from attacking was that I was staring into his familiar black eyes, and I knew very well that Jacob was not someone I should be afraid of.

_In his wolf-form_, I repeated mentally. "You transformed," I said, my voice slightly more alive than it had been before. Two dark-red eyes, almost black, stared at me in the reflection of his'. This surprised me as I'd imagined them blood-red, but I realized I must be very thirsty. "Yes, I did," he said softly. "I wasn't allowed to tell you," he continued, furrowing his brows and looking at me apologetically, "but then I saw you… screaming," he shuddered at the memory, "and Sam let me phase so I could be with you. I realize now the only reason he allowed it was because he had already decided to kill you as soon as you had transformed. He let me phase so I could say goodbye." Jacob's voice was laced with anger in the last sentence. I was fully awake then, at a lack of a better word, as I'd never been truly asleep. Sam's name brought back the memory of a second voice in the meadow, and I realized it must've been his.

"How did you find me here?" I asked, wondering for a second where I was exactly. "It wasn't easy. I've been looking for you for two weeks. When I phased into a wolf and ran after you, Sam quickly phased too and forbade me to follow you." He hesitated again, looking into my eyes with concern. "_Phased_…" I repeated in a whisper.

"Do you remember the legends I told you about a while back? You were in La Push with your friends and we took a walk on the beach." It was one of thousands of memories that I'd gone through in my head, and I remembered it clearly now, though it was still foggy and pieces of the memory were missing. I did however remember the most vital part of it, and what it had lead to. Jacob had, without knowing so, told me that Edward was a vampire.

"Yes. About the cold ones." I could hear the pain I felt mirrored in my voice as I said the words. "Yes, but I also told you about the legends of how the Quileutes descended from wolves," he said slowly. I stared expressionlessly into his eyes and let his words sink in. _Descended from wolves_. _Vampires… and werewolves_.

One part of my brain stayed in shock and tried to make sense of his words, while another part was still curious and forming new questions. "You never said how you found me here," I said. I could see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to explain. "I would've found you a lot sooner if Sam hadn't forbidden me to run after you. Sam is sort of… the alpha, I guess, of the pack. It's so complicated, I don't even know were to begin."

He stopped to think for a moment before he continued. "Sam is the alpha of the pack, but sort of just by default. By heritage, I was supposed to be the alpha, but I didn't want it, and so when I joined the pack I let Sam keep his position as leader. I never wanted this, to be a shape-shifter and to have this life, and I certainly didn't want to be the _alpha_ on top of it. But the alpha has the power to command the other wolves, and so when Sam commanded me to let you run away, I couldn't follow you. It feels like you're being physically bound."

It was a lot of information to take, but my mind was big and powerful, and so I had space to absorb everything he said. "When you were gone, we phased back to human form and I argued with him for a long time, but he wouldn't budge. It was hell… for days, the only think I wanted was to just find you and make sure you were okay, but I couldn't. I just had to run with the pack and keep watch, all the while knowing that if you showed up I would be forced to fight you.

"After a week I finally thought of a way out; a loophole. I wasn't born to obey Sam. I embraced my heritage as the alpha, and the second I did it felt like all of Sam's strings were cut, and I was free."

He was silent then and I stared at him with wide eyes. "So… you're… the alpha of a wolf-pack… a pack of werewolves," I said, my voice incredulous. "No, not really… the second I decided to embrace my heritage, Sam's strings were cut and I was free, but my strings to the _pack_ were cut as well. I'm no longer a part of it anymore."

I could see that he was in pain in the way the corners of his mouth turned down and his brows furrowed. I wanted to console him, but there were still so many questions. "You still didn't tell me how you found me here."

"It wasn't easy. It was hard to trace your scent after so many days had passed. I've been running around in wolf-form in these woods for two weeks. Finally, after running around – mostly in circles – for a long time, the wind changed direction and I caught your scent in the air and knew the general direction to search."

We were both silent then, lying still on the ground facing each other. "Everything's such a mess," I whispered. He sighed and nodded.

Jacob raised his hand from where it had been resting on the ground near his face, and slowly reached it out towards my shoulder. My body involuntarily tensed. When his hand touched my skin, he winced, but my reaction was much stronger. His skin was so hot, too hot, and it stirred a new and foreign instinct in me. A low growl started building in the back of my throat. He quickly retrieved his hand and put it back down with slow and deliberate movements.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have done that," he said and looked at me apologetically. My body was still tense and I had to work hard to keep myself on the ground next to him. I stopped breathing as his scent intensified the fight or flight-instinct, and tried to calm myself. I noticed that he too seemed to have some problems with staying calm. His hands were shaking and his body looked rigid.

When I was able to talk in a normal voice, although still slightly strained, I apologized. "No, it was my fault. I should know better than to touch a vampire. Normally the scent of them is unbearable – it makes me want to attack. It's easier with you… I'm too aware of who you are – or used to be, I don't know – for those instincts to really take over." Pain shot through me again, and it twisted my face. It felt almost like crying, but there were no tears. "A _vampire_…" I whispered in disbelief. His face was a mirror of mine as we stared at each other in despair.

"Are you still… you?" he asked. I thought about it for a long time. In so many ways, I was completely different. I thought back to when I'd crouched down and prepared to attack the wolves. Not very Bella-like. I remembered the feel of Jacob's touch and my reaction to it. That too was not very Bella-like. But then I thought about my heart, and how it still ached. _That_ was very in character. The pain I felt when I thought about my parents and how I'd never be able to see them again, that meant that I must still love them. I pictured Charlie's face when I'd last seen him. Yes, I still loved my father. And as I looked into Jacob's eyes, even though his scent burned my nose and made my mouth fill with venom, I could still feel our friendship in my dead heart. I still loved Jacob too.

"I… think so. I'm different, but I'm… _me_," I answered thoughtfully. "It's like my mind has _grown_, and I have space to think about all kinds of things at the same time. Some of the things I'm thinking and feeling are exactly the same as they would have been if I'd still been human, only so much _more_ of them. And then there are new things… like the need to attack you because of your… scent. You absolutely _stink_, Jake." He started laughing then, and the sound of it brought back some of the memories I'd had on replay in my head when I'd fought to remember my human life. It was a hearty and boisterous laughter. When it died down he still had a relieved smile on his lips. "I didn't expect you to still be yourself. You look so different, but… it's like your face – and your eyes especially, even in that freaky black-red color – still reflects the same person." His eyes looked at me with warmth, and his hands were no longer shaking now. He was better at controlling himself than I was, I still felt tense in his presence. "And by the way, you stink too," he added, and I almost smiled.

But among all the human memories I'd fought to keep, there was one that made all of this even more confusing than it already was. "But you said you didn't want to see my anymore." I saw the smile fade from his face and his eyes became apologetic and sad. "It wasn't my decision… I wasn't allowed to be your friend anymore," he said. "Sam," I whispered, understanding now. Jacob nodded. "I wanted to see you so badly, Bella. It was torture to have to know that you thought I didn't _want_ to be your friend – to know that you thought I'd left you."

"It made sense for you to leave me. I never deserved your friendship," I said. "Don't be stupid, Bella. You deserve everything and more. Not returning the feelings I had for you, that was never your fault." I noticed the past tense and repeated his words questioningly. "_Had_?" He looked wary then, as if he was a little scared of my reaction. "Yeah… I realized it earlier. I think it's so… how do I put it… genetically and instinctually _wrong_ for me to be attracted to a vampire, that those feeling kind of disappeared." I nodded in understanding, and as he said the words I realized I felt the same way. The fact that I felt differently about him now, aside from the fact that a part of me wanted to attack him, made me realize I must have felt _something_ before.

"I know what you mean. But I do still love you, Jake," I whispered softly. He smiled sweetly at me. "Love you too, Bells." Pain shot through me, and I wasn't prepared for it. Jacob's eyes widened as he saw my face twist. "What? What's wrong?" I breathed slowly in and out, trying to push it back. "Those are exactly the same words Charlie last spoke to me," I said. Jacob's features relaxed and his face turned compassionate, but there was something else there in his features as well. It looked like relief. "You are definitely still Bella," he said. "Why do you say that?" I asked, a little confused at the direction our conversation had taken. "You're always thinking of others first," he said in a matter of fact-tone. "It's your nature. Is it very inappropriate to be a little happy about that?" I shook my head. "No, I'm relieved about that too… But it's not entirely selfless. I'm just as sorry to lose him as I am sorry that he has lost me."

We were quiet for a few minutes, probably both trying to figure out a way out of this mess. But that was impossible. There was no way out – it was a life-sentence. I wondered what I'd done to deserve this nightmare of a life, just one catastrophe after another.

"By the way… I may still be Bella underneath, but I feel like I'm obliged to mention that the majority of my mind is centered on thoughts about blood and thirst right now." My hand came up to cup my throat. It felt dry and painful. Jacob didn't look scared by that fact, he just sighed and said, "We're quite the freak show, aren't we," in a dark voice. "Yeah, we are…"

"You don't have to drink human blood though, do you? You can do like the Cullens did, right?" The name stirred the pain in my heart, a pain I was always feeling now, as my mind was big enough to think about that as well as everything else at once. "I can try, but… I don't think it's easy. Carlile" – I internally winced at his name – "have never slipped up or tasted human blood, and he didn't have any help. But it takes a lot of restraint and control." Jacob bit his lip and furrowed his brow, thinking. "But you have me. I can help you," he said. "Jake, don't be stupid. You have to go back home, and I have to stay away for so many reasons. Mainly, I have a feeling a pack of wolves would rip my head off if I ever even came close." Just thinking about them stirred those strange and new instincts in me. Jacob was quiet again, looking deep in though.

I could see that the horizon began to brighten as night started to fade away and morning grew closer. It was strange how I already though about _the wolves_ and _Jacob the wolf_ as two very separate things. Looking into his familiar and friendly eyes while at the same time feeling his scent burn my nose for such a long time had started to make it easier to control the instincts that told me to attack. My more intelligent and reasonable thoughts were starting to calm down the more animalistic and unreasonable thoughts. _Mind over matter_. But the _wolves_, the other ones who were probably still running in the forests around Forks and keeping watch in case I would return, were still enemies.

Jacob broke my train of thought then. "I'll go back to explain everything to Billy, and then we can leave. It wouldn't be right not to say goodbye," he said. "What? Jake, no, don't be stupid. You'll go home to Billy and you'll _stay there_." But his face was still stubborn and plotting. "No, I'll come with you," he said, his brows furrowed in concentration like he was still making ridiculous plans. "Jacob, _listen_ to me. I'm a vampire, which means I can_ never_ go home. I probably can't even be around humans for a year, maybe more. I will not let you waste your life running around in the forest with me like a ghost."

Actually saying the words out loud made the freezing pain in my heart intensify as I realized how very true they were. I would be exactly like a ghost, haunting the forests for who knows how long. Even with the new space in my mind I couldn't for the life of me imagine how I'd ever start building a life again. Where would I even start?

"I wont be wasting my life, Bella", Jacob said, interrupting my thoughts. "I don't… technically… age. Not like normal people do anyways." I felt my mouth fall slightly open in shock. "We could run around and play haunted forest for 50 years and I could still go back to La Push and finish high school," he added, using the same words as I just had in my thoughts. "You… don't… age." I tested the words, trying to get them to make sense, but they didn't. Jacob was – even after everything he'd said and all the things I'd seen – so _human_ to me. "It's another wolf-thing… there are a lot of those. I don't start aging until I'm able to control myself enough to stop phasing. If I can do that, I'll start aging again," he said. "Why?" I asked, incredulous. He thought about it for few seconds. "I have a theory about it. You see, we exist to protect people from the cold ones, so basically we exist because they do." I noticed how he said _they_ and not _you. _"And they don't age. As long as we're needed to keep the people safe, and therefore as long as we're phasing, we won't age either. At least, that's my guess."

There was another pause as we both thought about what had been said. The sky was a light grey now. "You exist because vampires do?" I asked. "Yes. Like I said, we protect our people from them."

"So you _fight _vampires?" My voice was slightly hysterical now, imagining it. "Yes," he answered, looking a little confused at my reaction. "But they are – " I couldn't seem to make myself say _we_ – "so strong. And fast! And – " but he interrupted me. "Bella, so are we. We killed the one who attacked you, remember?"

"Laurent…" I whispered, and my voice was colder than ice. Jacob's eyes mirrored the anger I felt.

"But isn't the timing a little off? The vampires are gone… well, with the exception of the one lying next to you…" I would never get used to the idea, it still sent shivers down my spine whenever I was reminded of it. "The Cullens might have left, but there are still vampires in Forks," he answered, and the surprise almost muted me. "What? _Who_?" I thought about Laurent, but I was under the impression he was just passing through. "Well, I don't know their _names_, it's not like I socialize with them. It was the one who attacked you, Laurent or whatever, and Sam told me about a red-headed one that showed up a few months ago, but we haven't seen her since." I knew very well who the red-headed one was, but thinking about her didn't make me scared now. She was already too late. "Victoria," I said. Jake looked at me questioningly. "She and Laurent were… friends, I guess. Edward killed her mate a long time ago, and so she came here to kill me for revenge. Mate for mate. She must have sent Laurent to see if the wolves were still there, or to test you…" I said in a far-away voice, speaking while speculating.

Jacob shot up from the ground then. "She was here for _you_?" he asked in an angry voice. He was sitting on the ground, his hands shaking, and looking down at me furiously. "Yeah," I answered, and slowly sat up myself. I was surprised to find that I didn't feel sore or stiff at all from lying in the same position for three weeks.

Then it hit me… Victoria was looking for me. She would go to my house… she wouldn't find me there, but she _would_ find Charlie. I jumped up from my sitting position, my nostrils flaring and with murder in my eyes. The incredible anger hit my as instantaneously as the realization. "We have to go back. _Now_." Jacob stood up then, looking shocked at my sudden change of mood. "Why? What's wrong?" He asked. "She'll look for me at my house, she'll find Charlie!" I screamed desperately. Jacob's face relaxed as he realized what I meant, which didn't make sense to me. "Charlie is perfectly safe, Bella," he said, and his calmness angered me further. It felt like I was vibrating with fury. "No, she'll find him and –" but he interrupted me. "No, she'll never even get close. The pack is keeping her at a safe distance from Forks. And anyways, if she's not blind she'll know not to look for you in Forks."

The thought of a pack of wolves protecting Charlie didn't calm me down at all, but the confusion at his last words distracted me from it marginally. "What do you mean?" I asked, my voice still furious. "You've been gone for three weeks, Bella…" He whispered in a sad voice. "There are missing person-posters with pictures of your face all over town, even in La Push."

The emotions that hit me then were both relief and an overwhelming sadness – relief that Charlie wasn't in danger at all, Victoria would know not to look for me at home. Maybe she'd think I had somehow found out that she was looking for me and ran away. The sadness was stronger though, because I knew very well who was putting up those posters. I imagined Charlie spending hours and hours printing out and hanging them up on every available surface, hoping that someone would find his daughter. Knowing that no one ever would made the anguish even more unbearable, and it felt like my knees would give out. They didn't, of course. My body was stronger than granite now.

Jacob looked at me with sad and understanding eyes. "I'm so sorry, Bella," he whispered. I felt like the agony would kill me, and knowing that nothing ever could only added to the pain. I wondered for a second if Jacob would ever agree to help me destroy myself if it came to that, but I knew better than to ask.

He sat back down and was quiet for a long time, letting me calm down. "What do I do now?" I asked, trying again to imagine a future, and still only able to see the dark forest. "I don't know… we can go wherever we want, I guess. A vampire and a werewolf, running away together," he said and smiled. "Now that's a first."

"Jake… I _can't_ ask you to do that," But imagining Jacob with me made my future seem a little bit brighter and I already found myself hoping, even as I tried to forbid myself to do so. "You didn't ask, Bella. And you don't have to, because I've already made up my mind. Honestly, the idea of running away is not really that unappealing. There's not really anything left for me here. Just running around in the woods and hunting that damn-bloodsucker, barely getting any sleep, failing high school… I will be sorry to leave my father," he winced at the thought, "but you need me more. I'll go back and explain. He cares about you too, Bella, and he cares about Charlie. He'll want me to be with you." I didn't know what to say. I was overwhelmed. "Or do you really not want me to come? Not because you're being selfless and want me to stay with Billy, but because you don't want my company?" If he hadn't smelled so god-awful I would've hugged him. "_Of course_ I want you to come with me, Jake."

My face twisted and a lump rose in my throat. I realized I was tearlessly crying again. I couldn't tell if it was because I was moved, if it was from sadness or something else. Jacob looked like he wanted to hold me, but he knew better. "A vampire and a werewolf, running away together," I said, repeating his previous words. "That _is_ a first." He smiled at me, looking a little excited now that I was on board.

"And we can go wherever you want," he said, still smiling. "Not exactly… Like I said, I probably won't be able to be around people for a while," I felt the thirst again. It was truly painful, like Laurent's venom was still burning my throat, but when I'd been engrossed in the conversation with Jacob, only a very small part of my brain had been conscious of it. "That's fine, really. I've been in wolf-form for two weeks straight, so I'm getting used to feeding on animals and sleeping in the woods now."

"You can feed on animals when you're in wolf-form?" I asked, surprised and distracted again. My mood-swings would've made me dizzy if I'd still been human. "It was a little uncomfortable at first, and kind of weird, but once you learn to let the instincts take over and just _be_ a wolf, it's not so bad."

I thought about that for a while, imagining Jacob as a wolf, hunting animals in the forest. Then I imagined myself running next to him. "We really are a freakshow, aren't we," I said incredulously. Jacob let out a deep throaty laugh. "Yeah, we are."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 Soundtrack:**

**Adele – Hometown Glory**

**Damien Rice – Cold Water**

**Linkin Park – Leave Out All the Rest**

**Susanne Sundfør – White Foxes**

CHAPTER 9: MISSING

_Two months later._

I was driving down the familiar roads, surrounded by the green forest on each side; in the town I'd once called home – a word I rarely used.

Forks. It still looked just as it had when I'd left it, only now it was painted white and red with the old and worn posters that made my dead heart burn with pain and desperation. The red had started to fade in the words "MISSING PERSON" written above a picture of Bella Swan. Thinking about what the fading of the color meant made me speed up.

I thought back to the events that had made me come back there, to a place I'd promised my brother I'd never return to.

I had been in Denali, visiting the coven that lived there. I'd been out in the snow with Jasper, enjoying the great sight of the stars on the black sky. I hadn't tried to see into Bella's future since we'd left, as promised. Sometimes I would get involuntary glimpses of her running in a forest or driving to school, but it was never anything significant. A small part of me almost wished I'd see something that would give me a reason to go back… until the day came when exactly that happened.

I had decided to cheat. _What harm will it do to just check in on her, make sure she's okay_, I'd thought to myself. I closed my eyes and focused in on her, waiting for a vision. Nothing came. I concentrated harder, something I rarely had to do, but still nothing came. "What's wrong?" Jasper had asked me, looking at me with concerned eyes as he took in my expression. "I can't see Bella's future." He had sighed with a stated expression. "Alice, you promised you wouldn't look into her future anymore."

"You don't get it, _I can't see her future_," I said, my voice panicked. "I can't see _anything_." He furrowed his brows in worry as he grasped the meaning of my words. "Try Charlie," he said. I closed my eyes and concentrated again.

The visions came, one by one. Charlie in the grocery store, buying pizza. Charlie at home, watching TV and falling asleep on the couch. Charlie on his way to work, tears filling his eyes and his face twisted in sadness as he drove past… My eyes shot open and the air escaped my lungs with a whoosh. "Alice? What did you see?" But I just shook my head, trying to will it not to be true. Jasper's hands were holding my shoulders and giving me support, something my strong body had never needed before. "Missing person-posters. I saw missing person-posters."

And so I was back in Forks. I didn't know exactly for what, maybe to help Charlie look for her or to console him somehow, although I doubted my presence would be any comfort to him. I thought about Edward and wondered what to say to him. I'd have to tell him. He would find out the moment he got a chance to hear my thoughts anyways, and he'd be angry with me for not telling him sooner.

_He'll spend the rest of his existence looking for her_. My heart ached in pain.

I turned into the familiar driveway and stopped the car. I saw Charlie's face peek out the window, and his eyes widened in surprise. I tried to compose my face as I listened to his footsteps walking towards the front door. I got out of the car as he opened it, and when he saw my face his features relaxed and became friendlier. _Ah, you thought it was Edward_.

The anguish I felt was almost unbearable as I looked into his blood-shot and dead eyes. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his body, much thinner than it had been the last time I'd seen him. "I saw the posters," I whispered. He hugged me back then, and his face fell down on my shoulders. I felt him slightly shake, silently crying.

After a moment he sniffed and pulled back, looking down on the ground and using his sleeve to dry away the tears. Then he stepped back and motioned for me to come inside.

I went into the kitchen and sat down by the table. I could just barely smell her familiar scent, but it was starting to fade away. My insides felt like they were burning. "How long?" I asked when he sat down in the chair opposite mine. He took a while to answer, swallowing a few times. "Two months," he whispered. My stomach twisted as his words added more to the pain that was already tearing me apart. _We never should have left_, I thought and closed my eyes, trying not to break down. I needed to be strong for Charlie.

"Where was she last seen?" I asked, hoping my questions weren't too hard for him to bear. "I was the last one who saw her… She was here," he said, looking out the window. "We were in the driveway, I had just come home from work and she was on her way to her truck." He swallowed again, and I could hear the lump in his throat in the way he slightly choked on the words. "Do you know where she was going?" I asked. I was sure that he'd already answered these questions a hundred times before, but I needed to hear the answers. "She was just going for a run. She said something about a trail she'd found, in the woods." It sounded weird to me that Bella would go running in the forest. I remembered the involuntary visions I'd had of her, doing exactly that, but in none of the real memories I had of her had she said anything about running. I'd always seen her as an indoor-person.

"Was that normal for her, to look for trails and go running?" I asked. "Yeah, I think it was some sort of therapy for her," Charlie answered, his voice a bit steadier now that we weren't talking about something directly connected to her disappearance. _Therapy_, I thought to myself. I had hoped Bella would recover fast from the breakup, but if she needed therapy then maybe my prayers hadn't been answered. "Was she very upset after we left, Charlie?" I asked, fearing his answer. He nodded and his eyes filled with tears again. "I'm sorry…" I whispered, feeling impossibly worse. "It's not _your_ fault," he said, obviously blaming someone else. "Edward was very sorry to leave Bella," I started, but he looked up at me then, his eyes fierce, and I didn't need to read minds to know what he was thinking. His eyes said it very clearly: _don't you even dare_… I shut my mouth and nodded.

"Are there any clues at all?" I asked after letting him calm down. "Some hikers found her truck. We searched the forests nearby for days, but we never found anything." _No leads_, I thought to myself, feeling just as desperate as Charlie looked.

"There's another… lead," his voice grew angry on the latter word, " but I'm not buying it."

"What lead?" I asked, feeling hopeful for the first time. "Bella and Jacob, a boy who lives down in La Push, were close friends. She was doing a lot better after they started hanging out," I felt my stomach twist a little when I realized what that meant, that she hadn't been doing very good up until then, "and apparently he ran away from home the same day Bella went missing." I felt the hope expand in my chest. If I'd had a pulse, it would've sped up. "Billy, that's his father, says that Bella probably went with him, but… when I ask him questions about it, he seems… almost secretive. I can't make sense of it." I tried to imagine Bella running away with a friend, leaving Charlie behind with no answers. I couldn't make sense of it either.

"And she was in her running tights. She didn't have a bag with her or anything. She just looked like she was going for a run, like she did every day." He sounded so lost, like he'd been thinking it through over and over again for two months, which I guessed that he had, trying to come up with answers. "Is anything missing from her room, or…?" He shook his head. "No. Even her toothbrush is still in its usual spot. I checked her bank account too, but there have been no withdrawals." I nodded and felt the hope drain away.

I looked at Charlie's face, with his dark and sad eyes. He looked exhausted. Bella would never leave him like this, not the Bella I knew. I thought about the boy from La Push, Jacob, and what Charlie had said about his father seeming secretive. I tried to come up with a possible explanation, but I couldn't. I tried very hard not to think the torturing thought that would make all speculation futile, but I couldn't hold it back for long. _And on top of that, I can't see her future anymore_. I knew very well that there was more to it than just teenage rebellion.

"We will find out what happened. I'll do everything I can to help you find her." I lent over the table and grabbed his hand, hoping my cold and hard one could offer him some comfort. He didn't even seem to notice.

We sat like that in silence for a while. His eyes were distant as he looked out the window. I tried very hard not to imagine what might have happened to her in that forest, but the possibilities still ran through my mind, and I felt like I grew colder with each one.

Kidnapped. Murdered. Raped _and_ murdered. Attacked by a bear. Fell down and hit her head.

All the possibilities I could imagine ended in her death.

I stayed with Charlie, trying to help him cope with the loss and pain, and then sometimes speculating with him, going through all the details over and over again, depending on his mood. I was probably trying to postpone the inevitable conversation with Edward. For the very first time, I was glad that he rarely called.

He made up the couch for me; something he didn't know was completely pointless. Neither of us suggested that I sleep in Bella's room.

The first night staying there, I snuck into her room after Charlie had fallen asleep. It was unusually tidy, and I wondered if Charlie had cleaned it. I thin layer of dust covered the floor, and there were no footsteps in it, so I came to the conclusion that he probably hadn't been in there in weeks.

I breathed in, and her scent still lingered. It was stronger there than in the rest of the house. "Bella," I whispered as I closed my eyes, picturing her face and breathing in her scent as I tried to force a vision of her to appear. Nothing came.

I looked through all of her stuff, putting everything back exactly where I had found it, trying to find _something_ that could give me answers. When I sat down on her bed, the air that blew up around my face made me wrinkle my nose. It was Bella's scent mixed with something else… like the smell of wet dog, only worse. I furrowed my brows, trying to make sense of it. I thought about asking Charlie if they'd had a dog in the house, maybe watching it for a neighbor on vacation, but thought better of it. He would wonder why I'd asked, and I couldn't think of any reasonable explanation.

I stayed on her bed as I dialed Jasper's number. I needed to hear his voice. I told him every detail of what had happened since I got there, including everything Charlie had told me. He didn't have any possible explanations either.

A few days later I asked Charlie to give me directions to where Bella's truck had been found. "Alice, you're not going to go looking for clues there, are you? I don't want you running around in that forest." I had read in a newspaper earlier that people were reporting to the police about seeing big bears in the woods, so I knew what he was thinking. Neither of us had spoken the possibility that that might have been what happened to Bella. It was painful enough just thinking it. "No, of course not. I'm just wondering in case it's nearby something else. Maybe she never went into the forest at all," I lied. "They found her truck in a parking lot just below the trailhead where the one-ten ends. There's nothing around there in a walking distance but the trails," he said in a dead voice.

He wasn't in the mood for my questions today.

Some days he would desperately be going through every detail of the days before she went missing, trying to think of something that could be a clue, and then other days he would surrender to his grief and go into a depressed and non-responsive state. I was no different.

But that day I was determined to keep looking for answers. I wanted to be active, because the opposite felt like giving up, and giving up meant accepting that she was just gone. When he fell asleep later in the evening, I snuck out of the house and ran the directions he'd given me, afraid the engine of the car might wake him up.

I spent 7 hours running through one forest after another, again and again, but there was nothing there to be found, smelled or heard. I hunted down some deer before I started the run back, killing two birds with one stone.

When I got to Charlie's house, I heard him breathing and slightly shifting his weight on a chair in the kitchen. _Damn it_. I quickly made up an excuse and walked in.

"Charlie?" I asked in a low voice as I passed the kitchen door, pretending that I'd just spotted him there. He still jumped up with wide eyes, and I heard his heartbeat speed up. "Alice? Where were you! I woke up, and you were gone, I –" I quickly interrupted him, "I was just outside talking on the phone. My dad called to check in on me, and I didn't want to wake you by talking inside the house, so I stepped outside." I walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Calm down, Charlie, everything's okay." I saw his jaw tighten and he nodded stiffly and sat back down, looking exhausted as usual.

I was feeling guiltier and guiltier for not calling Edward, and a couple of days later I was working myself up to make the call when I heard Charlie gasp outside the house. I ran to the front door at full speed. "What's wrong?" I asked, panicked. He was on his knees by the mailbox with his back to me, holding something in his hands. I walked slowly over to him; scared of what I would see when I peeked over his shoulder. As soon as the letter in his hand became visible, it felt like my heart swelled up and was about to explode with all the emotions I felt.

Dad,

I am so sorry, you can't imagine how sorry, for what I've put you through. Please believe me when I say that I never wanted to leave you.

I probably shouldn't have sent you this letter, as I can't explain to you why I had to disappear, but I couldn't live with the guilt of leaving you without any answers. I will never forgive myself for putting you through this.

Something happened, and I can't tell you what, but I had to leave. Jacob came with me. Please believe me when I say that I didn't have a choice. I'm trying to be as honest as I can, but I realize it must seem like I'm doing the opposite.

I promise you that this won't be my last letter.

I just want you to know that I'm safe and that I love you. I miss you terribly, dad.

Love, Bella.

I read the letter twice, even though it was pointless. My memory was flawlessly eidetic. I crouched down next to Charlie and placed my hand on his shoulder. He was still reading the letter, probably for the third time, with a shocked expression. "This is good news, Charlie. She's safe." He leaned back on his heels and let his hands fall into his lap, his eyes distant. "She's safe," he mouthed, unable to find his voice. Then his face suddenly twisted, and he started crying. It was tears of relief.

A few hours later, when the shock had worn off, we were sitting in the living room, back to speculating. "What could she _possibly_ have gotten herself into that made her think she had to _leave_?" Charlie asked, his voice tired and worn. "I don't know… Maybe she's lying to cover up for Jacob? Maybe he got into trouble, and he doesn't want his father to know about it, or…" But it stopped there. I didn't really believe it. Bella was definitely the kind of person who would put herself on line to protect someone she loved, but never if it would hurt Charlie this way. She must really have meant what she said… But what could possibly have happened to her that required her to stay away…

When Charlie finally fell asleep in the early morning hours, I knew what I had to do.

I dialed Edward's number, hoping he wouldn't pick up. Of course, I wasn't that lucky. "Hello." His voice was impatient, but otherwise emotionless. _No use beating around the bush, _I thought. "Edward you need to come back to Forks." I felt my face twist in pain, but tried to push it back. He was silent for half a second. "What? Alice, _where_ are you?" I hated myself for being the one who had to tell him. "Edward, Bella's missing." Silence. Then I heard something made of glass smash into a surface and land on a floor in a thousand little pieces. I mentally winced as I waited for his response.

"Tell me everything," he said, his voice fierce and almost animalistic. I could hear footsteps and doors opening and closing. He was already on his way. I explained everything, so fast it would've been inaudible for human ears. When I was done, I could hear the sound of a car engine in the background. "See you soon," he said, and then he hung up.

I sat completely still for hours, waiting for Charlie to wake up. I heard his alarm go off at 7 in the morning, then his groan as he woke up, probably still exhausted. When he came down the stairs I pretended to still be asleep on the couch. I couldn't face him, I didn't know if I'd be able to keep my face from showing the pain and dread I felt.

I listened to him as he drank his coffee and ate his breakfast, went up to shower and brush his teeth, and then as he changed into his uniform and left the house to go to work. When I heard him pull out of the driveway, I stayed motionless. There wasn't really anything to do but wait.

37 minutes later, I heard the sound of an engine roaring in protest as it was pushed to its limits, and then tires squealing as the car turned up the driveway and came to a sudden stop.

Time stopped. Everything went quiet.

I got up and walked slowly towards the front door, and when I opened it all I saw was my brother's face through the windshield, his eyes burning in pain as he looked up at the big white house.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 soundtrack:**

**Theophilus London – Neighbors**

CHAPTER 10: SPECIAL

_May 15th Manhattan, New York. 11 months after the transformation._

We were testing me, which was completely irresponsible. My body was rigid in my seat, and I was barely breathing. I let myself inhale the tiniest bit, and my throat started to ache with the thirst as my mouth filled with venom.

It was raining outside, and the tiny café was cramped with people. They all smelled so delicious, and their wet hair and skin only made their scent sweeter. I closed my eyes and moaned. Jacob looked up from the gigantic hamburger he was trying to fit into his mouth whole and gave me a stern look. "Cwontwol, Bevva," he said, making crumbs of bread and meat fly out of his mouth, which was so full his cheeks looked like inflated balloons. "Ew, Jake. Say it, don't spray it." He tried to laugh, but that too was quite impossible. When he finally managed to swallow, he took a huge gulp of his coke and leaned back in his seat. "Man, it's good to eat some normal food again." He was looking at his hamburger like he was in love.

Poor Jacob. We had been living in the forest for nearly 10 months before he managed to convince me to try being around people, and he still hadn't gotten over the relief of returning to a human diet. "If we're not spending any time around humans at all, how are you ever going to learn to control yourself around them?" he'd asked. I hadn't been able to come up with an intelligent answer.

My first time smelling a human had been… interesting. We'd started out with something easy (or so we had thought). We hid behind the trees a few feet from the trail and waited for a hiker to pass by. Jacob was in wolf-form, as he usually was, sitting next to me. We were both completely still.

I smelled the humans before I saw or heard them. My lip curled up in a hiss, venom filled my mouth and I crouched down, ready to spring at them. The pain in my throat had flared up, and it was unbearable. It didn't matter the tiniest bit that I'd filled up on animal blood in advance. It didn't matter that they were human beings, because all I wanted and all I could think about was their blood.

I started to run in the direction the scent had come from at full speed. I could hear Jacob's footsteps behind me, and a small part of my brain wanted me to slow down so I could let him stop me, but I was too out of control. I could hear their voices clearly. They were almost in sight.

Then suddenly, something crashed into me from behind, making me fall over. He pinned me to the ground, but I fought him off and turned to run. He was in front of me then, blocking my path and pushing me back with his gigantic head. My lips curled up in a hiss, and I was ready to fight him if that's what it would take to get what I wanted. What I _needed_.

The scent of human blood clouded my mind, pulling my concentration in two different directions, and so Jacob managed to over-power me. He didn't really try to hurt me; he was trying to push me back. He managed to bite down on my arm, his teeth the first thing to physically hurt me since I'd become a vampire, and started dragging me away. The pain woke me up a bit, it distracted me, and I became just coherent enough to realize that I shouldn't fight him; that he was helping me. He ran away, dragging me along like a rag-doll.

The wind changed slightly, and for a brief moment fresh air blew past me. I quickly inhaled it and then stopped breathing. I punched Jacob in the shoulder, and he looked down on me where I hang limply from his mouth. I pinched my nose with my fingers, showing him I was holding my breath, and he let go. But I needed to get further away, and to his big surprise I climbed up on his back. I didn't trust my legs, I was too scared that they would turn around against my will and run back towards the hikers.

"Run," I whispered.

I tried to focus on the way my body slightly jumped up and down on his back while he ran, trying to calm down and push the memory of the scent out of my mind. When he knew we were a safe distance away where the wind couldn't carry the scent to us, he stopped and I climbed down, still holding my breath.

Jacob made a sound, and I looked up at him. He lifted one of his paws, the one that had a pair of jeans tied around the ankle, telling me he wanted to phase and get changed. I closed my eyes to give him some privacy.

A few seconds later, Jacob the human stood next to me and looked at me with wide eyes. "That was kind of scary," he said. "Yeah, it was." I breathed in the fresh air with equal parts relief and disappointment.

"I had no idea it would be that bad. But you weren't completely gone though, were you? It didn't feel like you were really trying to fight me off," he said, still sounding scared, but a little hopeful. "I was… the scent just distracted me." His lips formed a silent "oh", and then we were both quiet for a while. Far, far away, I could faintly hear voices talking.

"Did you _hear_ that?"

"What was it?"

"I don't know, sounded like a thunder or something… I swear I felt the ground shake."

One week later, we tried again.

We were trying to be smarter about it this time. Jacob was situated further down by the trail, in wolf form like the last time, so he could give me a warning before anyone passed by me. After a few hours of waiting I heard him running in my direction, and a few seconds later he appeared through the trees. I looked up at him and he nodded, giving me the signal that someone would walk past us soon. We were hidden, like last time, behind the trees by the trail.

I breathed very slowly in and out of my mouth. After a few minutes, I could taste it on my tongue. It wasn't as bad as smelling it, but my throat still felt like it had caught on fire. I tried breathing in the tiniest amount of air through my nose, and my eyes rolled back in my head a little. The scent was just as sweet as it had been the first time. Jacob's eyes never left my face, ready to stop me if it looked like I was going to snap again. But I was able to resist. I was very aware of the fact that this was something I didn't have to give in to.

I looked up at the wolf next to me, and he lowered his head, looking deeper into my eyes. I nodded slowly, and I saw his body relax. He had been almost as tense as I was. I could hear the humans' soft footsteps, coming closer and closer.

I let myself breathe in again, deeper this time, still looking into the wolf's black eyes. I could still resist it. I kept breathing, slowly inhaling and exhaling, letting the scent burn my throat. It was bearable, but the scent kept getting stronger. I listened to their footsteps, two sets of feet, as they walked past us where we stayed hidden behind the trees. I was still breathing, and still restricting.

When they were finally gone, and the air was almost clean again, I felt my shoulders lower as I could finally relax. I smiled up at Jacob, and he smiled back. Then I laughed, partially in relief and joy, and partially because he looked like an idiot when he smiled in wolf-form.

Slowly yet certainly, I started to get better and better, and we were ready to move out of the forest, about which Jacob was very relieved.

At that time, we had been living in the Boise National Forest in Idaho, which had been the perfect home for us as humans were nowhere to be seen (or smelled) when we stayed far enough off the trails, and mule deer and elk were on the menu.

Jacob contacted Billy, and he had managed to persuade Jared to drive Jacob's Volkswagen Rabbit to Seattle, where Jake met him. He then picked me up in Boise, and we were free to go wherever our gas-money could take us.

We decided on New York. The first weeks, we spent most of our time in the forest west of the I-87. We would take day trips to Albany so Jacob could eat normal food and I could practice being around humans. After a couple of weeks, we moved to Manhattan, an extremely crowded place that was, as Jacob put it "the perfect place to practice."

And so there I sat, in the crowded café where people kept rushing in to escape the rain. "You okay?" Jacob asked, taking in my strained expression. "Not really," I said. "But it's bearable." He looked at me compassionately, knowing I was in pain. "It's okay, Jake. I'm fine. Talking about it doesn't really help me _not_ think about it though." My voice was a tad to angry on the last sentence. He nodded and turned his attention back to his hamburger, knowing my moods well.

I sighed, regretting that I'd snapped at him, and looked out the window. I caught my reflection in the glass and stared at the familiar, yet strange face. Beautiful liquid topaz eyes, framed by a thick fringe of black lashes, stared back at me. I was very grateful when the bright red had slowly started to fade away and change into the familiar golden color. I hadn't intentionally looked in a mirror since I'd transformed, but now and then I would catch my reflection in Jacob's eyes, passing by a puddle, and, since we moved to the city, in windows.

Usually, I would look away or try to ignore the person in my reflection, but now I stared back.

I blinked, and so did she. When I parted my lips, she mimicked me. I felt my eyebrows pull together and saw hers do the same. Her face started to look disgusted, and her glare became hostile.

A strangers face. A glorious face that haunted me with the dark irony of it all. She mocked me with her beauty – the perfection in her pale and indestructible skin, the delicate purple bruises under her golden eyes and her strong sharp teeth, barely visible under a full and pink upper lip.

I started to feel an overwhelming anger. I despised her. I saw the brutal anger I felt reflected in the stranger's face. I could feel my throat starting to vibrate slightly, building up to a growl.

At the same time my hands balled up into fists under the table, something happened that startled me for the first time since I'd become a vampire.

The window shattered into pieces before my eyes, and the reflection fell apart in the broken glass. A waitress dropped her tray, startled, several people gasped and someone behind me shrieked. I slowly turned my head and looked at Jacob. His hand was frozen in the air, holding the glass he'd been about to take a sip of while he stared at me with wide eyes. Time stopped. Everything went silent.

"Should we leave?" he whispered, and I nodded frantically. We got up and jogged out of the café and into the pouring rain. I turned my head and looked at the broken glass spread out on the sidewalk, still unable to understand what had just happened.

No one had thrown anything at it. If anyone had, I would have heard and seen it long before it hit the glass. Nothing had happened. The glass had simply exploded for no good reason.

Jacob jogged past me and turned around to face me. I stopped and stared at him, begging him with my eyes to make sense of it. "What happened? What did you do?" he asked. I shook my head. "I didn't do anything, I didn't even touch it!" He furrowed his brows in confusion. "Did someone throw a rock at it or something?" I shook my head again. "No, I was staring out the window, I would've seen it."

"Well, something must've happened." I thought back to the anger I'd felt, how my hands had balled up into fists…

"I was looking out the window, and I caught my reflection in it. I was angry, upset… and I did something with my hands, and then it just exploded." Jacob looked impossibly more confused, and it was quiet for a while as we stared at each other. Suddenly his face lit up in realization. "Bella, didn't you once tell me about how some vampires have special abilities?" I shook my head, dismissing the idea. "That's only like… one in fifty, if even that."

"Really? In the Cullen-family alone you told me three of them had extra abilities. Maybe you can… like… smash windows with your mind, or something." _Smash windows with my mind_. _How useful_, I thought sarcastically. "I don't know… I don't know what happened."

A few hours later, when the day had faded into night, we were in The Rabbit, parked on a secluded spot by East River Park. Jacob had adjusted his seat to make room for his long legs and so he could lean more comfortably back and fall asleep. I sat in the driver's seat next to him, reading a book on nanotechnology that I'd "borrowed without permission" from a library.

Jacob was very still beside me, but I knew he was awake. He'd always snore ever so softly when he feel asleep. "Bella?" He said in a quiet voice that I knew very well. It was the voice he always used when he wanted to ask me about something he knew I didn't want to talk about. "Do you ever think about… trying to find them?" I knew very well who he meant. "No." I didn't need to think about my answer. I'd already thought about it a hundred times before. "Good," he said, his voice slightly angry, but I knew it wasn't directed at me. "They're very good people, Jacob, it's not that. I would just feel way too embarrassed." He furrowed his brows at that. "Why would _you _feel embarrassed?" I thought about it for a second, wondering how to phrase it. "I wanted so badly to be a part of their family. I wanted to be with him forever, and so –" but Jacob shot up in his seat and interrupted me. "You _wanted_ to become a vampire?" he asked incredulously. "Jeez Jake, you could _try_ to hide your distaste for my specie." He rolled his eyes at me. "I didn't mean it like _that_, you sensitive albino. It's just that you seem so upset about it."

My heart ached. It was hard to think about, and even harder to talk about it. "I didn't want to become a vampire just to _be_ one, I wanted it because I wished to spend eternity with the one I loved, and join a family that I loved as well. I knew it meant making sacrifices, but I was prepared to do that. Becoming one _now_… that's a whole other story. All it's done is take away everything I care about. Except you," I said and looked at him with gratitude. I was very lucky to have Jacob.

Jacob was quiet for a while, thinking about what I'd said with far-away eyes. "But why would you feel embarrassed, though?" he asked, remembering his initial question. I smiled darkly. "Because I'd feel… like I was trying to force myself on them. If they didn't want me then, I don't see why they would want me now." Jacob sighed. "And back then you were all shy and nice, and now you suffer from rage blackouts," he said mockingly and grinned. I punched him in the arm, which made him laugh harder. "You're like the Hulk."

"Hey, you're the one who turns into a big scary monster when you get upset," I pointed out. "True. I guess we're both kinda freaky."

A few moments later I could hear the familiar and soothing sound of Jacobs soft snoring. I sighed, looking out the windows and thinking. I thought back to the incident at the café, wondering what had happened and thinking about what Jacob had suggested about special abilities. I went over it over and over again, but I couldn't come up with a better explanation. I remembered how my hands had clenched at the exact moment the glass had exploded. I looked at the book on the dashboard. _Well, it doesn't hurt to try_. I stared at it, trying to focus all of my thoughts on moving it, but it stayed completely still. I tried clenching my hands, but still nothing happened.

In the café I'd been upset. Maybe that was the key. I tried to make myself angry again, thinking about the dark irony of my life and the girl in the reflection who mocked me with her beauty. Getting angry was easy. I could already feel the bile rising in my throat. I focused in on the book again, trying to imagine that it was the source of all my agony. Then I slowly clenched my fist and to my amazement, the cover opened ever so slightly and the pages fluttered for a short second before it fell closed.

I stared at it with wide eyes, my mouth open in shock.

8 hours later, Jacob started shifting in his seat, smacking his mouth a little as he slowly started to wake up. He opened his eyes and stretched, his mouth wide open in a yawn.

"Good morning. How was your night?" he asked. "It was… interesting. I learned a new trick," I said and smiled. "What?" he asked in a dull voice, still tired and looking at me with heavy lids. "Watch this," I said. I closed my eyes in concentration, visualizing. It was easier when emotions were involved.

After a few minutes, I opened my eyes and glared at the book. Then I reached out my hand and slowly moved it to the right, envisioning that I was pushing the book, and it slid over to Jacob's side of the car.

I had practiced all night and my mind was exhausted, something I'd never felt since I'd become a vampire.

Jacob shot up in his seat, staring back and forth at the book and me. "_What!_" His voice was a few octaves lighter than usual. I shrugged at him. "You were sleeping, and I got bored." He picked up the book and inspected it. Then he looked back at me, and his face broke into a proud grin.

"Jake… I _can't_ practice anymore, I'm exhausted." We were at a dump yard, surrounded by garbage, old furniture and pieces of broken cars. "Come on! One more time," he said eagerly. I was sitting Indian style on the ground and rubbing my temples, and it reminded me of how Alice used to do it when she'd focus really hard on her visions.

We'd been practicing for days, and I was getting better. I had more control over it, like I could feel the invisible arms in my mind, but stretching them out was draining.

I opened my eyes and focused in on the rusty car-door again. It helped when I used my hands, so I reached them out and visualized that I was lifting the door. It slowly levitated, going higher and higher, until my arms dropped down in exhaustion and it fell back down.

"You've got to admit it's pretty cool," he said as he walked over to me and sat down. "Yeah, I guess. It's kind of useless, though," I answered in a tired voice. "_Useless_?"

"Name one way to make use of that," I said, motioning to the car door I'd lifted. He thought about it for a while, but couldn't seem to come up with anything. "Still pretty cool, though."

"Would've been cooler to have a power that I could _do_ something with. Like make money appear out of thin air," I said.

Neither of us had any identification. Even if I'd had my credit card or checkbook, making withdrawals from my account would be too risky. We barely had any money left from what Billy had left for us in the dashboard of the car. Getting a job probably wouldn't have been so hard if it hadn't been for the fact that people were a tad skeptical about hiring people that didn't have any ID and who wanted their pay in cash.

If we didn't find a solution fast, Jake would have to go back to eating exclusively in wolf-form. "Yeah," Jacob answered, looking just as lost as I felt. "We still have enough gas and money for you to drive back home," I said, all the while trying to push back the sadness that threatened to overpower me at the thought. "You don't have to stay with me," I added. He smiled sweetly at me, and I knew what he was going to say. "I know that Bella. I _want_ to stay with you. Would've been nice if staying with you meant living in a hotel suite in Vegas though," he said with a grin.

We sat there for a while, both of us silently thinking.

"I used to think humans were so ordinary compared to vampires, who were so beautiful and strong. Like it was some huge accomplishment," I said, thinking back. "I see things so differently now. What really makes people who they are is what they do with the cards they're dealt. Vampires can run fast, but humans built cars and planes. Vampires have better vision, but humans invented microscopes. And here I am, a vampire, and I can't even figure out a way to make a few bucks to feed my friend." Jacob put his arm around my shoulders. His heat and scent didn't bother me anymore; I rarely even noticed it.

"So, what are we going to do with the cards we've been dealt?" he asked. I had an idea then, and I felt my face light up. "Gamble."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 Soundtrack:**

**The Features – From Now On **

**Elvis – A Little Less Conversation**

**Dinosaur Jr. – Said the People**

CHAPTER 11: VEGAS

While Jacob was driving, I was practicing. Moving small objects was fairly easy, but being accurate wasn't. "You think you'll be able to do it?" he asked and looked at the small pen that I was moving around in a circle on the dashboard. "I think so… it's hard to say. This is fairly easy, but doing it with a ball that's already moving might be harder." Jacob nodded, but I could see the confidence in his eyes.

"Explain the rules to me," I said. I lifted the pen up in the air to practice my precision by pointing it toward the window and moving it forward while aiming at a small spot on the glass. The tip missed by a few millimeters and I let the pen drop down and tried again. "I've never played before, but I think it's fairly easy. There are several players, and each of them places one or several bets on numbers in black and red. We'll only place one bet. The less bets you play, the more money you win. The croupier starts the spin and launches the ball, and that's where you come in," he said and glanced at me while I lifted the pen again. It helped when I used my hands, so I lifted my right hand with my thumb and index finger pressed together like I was holding the pen, and moved it towards the shield. The pen moved to, steadier this time, and hit the little spot on the shield. I smiled in satisfaction, and then I moved my hand slightly backwards so that the pen hovered in the air, and slowly lowered it down on the dashboard.

"Jacob, is this stealing?" I asked. "Yes and no. I don't think there's a rule about using your mind to move the ball into the right slot. In fact, I think most people who play roulette are trying to do exactly that. It's not your fault that it actually works in your case." I didn't feel good about it, but then again… I kind of did. Life had given me nothing but disappointment, loss and heartbreak, and so I had learned a valuable lesson: Don't bother playing by the rules.

We arrived, as planned, when the sun was down. Las Vegas wasn't like any place I'd ever been. Everything was so big and full of lights, so ostentatious. There were huge fountains, gigantic lit up buildings and bright colors everywhere. It was all very grand. Jacob looked just as fascinated as me.

He stopped the car outside a magnificent building that was slightly curved and seemed to glow in a beautiful, golden color. Even I knew what building that was. "The Bellagio?" I asked incredulously. He shrugged. "If all goes well, why not?" he said and shrugged. "I have a feeling we'll be severely underdressed," I said. We had bought new clothes for the occasion, but we couldn't afford anything fancier than cheap jeans and simple white t-shirts.

We got out of the car and Jacob tipped the valet. "How much do we have left now?" I asked, dreading the answer. "10 dollars. But that's about to change. Ladies first," he said. I looked up at the very intimidating building and started walking towards the entrance.

The Bellagio was just as magnificent on the inside as it was on the outside. The reception area was a huge room with shiny tile floors and beautiful carpets, and the lightning seemed to be slightly golden. It looked more like a palace than a hotel. "Hello. What can I help you with?" the attractive receptionist asked us in a professional voice. "We'd like to try your casino," Jacob answered confidently. "Okay. Can I see some ID please?" Jacob handed her two IDs we'd stolen a few days earlier. I had felt guilty about it, but knowing we weren't going to steal any money from them made it bearable. "Thank you," she said and handed them back to him. "Our Casino is right through that hallway," she said and pointed at two double doors at the right end of the reception area. "Would you like a tour?" Jacob politely declined, and we started walking towards the Casino-entrance.

We entered the casino and Jacob went to change our ten-dollar bill into a chip. The Bellagio's Casino was decorated in the same style as the rest of the hotel: classy and luxurious. We walked through rows of slot machines, past big green tables where people played cards and past several restaurants that Jacob drooled over. When we could see the roulette table a few feet away, we stopped and looked at each other. "Are you ready?" he asked. "Lets do this," I said, but my voice wasn't as confident as my words.

"Place your bets", the croupier said, a short man dressed in a white shirt, with a black vest and a shiny tie. People placed their chips on different numbers on the table layout; some people placed several bets while others only placed one. Jacob held out his hand with our one and only chip, and I picked it up and placed it on the black 33. If my heart had still been beating, it would've been racing. I moved closer to the wheel were he would throw the ball so I would have a better view, and watched unblinking as he started the spin and launched the ball. I let it roll a few rounds on it's own accord. "No more bets," the croupier said as the ball started to slow down, and I focused in on it.

Under the table, my finger was moving in a circle as I focused on the ball, at first just to keep it rolling. I located the black 33 in my peripheral vision and made the ball slow down. I let it roll one more round, all the way slowing it down. I pretended that my finger, still hidden under the table, was guiding it as I focused on leading it straight into the black slot that said 33.

To my amazement, I did it.

"Black 33!" the croupier called out. I looked up at Jacob with wide eyes, and his smile was so big it looked like his face would break. He grabbed me up into a hug and lifted me up from the ground. The croupier took our 10-dollar chip and shoved rows of new chips towards us. I quickly counted them in my head. 360 dollars. "Feeling lucky?" Jacob asked and raised an eyebrow at me. "Very," I answered, and watched as he placed all of our chips on the red 16. I could see the croupier look at us with a smile on his lips in my peripheral vision, probably thinking we were idiots.

When everyone around the table had placed their bets, he once again started the spin and launched the ball. I let it roll a few rounds on its own, like last time, until the croupier said "No more bets." I focused in on it and took control. I could feel my mind steering it, much easier now that I felt more confident, and once again located our slot in my peripheral vision. I slowed it down, let it roll it's last round, and steered it into the red slot with the white number 16. "Red 16," the croupier called out, and I could hear the surprise in his voice as he realized we had won again. The other players applauded as Jacob grabbed me into another bear hug.

The croupier took out a calculator from his pocket, and when he had made the calculation he took our chips and replaced them with new ones, much more and each of higher value. _12 960 dollars_, I thought in amazement. "How about I take you to dinner?" I asked, looking at Jacob's incredulous face as he stared down at the chips.

The waitress carried a huge lobster-platter to our table, and Jacob looked at it openmouthed in awe. I laughed at the hungry expression on his face as she set it down on the table in front of him. "Still nothing for you, miss?" she asked. I could hear that her heart rate sped up a bit when she looked into my eyes. "No thank you," I answered politely as I wondered if she thought I looked scary. I could see my own reflection in her eyes, and my golden eyes and almost white skin did look a little odd against the jet-black fabric of the dress I was wearing. The Bellagio restaurant was just as fancy as the rest of the hotel, so we'd bought new clothes for the occasion. Jacob was wearing black pants and a blue shirt that was beautiful with his tan skin, while I was wearing a long black dress.

"Jake?" I said, and he mumbled "Hmmm," without looking up from his food. It sounded like a combination of "Hm?" and "Mmm". "Do I look scary?" I asked. He swallowed and looked up at me. "Why do you ask that?" he wondered with a humorous expression. "The waitress' heartbeat sped up when she looked at me," I said. He thought about it for a few seconds, and then shrugged. "I don't know. I've been staring at your face for a year now, so I don't think I'm the right person to judge. But isn't that pretty natural, though? Don't you think a lamb would be a little frightened if it ever came face to face with a lion?" he said and grinned at me. It felt like my heart froze as he said the words. I kept my face composed and nodded, but Jacob's eyes were on the food again.

I breathed in deeply and tried to focus on the thirst instead. It was a different kind of pain, a physical one that was a good distraction from the aching inside me.

"Don't you miss normal food?" Jacob asked when he was done eating. He leaned back in his chair with both hands resting on his still flat stomach. "No, not at all. That looks very unappetizing to me," I said and nodded at his plate. "It doesn't smell or look like food anymore," I added, looking at the lobster shells. Jacob shook his head like I was crazy, and then he started looking for the waitress so he could order dessert.

The next week was spent moving from hotel to hotel so we wouldn't draw too much attention to ourselves. Jacob gambled a lot, but he wasn't very good at it, so every now and then I had to win us back the money he lost. It wasn't any trouble though, and I was glad to do it as long as he was having fun.

Jacob slept in the daytime so he could be awake with me when the sun was down. I spent the days reading behind closed curtains, studying science mostly. When the sun finally set, Jacob would wake up and we changed into appropriate outfits for a night spent in a luxurious casino. As neither of us were big fans of shopping, we both stuck to the outfits we'd bought that first night. Every time we entered the casinos, people stared at us like we were famous. At first it had confused me, but I quickly realized we must look very attractive to them.

On our 8th day in Las Vegas, Jacob decided to find a payphone and call Billy. It was early in the morning and the sun was shining, so I stayed in the hotel room. A stream of light had managed to sneak in through a small gap in the curtains. I reached out my hand and watched my skin sparkle in the sunlight as I thought about Charlie. I'd give anything to be able to call him and hear his voice again. I'd almost forgotten his face; the human memories were still trying to fade away. I thought about writing him another letter, but I had no idea what I would write. _Hi, dad. Still safe, but still unable to tell you anything, so… anyways, just sending you this letter to torment you some more_, I thought bitterly to myself.

I closed my eyes, and I could feel the sob building in my throat as I tried to picture his face. I would do anything to be human again. I would stand in fire for centuries.

Jacob broke my train of through as he came suddenly through the door. I opened my eyes and looked at him, and was shocked to see his face twisted in pain, just like mine. "What's wrong?" I asked, already panicked. "Sam answered the phone. It's… dad. He's sick," Jacob choked out. I ran over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. When I pulled back, his cheeks were wet with tears. "Sick how?" I asked, dreading the answer. I already new it was serious. "Cancer," he whispered and closed his eyes. "Let's go," I said and turned to pack our things.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: soundtrack:**

**Eddie Vedder – Society**

**Eddie Vedder – No Ceiling**

**Damien Rice – The Blower's Daughter**

CHAPTER 12: GOODBYE

Jacob opened his eyes, smacking his lips a bit and squinting at the sun with a confused expression. He stretched his big arms, yawning. Then his eyes landed on me, and they widened in surprise.

We were driving through the Nevada desert, and Jacob had been sound asleep in the darkness behind the tinted windows before I'd stopped the car to put down the hood. He was a heavy sleeper, but the wind and sun had eventually woken him up.

I grinned at him. "How do I look?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. My skin was sparkling in the sun, like I was covered in thousands of tiny diamonds. He hesitated. He very rarely saw me in the sun like that. He would normally sleep in the daytime so he could be with me at night, and when we'd lived in the forest, the sun had often been blocked by the trees. "Uhm. Great." I rolled my eyes at him. "You're scared silly," I said, and he winced a bit. "Okay, you look kinda freaky."

I jokingly punched him in the arm, which made him slam into the car-door. He punched me back, putting more force into it than I had. I stomped my foot down on the break, making the car screech to a sudden stop so that Jacob's head almost smacked down on the dashboard. He reached out to grab me, but I was already out of the car, running away.

I heard a very familiar sound – the sound of Jacob phasing – and turned to see a big russet colored wolf running after me. I screamed in excitement and sped up. I could hear it clearly when his feet dug slightly into the ground as he jumped up to attack. I stopped abruptly and crouched down just before his claws reached me, making him fly right over my body as I laughed, before I started running in the other direction.

He wasn't far behind me as I ran, and I could see the excitement in his gigantic wolf-face as he growled and roared. It sounded humorous… if _growling_ can ever really sound humorous.

There were no humans around, and we so rarely got the chance to just be our freaky selves and play around.

I slowed down slightly, letting him catch up with me, but just before he reached me I let my body fall down on the ground, and he stumbled over me. I didn't get up, I stayed there laughing, and he sat down next to me and looked at me with an angry face. He didn't like losing.

He poked my chin with his nose then, trying to tell me to look away so he could phase and get dressed. "What? What do you want?" I teased, looking at him with innocent eyes. He nudged me again, trying to move my head to the other direction, but as soon as he backed away, I turned around again. "What? What are you trying to say? Just phase and tell me." He rolled his eyes and let out a big sigh that made drool splatter in all directions. I laughed at him and closed my eyes, covering them with my hands so he would know I wasn't peeking.

A few moments later, a human finger poked my hands, and I let them drop from my face. "You're in an exceptionally annoying mood today," he said, looking down at me from where he sat next to my head. "Don't be such a baby, you're just mad that I beat you." His lower lip jutted out slightly. "You didn't beat me, you just… distracted me with all of your sparkling freakiness." I giggled and he rolled his eyes and muttered "stupid vampire", before he lied down on his back next to me.

It had been both a horrible and a great year. The contrasts were enormous, my mood always changing between downright depressed and almost happy. Being a newborn vampire wasn't a stable thing. There were lots of things to be sad about, and whenever I thought of them it would feel like my heart was burning with the pain. But then there would be times when I'd be distracted, like now. The sadness didn't take long to catch up, though.

"I'm going to miss you," I whispered as I stared at the sun. "I'll miss you too, Bella. _A lot_." I grabbed his hand, not caring in the slightest that it was physically uncomfortable. He squeezed mine, obviously not bothered either. "I would've stayed with you forever," he said, and I knew it was true, which is exactly why it might be a good thing that he was forced to go home. "Do you want me to check on Charlie?" he asked, and my pain grew impossibly worse as he said the name. I shook my head. "He'll probably contact you when he finds out you're back. Just tell him the truth: that you came back for Billy, and that I'm still safe." Jacob sighed. "That's not gonna be easy. He's going to ask _a lot_ of questions I can't answer." I nodded, knowing very well that Charlie wouldn't let it go that easily.

We spent the 16-hour drive mostly reminiscing about the previous year. Jacob thought my long list of rage blackouts as a newborn vampire was particularly funny.

"_Every time_ I'd mock you in those first months you'd look like you were going to explode," he said as he laughed. "Remember that time I said something about how I was so much better at hunting than you, and you kicked me into a tree so hard that it broke? I'll never forget that face… Your eyes all red and furious as you snarled at me." I laughed with him, remembering the feeling of complete rage every time he said something that bothered me. "And that time you punched me, and I said you were just like a kitten who thinks it's a tiger. I swear I thought you were going to bite my head off."

"I _was_! I tried to, but you phased just in time to protect yourself. I can't believe how casual you were about provoking a newborn vampire like that," I said, shaking my head in disapproval. "You're not as scary as you think," he said, smiling at me.

I drove slower than usual, but we still reached Seattle way too soon. I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. Neither of us commented on the old and worn missing-person poster we drove by. Most of them had probably been covered by new posters or withered away with the rain.

I parked the car in a secluded parking lot, aware that people might recognize us. "Promise me something," Jacob said after a moment of sad silence. "Anything," I whispered. He turned his head and looked deep into my eyes. "Promise me this won't be the last time I see you," he said through clenched teeth. I nodded, not willing to say the words. I had no idea if that was a promise I could keep. "Not good enough, Bella," he said, seeing right through me. "I promise," I said. I would do everything I could to make that happen, when the time was right.

He wrapped his big arms around my shoulders and hugged me for a long time. I could feel his silent tears on my shoulder. My heart, already broken in so many ways, felt like it was being ripped from my chest. He pulled away from me, but he didn't look away from my eyes. "You're my best friend in the world, Bella," he said and put a hand softly on his chest, right were his heart was. I smiled at him and put my hand over his. "Always." His head fell slightly and he let out a shaky breath. "If I don't leave now…" he started, and I knew what he was going to say. "I know, Jake. Go. Take care of Billy."

I reached behind my seat and grabbed a black bag. "Here," I said, holding it out to him. He looked at it with a confused expression. "It's the money," I said and dropped it in his lap. "No, Bella, I can't take it. _You_ won that, not me." I shook my head at him. "You'll need it. Get Billy the best treatment there is. I kept enough for gas. And anyways, you know I can win all of that back in five minutes if I want to." He sighed and looked at me with appreciation. Then his face went sad again. "Go. I can't say goodbye to you again, Jake." He nodded and opened the door. I listened to his footsteps, but kept my eyes closed. I couldn't watch him walk away.

I stayed there for a while, not sure what to do or where to go. I thought about Charlie, and for a brief second I thought about running to my old house just to watch him through the windows. I was so _close_.

But I knew it would be too hard to leave him if I ever saw him again. I knew I wasn't in as much danger of accidentally killing him anymore, but I still looked like a completely different person and I knew there were people out there who still wanted to see me dead. Also, I wouldn't know what to say to him, how to explain everything – the disappearance, the fact that I looked so different, the eyes, not eating anymore… And then there was the slight problem of a certain wolf-pack that might or might not still want my head on a stick. And Charlie wouldn't be the only one with questions. Everyone in Forks knew my face, they'd all see how different I looked… and which family I now resembled.

I got out of the car then, keeping my head down to hide my face behind my hair, and walked down a few side streets and into the busy main road. I walked, still keeping my head down, until I found the post office. I bought an envelope, a stamp and a piece of paper, and sat down in a seating area in the corner.

Dad,

I'm sorry that I haven't written you in so long, I just didn't know what to say. I just wanted to let you know that I love you, that I miss you and that I'm still safe.

I promise to write again. I hope you're safe and happy, dad. Please let this letter give you some peace of mind. I am truly safe.

Love, Bella.

I quickly folded it and stuffed it into the envelope, and then dropped it into the mailbox outside. I walked quickly back to the car, still scared that I might get recognized.

A scent in the air caught my attention, and my head snapped up. It smelled like _me_, but different. It smelled like a vampire. I turned my head, looking for the source, and my eyes landed on two bright red eyes far down the road. It wasn't anyone I'd ever met or seen before. He was staring at me, probably for the same reason that I was staring at him. Another vampire. He was young, maybe around my age, but tall and beautiful with shining blonde hair.

My thoughts went to Charlie at once, but I knew he was safe with the wolves. I'd playfully fought with Jacob enough times to know that he was able to tear me to pieces if he wanted to, so I knew one vampire was no threat to the pack. Still, as I stared into the red eyes of the stranger, I couldn't help but worry.

I quickly turned my head and continued down the street until I found a payphone. I dialed Jacob's home number, knowing he wasn't home yet, but hoping to catch Billy or Sam. After what felt like an eternity, Sam finally picked up. His voice sent shivers down my spine as I remembered when I'd last heard it. "Sam, it's Bella. I'm in Seattle, I just dropped off Jake, and I wanted to let you know that there's another vampire here."

"Is it someone you recognize?"

"No, I've never seen him before."

"Thank you for the warning."

"No problem," I whispered, and then I hung up. I turned around, but the vampire was nowhere to be seen.

I tried to ease my worries as I walked back to the car, trying very hard not to make this a reason for me to go back. _He's safe_, I repeated in my head, over and over again. I started the engine of Jacob's car and drove away, leaving the rest of my broken heart behind me as I sped down the I-90. My chest felt empty and hollow, not like my heart had stopped beating, but like it was truly and completely gone now.

7 hours later, when I reached Missoula County in Montana, I parked the car and went into the woods to hunt.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13: FINALLY

_7 hours earlier:_

I was sitting down at the docks, looking at the sky with my hand over my heart as I thought about the man whom it still belonged to. _James_.

I was starting to lose hope of ever being granted the sweet relief of the revenge that I longed for, that I _deserved_ – the revenge that those pathetic _dogs_ had made impossible.

"Victoria," I heard Riley's voice call from behind me. I composed my face into a loving smile. "What, dear?" _You annoying little boy_. "I think I saw her," he said, and I felt myself light up with hope. "Who?" I demanded, but I already knew. "It was a vampire girl with golden eyes and long brown hair, like you said. She was _here_, in Seattle. We have to hurry." But I was already running, and he quickly caught up with me. "Where did she go?" I asked, my voice fierce. "She drove down the I-90."

_Finally_.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14 Soundtrack:**

**Kings of Leon – Closer**

**Susanne Sundfør – White Foxes**

CHAPTER 14: CLOSE

I lay in our big beige couch, my head resting on Jasper's lap, and stared out the big windows. I had missed the green forests. I had missed the constant grey cover of clouds. I had missed the mystical atmosphere. I had missed the feeling of being _home_.

But Forks was empty now. I was here, but my mind was elsewhere. I longed to be out, to be running and driving and searching. But I was to stay put, where I could focus on my non-existent visions and wait in case she showed up. _Come back, Bella_.

I was focused on Edward's future, as I had been for the last hours, searching with him in my mind. I saw that he would soon knock on the door to the apartment of an Isabella Swan and once again be heartbroken and disappointed by the person who would open the door.

The phone rang, and it was at my ear before the first ring was over. "What?" I said, eager to hear any news. The voice that answered surprised me, and I shot up on the couch. "Uhm… is this the Cullens?" _Jacob Black_. "Yes! _Where_ are you?"

Edward had almost gotten himself killed by the pack of wolves in La Push, but at least our visit had given us information. The sight of us was enough to inspire the thoughts that explained everything. Edward had seen Laurent bite Bella through the mind of the pack. He had seen her burn and transform, and he had seen how Jacob had gone after her and disappeared as well. No one knew where they were, and no one knew how to contact them. But it had also explained something else: I couldn't _see_ the wolves. Their futures were blank, and so were ours when we were around them.

"I'm home… listen, Billy told me you guys left a number with Sam in case they got any information," but I interrupted him. I already knew that. "_Where's Bella_?" I practically screamed at him. "She's… not here. I'm not sure exactly where she is right now, she dropped me off in Seattle this morning." My heart sank. "This _morning_? Why didn't you call sooner?"

"Hey, it's not like I owe you a damn thing. I only called to tell you that she's okay and… Honestly I don't know why I called. Maybe I just… Well, I know that Bella would want to know if you guys were back, and –" but I interrupted again. "Exactly how long has it been since Bella dropped you off in Seattle?" I asked, already on my way into the car. Jasper sat down in the driver's seat. "I don't know, maybe 7 or 8 hours – " I hung up the phone.

Jasper started driving down the winding road. I dialed Edward's number, and he answered it on the first beep, just as eager for news as me. "Jacob is home, he just called. Bella was in Seattle 7 or 8 hours ago, but he doesn't know where she went. Where are you?"

"Salem," he answered, and I could hear that he was already in his car and speeding down the road.

"We'll try going north, you can try the I-84 and I'll try to see where she is. I'll text you if I get anything."

I hung up and closed my eyes. It was harder than it should be, but _finally_, I made a vision appear. "I can see trees… she's in a _forest_," I moaned. There were no street signs in forests. "Calm down Alice, we'll find her. Just relax." But I couldn't. She was too hard to see, much harder than when she was human. I was only getting small glimpses. "She's so hard to _see_," I whispered. "Why?" Jasper asked, confused. Seeing vampires was usually very easy for me. "Because I've never met her," I whispered as the realization hit me. I had only met Bella as a human. She was changed now, different, and I'd never met her in that life.

I closed my eyes again and focused. I could still get small glimpses of the forest, and then I realized with horror that she was being followed by someone I knew very well meant her nothing but harm. "Victoria," I whispered. I focused on her instead, as her future was much easier to see. "What? Alice what did you see?" Jasper asked in a frantic voice. "Victoria is with her," I said in a far-away voice as I watched it all happen a few seconds before it actually did.

_Victoria runs through the forest, following the still familiar scent of the girl she's been hunting for over a year. She sees her suddenly, where she stands very still a few feet away. Her face shows surprise as she realizes who was following her, and then it goes blank for a second before her lips curl up into a smile. She's not scared. Victoria's smile falters. She crouches down, ready to attack, but Bella is still standing very still and upright. Even as she smiles, her face seems vicious somehow. Victoria lets a snarl escape her lips. She wants to scare her, and it annoys her that it's not working. _

_Riley reaches them, and stops by Victoria's side. Bella's face light up in recognition, but even outnumbered she still seems calm. Victoria takes one deliberate step towards her. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," Bella says in a humorous voice. "Trust me, there's nothing I want more than this," Victoria says, almost snarling the words. She takes another step towards her and watches as Bella reach out her hand like she wants to greet her. Then her hand clenches into a fist, and Victoria screams out in pain as invisible hands crush one of her arms. _

_Bella's vicious smile grows. "Told you," she says. Riley growls at her, and she turns her attention to him. "You want to try too?" she asks. Riley hesitates, and just as his foot leaves the ground as he's about to spring at her, Bella curves one of her fingers and his hand shoots up to his mouth as his two front teeth are ripped out. They land in Bella's waiting hand. _

_Victoria screams out in pain and anger, and she runs toward her, ignoring how the invisible arm keeps smashing her arm. But just as she's about to reach her, Bella lifts her other arm, palm forward, and Victoria stops like someone's pushing her back. She tries to fight it, but she's struggling to move. Riley starts running forward, and Bella's eyes shift to him. The invisible hand that is holding Victoria back weakens as Bella's focus shifts, and Victoria, though still struggling, is moving closer. Riley also seems to be struggling to move, like an invisible shield is holding them both back, and Bella looks to be having trouble as well. Her brows are furrowed and her jaw is clenched. _

_Victoria sees Bella's concentration lapse as all three realize at the same time that they are not alone. Victoria grabs the opportunity and manages to break through the invisible shield. She jumps at Bella, but she moves away just in time. They dance around each other, but Victoria is faster and better, and she can see that she is going to win. Something catches her attention, and she turns to see Riley in a fight with what appears to be a little vampire girl. _

_She turns her focus back to Bella, who reaches out her hand and pulls out her front teeth, just as she did with Riley, with those invisible hands. Victoria growls in pain and anger and continues the deadly dance. She can hear strange and loud sounds somewhere behind her, the sound of a vampire being torn to pieces, and she smiles. Finally, she manages to get her good arm around Bella, who tries to fight her off. "Goodbye, Isabella Swan," she whispers in her ear, but just then, someone jumps up on her back, and just as she feels their arms curl around her head, she turns to see Riley's body in pieces on the ground behind her. "No," she whispers in shock as she realizes she is outnumbered, and then everything goes black. _

I opened my eyes slowly. "What happened?" Jasper asked, looking at me with worried eyes. "Victoria is dead," I whispered, still in shock. "She is? Bella won?" I could see the surprise and relief wash over him, but I was too confused to really feel it myself. "It was so strange, Jasper. She was outnumbered; Victoria had someone with her. But she… she reached out her hand and crushed Victoria's arm, without even touching her," I said, unable to believe what I'd seen. "And then she did something with her finger and their teeth flew out of their mouths," I continued. I looked up at Jasper, who was staring back with furrowed brows. "And then someone else came, a little girl. She killed Victoria's friend and just as Victoria was about to kill Bella, she killed her too." I picked up my phone and dialed Edward's number.

"Did you see anything?"

"Yes. She's in a forest, but I don't know where. Victoria was following her, but Bella had help and they killed her. I think she's safe now."

"_What_? Alice, _where_ is she?"

"I don't know, Edward. But as soon as she's out of the forest I think I'll be able to see. It's not easy though, I can just barely get small glimpses of what she's going to do. I had to watch through Victoria before."

"Where are you?"

"We're driving through Port Angeles now."

"Please… just try to see where she is."

"I will. Bye."

I closed my eyes again and focused. _Come on, Bella. Show me something_. Nothing came. I focused harder. I could see a brief flash of two faces: the girl I had seen kill Victoria and a young woman. Then the vision slipped away and my mind went blank. "Did you see anything?" Jasper asked. "Just two faces: a girl and a woman, both vampires," I said. "Where are we going?" Jasper asked and looked at me. He looked worried, just like me. "We'll go north, as planned, and Edward will try the I-84." Jasper took my hand in his and squeezed it. "We'll find her Alice. We will get her back."

I nodded and tried to feel hopeful as I closed my eyes and tried to force another vision to appear. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. _Very_ wrong.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15 Soundtrack:**

**Kristen Barry – Ordinary Life**

**I don't even know if anyone's reading this story, but even so: here's a link to a livejournal with pictures of the characters and information etc. For this chapter you should look at the entry called Closer – Characters, not the one above. Link: newmoonff . livejournal . com (just remove the spaces, I had to add them for the link to appear).**

CHAPTER 15: STRANGERS

I looked, astonished, into the red eyes of the little girl in front of me – the little girl who had just saved my life. Then I looked down at the body by my feet. Victoria's hair was spread around her severed head in a big circle of red. I turned around and looked at the stranger who had been with her, the same man I'd seen in Seattle. "We should probably burn those, unless you want them coming after you again," the girl said in a light singsong voice. "How… " I started, unable to find the right words. The little girl didn't say anything else. She started gathering the pieces of the two bodies in a pile, and I watched as she lit it on fire and walked over to me. She stood beside me and we watched as the purple flames licked at their skin and their bodies withered away.

When there was nothing left but white ash – it looked almost like snow – she looked up at me and reached out her hand. I hesitantly took it, deciding I had no reason not to trust her as she had just saved my life, and followed her as she led me through the forest.

Half an hour later, she slowed down her pace. I could hear water running near by. She led me through an opening in the trees, and a beautiful sight greeted me. It was a crystal clear lake and a small waterfall that ran into it. A nude woman with beautiful light blonde hair sat on one of the rocks by the water. She turned her head and smiled at us. She seemed pleasantly surprised when her eyes landed on me, but I got the feeling she already knew I was coming. Her face too was beautiful, and I realized she looked very much alike the girl next to me. They both had blonde hair and heart-shaped faces that had the same innocent quality, even with their blood-red eyes.

"Who's your friend?" she asked and looked at the little girl who was still holding my hand. She didn't answer her, and I looked down at her in confusion. She was staring into the woman's eyes, like they were having a silent conversation. "I see," the woman said after a moment, like the girl had just explained everything to her. "Are you a mind reader?" I asked the woman before I could stop myself. She smiled brightly at me. "No, but good guess. Actually, Violet is just the opposite." I looked down at the little girl holding my hand, Violet, and suddenly there was a voice in my head that wasn't my own. _Nice to meet you_, it said in the same singsong voice I'd heard her speak in earlier. I inhaled loudly in amazement, and they both laughed. She was still holding my hand and pulled me with her to the lake.

I sat down on one of the rocks, trying to keep my eyes away from the beautiful young woman, as she was still naked. "I'm Sophia," she said and reached out her hand. "Isabella," I said and shook it. I pulled off my shoes to dip my feet in the water. It felt warm against my skin. "Violet tells me you were in a fight," she said, and then the voice appeared in my head again. _You crushed her arm, and then you pulled out their teeth_, it said. "Yes," I whispered. "I've never done that before, I've never tried that on people." It was quiet for a moment, and I wondered if they were having a silent conversation.

"Telekinesis", Sophia, the older one, suddenly said. "What?" I asked. "Telekinesis. Mind over matter. You can move things with your mind. How does it work?" she asked. I looked up at her, confused by the unfamiliar word she'd used. "I can move things, like you said. It's harder with big things, and it's easier if I'm angry," I said, remembering how I'd felt when I'd seen Victoria. It was like my vision had turned red with the anger, and my invisible arms had never been so easy to control. I never knew I was capable of such violence. A shudder ran through me at the thought.

"I think of it like having invisible hands," I added. Sophia was smiling sweetly at me. "Can you show us?" she asked. I nodded and turned my attention to a rock at the bottom of the lake. I focused on it and reached out my hand, then lifted it up. It broke through the surface and hovered in the air in front of us. Then I lowered my arm and let it drop again. "Can you do it with the water?" she asked. "I'm not sure… I've never tried." I focused on the small waterfall and reached out my hand again. Then I moved my hand to the left, imagining that I was pushing the water. Slowly the waterfall changed direction. Then I let it run freely again and gathered my hands in a cup-shape, and to my amazement the waterfall stopped hitting the surface of the lake and started collecting in the air, like there was a big invisible bowl there. "Wow," I whispered and let my hands drop. Violet started clapping and I let out a shaky laugh.

"You're very talented, Isabella," Sophia said, smiling brightly at me. "Telekinesis is a very rare gift. I imagine you had a very strong mind as a human," she said. "Do you know a lot about these things?" I asked. "I know some. But I know someone who knows a lot more, and I think she would like to meet you. What do you think, Violet?" she asked and looked at the girl. She nodded eagerly.

"Isabella, would you like to come with us?" Sophia asked. I was a little taken aback by the question. "Come where?" I asked. "To vampire-heaven," she said and winked at me. "Define vampire-heaven," I said skeptically. "A place where you are in the company of other talented vampires, a place where you can be yourself, and where there's people who can train you and make you more powerful than you ever imagined."

"And where is this place?" I asked. "Michigan." _It's beautiful_, Violet's voice sang in my head. "Okay…" I said, still a bit hesitant. _What else is there to do? Where else are you going to go? _I thought and realized the answer was nothing and nowhere. "You guys want a lift?" I asked, and they looked at each other and smiled in satisfaction.

And then, I suddenly found myself driving across the country with two strangers. Two _vampire_ strangers at that.

"Violet?" I asked and turned my head to look at the little girl sitting behind me. _Yes?_ A voice answered in my head. That was going to take some time getting used to. "How did you find me? When you saved me, how did that happen?" She answered telepathically again. _I was hunting for hikers while Sophia took a bath in the lake, and then I smelled you. I was curious, so I followed the scent. Then I saw what you did, that you were talented. I wanted to save you so I could show you to my sister_. "Your sister?" I repeated, and Sophia was the one who answered. "Yes, we're twins," she said and sent Violet a loving smile over her shoulder. "How is that possible?" I asked, as they were clearly years apart. "Violet was created first. She was alone for many years until Catherine found her. Violet was 12 when she was created, and she came back 8 years later so that I could join her." I thought about that for a while, looking at the two similar faces and imagining them as two human girls of the same age. "That's amazing," I whispered in fascination.

"Who's Catherine?" I asked. "Catherine is the woman I will introduce you to when we reach Michigan," Sophia answered with a hint of admiration in her voice. "Catherine is the leader of a very powerful society of vampires. She creates most of her vampires herself from a group of volunteering humans that all dream about becoming a part of her family," she said. "Volunteering humans? You mean the humans know she's a vampire?" I asked. "Yes, but only a small trustworthy handful," she said. "It's easier to explain once we're there."

"But aren't they afraid?" I asked, thinking about the humans who knowingly spent time with vampires. Surely, they must've known what their diet consisted of. "Maybe, maybe not. But they know they're safe. Catherine doesn't allow hunting in Michigan," Sophia answered.

We were quiet for a while then. I was lost in thought, wondering what I was getting myself into. It had all happened so fast. The curiosity was much stronger than any other emotion I felt, though. I cared very little about my life and whether or not I was getting myself into trouble. At least trouble was something other than the dark and lonely forests.

"Violet is wondering about your eyes," Sophia said, pulling me from my dark thoughts. "Oh, that. They're golden instead of red because I don't drink human blood," I said. I saw Violets brows furrow in my rear view mirror and Sophia's head snapped in my direction. "You don't drink human blood?" she asked, astonished. "I'm a vegetarian," I said sheepishly, using the same word that someone had once used when they were explaining it to me. "I only drink the blood of animals." They were both looking at me like I was crazy. Violets brows were still furrowed and Sophia's eyes were wide and staring. Then Sophia suddenly laughed and shook her head. "Violet says she wants to try," she said and turned to smile at her little sister. I caught her gaze in the mirror and smiled at her. "I'll take you hunting sometime," I promised. She smiled back and nodded.

We were all silent for a few hours. Every now and then I saw Sophia smile for no apparent reason in my peripheral vision, and I suspected that Violet was talking to her telepathically. _One in fifty my ass_, I thought to myself, thinking about all the vampires I'd met that had extra abilities. I thought about the other vampires out there, the ones I'd meet and the ones I never would, and what kind of abilities some of them might have.

I decided to voice my questions, as I seemed to be in company of people who knew more about it than me. "Having special abilities_ is_ rare," Sophia answered. "If you look at the vampire population as a whole, most of them are ordinary. Of course, we all have talents. Some are more intelligent, some are good at tracking, some are manipulative, some are artistic and some are very charismatic. Catherine, she… collects, I suppose is the right word, the extraordinary ones. Whether that's someone intelligent and beautiful, like myself," she smiled and winked at me, "or if it's someone with a special ability."

"But why? What does she need them for?" I asked. "Isabella, all of these questions will be answered, but I don't feel comfortable being the one who answers them." The corners of her mouth were still turned up in a peaceful smile.

_Catherine needs the talented vampires for many reasons_, Violet's voice said, suddenly appearing in my mind and interrupting my own thoughts. _Some of them work for her, either in her research or in business, and some of them are for protection_. I didn't react to her words or answer her. I didn't want to rat her out for saying more than she should.

"You are very beautiful, Isabella," Sophia said, her face turned towards me as she studied my face. "Thank you," I answered, thinking about how my cheeks would turn red if I was still human. "But there's a sadness in your eyes. Even when you smile, there's darkness there in the depths of them. It's familiar to me; it's something I sometimes see in vampires who have lived too long – who have seen it all and then some. How old are you, Isabella?" I blinked a few times in surprise at her assessments. I looked into her eyes, sweet and kind, even in that dark red color. "I've been immortal for a year," I answered. Her eyebrows shot up, and then they fell into a frown.

"So young, and still you look so tired. Is it the strange diet that kills your spirit?" She asked and cocked her head. I let out a strange humorless laugh. "No. On the contrary, my diet is one of the few things that makes life bearable for me." I could see in the rearview mirror that Violet's eyes were on my face, and she looked just as confused as Sophia. "How so?" she asked, still looking at my face. I kept my eyes on the road, though it was unnecessary. I could've looked at Sophia's face the entire time and still seen enough in my peripheral vision to not drive off the road. Their confused stares, from those strange and innocent red eyes, made me feel a little uncomfortable.

"When I was human, I knew… and loved… a family of vampires who only fed on animal blood," I said with a dead voice. My heart didn't ache; it was more like the empty hole where it should be grew deeper and wider, making me feel hollow. "They left when I was still human, but I still loved them very much, like family. When I was bitten, I already knew I didn't have to drink human blood – I knew there was another way. I also knew that not drinking human blood was something that gave them more peace, something that made them stronger as a family. I wanted that too; to turn the situation into something… something I could live with."

It was quiet for a while as they thought about my words. Violet was still staring at me in the mirror, now with a blank expression. I had no idea what she was thinking – she was impossible to read. "So you feel compassion for the humans?" Sophia asked. "You don't?" I asked back, but not incredulously. Somehow I already had the impression that they thought of humans the same way humans think of cows – like food. "I did at first, I suppose, but the thirst and instincts are too strong. A lion may feel compassion for it's prey, or it may not, but that wouldn't keep it from eating it. I've never heard of a lion starving itself on grass," Sophia said, her face and voice thoughtful. "No, but animals are driven by instincts alone, and I'm not. And who mourns over the dead buffalo? Most likely, no one. Who mourns over the dead human man? His whole family." I looked at her, and her face looked a little stunned. Then it broke into a smile and she let out a humorous laugh. "Oh, you are just the strangest little thing," she said, shaking her head a little and still smiling. I realized then that she had a slight southern accent. Violet's face was expressionless in the mirror.

The clouds suddenly parted, and the sun shone though the windows. It felt warm on my skin, which was now sparkling beautifully. I looked at Sophia, her red eyes shining and the pale skin on her heart-shaped face sparkling, framed by long blonde hair. Behind her in the backseat was the younger version of her, equally as beautiful.

Many hours later, when the sun had set and then risen again, we reached Michigan. Sophia directed me, and we were deep in the forest, driving down narrow rocky roads that seemed to lead nowhere.

The forest got thicker and thicker as we drove until I suddenly saw an opening far ahead. It was a big oval shape, framed by the tall green trees. It reminded me of the meadow, but it was bigger and very obviously not natural. Someone had made it that way for a purpose, and that purpose was right in the middle of it – a small one-story building. It was grey and very unexceptional, expect for the strange location. As we drove closer, I could see more of the open space, and realized there were several cars parked along by the edge. This confused me, as the building looked too small to accommodate more than a few people.

I parked next to the other cars and turned off the engine. I suddenly felt very nervous. Violet jumped out of the car and started walking towards the building, but Sophia stayed in the car with me. "Are you ready?" she asked and smiled. "Uhm, no, not really." She laughed and got out of the car, waving with her arm for me to come with her. I slowly opened my door and got out, and then I turned and looked at the very small yet intimidating building. Something about it just seemed so… uninviting.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16 Soundtrack:**

**The Coasters – Down In Mexico**

**Sohodolls – My Vampire**

**Sohodolls – Stripper**

**Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love**

CHAPTER 16: ROUGE

Sophia grabbed my hand and dragged me along towards the small grey building. The roof was flat and there were no windows, making it look very box-like. There was only a door, big and in the same dark grey color as the walls. Next to it stood a man, pale with red eyes. He looked at me with curiosity, and then his eyes shifted to Sophia and he smiled. Even though his features were perfect, he looked unattractive to me. He looked creepy, even for a vampire, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Sophia smiled and nodded at him, but they didn't exchange any words. There was a big combination lock next to the door and I heard Sophia enter 11 numbers, but she blocked my view with her back. Then she seemed to press her fingertips against something, and I heard a click and then a long beep. She opened the door and held it open for me.

We walked in, and I was immediately surprised by the warmth and loveliness of the room. I'd expected something cold and grey, like the outside of the building, but this was the complete opposite. The walls were warm beige, and each corner of the room was decorated with thick ruby curtains. There were huge paintings on the walls, mostly landscapes, working as a substitute for the lack of windows. Chairs and sofas were placed in small groups with round tables in the middle, and some of them were placed in front of a big fireplace. There was a huge chandelier hanging from the middle of the roof, filling the room with a dim, romantic light. Old-fashioned music flowed through the room from invisible speakers, adding to the warm and mysterious atmosphere.

There were only a few people there, two human men sipping scotch in the cozy armchairs in front of the fireplace, and a vampire woman standing behind a bar at the other end of the room from us. The scent from the human men, who were now looking at us, burned my throat. Their eyes shifted between Sophia and me as they eyed us with pleased expressions. I couldn't see Violet anywhere in the room, and I noticed an elevator to my right. It was then that I realized this was probably not a small, boxlike building as I had first thought. It was most likely big, only not in height, but in depth.

Sophia started walking towards the bar, and I followed her. It was an oval-shaped bar made of dark auburn wood. Bottles of liquor were placed neatly on shelves behind the bartender. She looked at us with a warm and welcoming smile. "Sophia," she said in pleasant surprise. "I wasn't expecting you back so early." She had black, smooth hair that ran down her back and was wearing a dress that matched it. Her eyes were red and her skin was pale, and she looked beautiful in a very sexy way, unlike Sophia who looked more angel-like.

Sophia walked over to her, her hips swaying under the fabric of her white dress. She jumped gracefully up on a stool by the bar, and I followed suit. "I know, but we picked something up on the way, and I couldn't wait to show Catherine," she said and looked at me with a lovely smile. I saw the bartender's eyes shift to me in my peripheral vision and looked at her. "Nice to meet you. I'm Vanessa," she said and reached out her hand. "Isabella," I said and shook it. She gave me a sly crooked smile, an opposite to Sophia's wide and bright one. "Welcome to Rouge, Isabella."

"So, what can I get you lovely ladies?" Vanessa asked. "A glass of red, please," Sophia answered and smiled in anticipation. I felt my eyes widen in surprise. _A glass of what now_? Vanessa reached her hands under the bar, but it was too wide for me to see what was down there. Her hands quickly returned with two glasses and a big bottle that was covered in black silk. The word "red" was written on it in, not surprisingly, red letters. I watched, still too shocked to speak, as she poured a strange looking liquid into the glasses. It had a bright red color, it almost looked like it was glowing, and it was slightly thicker than water, but not as thick as blood. I inhaled, and my throat burned, equally as much from the humans behind me as from the red drinks. The smell of blood coming from the glasses was mixed with something else, an unfamiliar scent. Had it been pure human blood I would've swallowed the glass whole without being able to stop myself. Vanessa slid one of the glasses into Sophia's waiting hand and the other one towards me. She was looking at me curiously, and I didn't know if it was because of my expression, the color of my eyes or just the fact that I was here at all.

"What the _hell_ is that?" I asked, my brain-filter not entirely working. Sophia took a sip and then smiled at me as she took in my expression. Her teeth were covered in a thin layer of red. "Try it," she said and took another sip. She closed her eyes and hummed in satisfaction. "You know I don't drink human blood," I said, and I saw Vanessa raise an eyebrow in my peripheral vision. "Yes, but this blood was given voluntarily. No human lives were sacrificed," she said matter-of-factly and shrugged. "What, you've got your own little blood-bank down there?" I said, nodding towards the elevator behind us. Sophia let out a bright humorous laugh, and I heard Vanessa giggle a little. "Something like that," she said. Vanessa leaned towards me, resting her elbows on the bar counter, and I looked at her. "It's a _very_ special recipe. It took our bright little scientists a long time to get it right. You should try it," she said in a seductive voice, inching the glass closer to me with her finger.

It was almost comical how much the situation seemed like peer pressure at a party, where all the cool girls are trying to get the innocent newcomer to drink alcohol. I looked at Sophia again, but I found no answers there. Her eyes were red, and I knew she had no respect for human life. "My young Isabella, I promise you, this blood was not taken by force. They volunteer. It's their way to pay us back for our services, and they do so gladly," she said. I kept looking into her eyes, and I knew that mine would look just like hers if I picked up that glass and drank it. Red like blood. "I'm sorry, but no thank you," I said politely. "Are you sure? It's intoxicating. Maybe even better than normal human blood," she said. I shook my head. Vanessa shrugged and took the glass in her hand, then tossed it back in her mouth and put it back down empty. I watched as she closed her eyes and smiled in satisfaction. When she opened them, they were slightly glazed over, and it reminded me of some the human memories I'd clung to, even bad as they was – René when she was starting to get drunk.

Sophia finished her drink in one big gulp and then got up from her stool. "We should get going," she said. "Is Catherine in her office?" Vanessa nodded at her, and then looked at me, now curiously again. Sophia grabbed my hand, and I jumped off my stool to follow her. "See you later, Sophia. Isabella," Vanessa said and smiled at us. I looked at her over my shoulder and waved goodbye, and Sophia blew her a kiss.

We walked over to the elevator, and I felt nervous again. There was a big code lock next to the elevator, like the one by the front door, and I watched as Sophia entered the code – 66547346234 – and the doors opened. We walked in, and as the doors closed behind us, the music was shut out and the warm atmosphere of the bar was gone. There were 16 buttons, and Sophia pressed the one that said L7. I felt the elevator drop far down into the ground, and ten seconds later it stopped, and the doors opened with a pling.

This room was smaller than the bar, but decorated in the same style. The walls were of dark wood, with one closed door on each side of the room. At the wall opposite of us was a large landscape painting with dark green curtains hanging at both sides like it was a window. In front of it was a big old-fashioned desk of dark brown wood and a black leather chair.

But only a small part of my brain was noticing these things. Nine sets of red eyes were staring at us. The room had been filled with the sound of several conversations, which had stopped when their eyes landed on me. No one said anything for a few seconds until a woman's voice broke the silence. "Sophia, darling, I'm so happy to see you back. And you brought a friend," she said in a happy voice and walked over to us. She kissed Sophia on both cheeks before shifting her gaze to me. She was such a strange sight; I had to concentrate to keep my eyes from widening. Her skin was paler than mine, white even in the dim light, and there was something chalk-like about it. She was wearing a snug white dress with long sleeves, it was almost the same color as her skin, and her hair was long and pitch black. Her lips were painted red, the same color as her eyes. White, black and red – it was almost startling.

"I'm Catherine," she said and reached out her hand. I shook it and introduced myself as I forced a smile, which was quite an accomplishment. I noticed that her skin was slightly colder than mine. Her gaze briefly shifted to Sophia before she turned around towards the others in the room, who were all still staring. "I'm so sorry to have to break up this lovely party, but I will join you all downstairs later if you would be so kind and leave us for a few moments," she said, and everyone started moving towards the elevator at once, smiling and nodding respectfully at her as they passed. Sophia took my hand in hers again and we moved out of the way. Then the elevator doors closed them in and carried them away.

When we were alone, Catherine walked over to her desk and sat down in the leather chair, leaning back and looking at me with a curious expression. "Your eyes," she said with wonder. I looked at Sophia, feeling almost unsure if I was allowed to speak or not. Catherine's authority seemed to radiate from her whole body, making me feel insecure. Sophia smiled brightly at me, and I turned my gaze back to Catherine. "I only drink animal blood," I answered, and she raised an eyebrow curiously. "She feels compassion for the humans. She doesn't want to kill them," Sophia said. Catherine smiled at me, and it made me think of a mother smiling to a child who had just asked if Santa is real.

She looked at Sophia and held out her hand towards me, as if asking what I was doing there. "Violet found Isabella in the woods, fighting with a man and a woman. She saw that she had a special ability – that she could rip out their teeth's and crush the woman's arm with just her mind, and so she saved her because she wanted to show her to me. I thought maybe you wanted to meet her," she said and sent me a huge grin. I smiled back, it was impossible not to. There was something about her that reminded me of Jacob, the way he was always so happy and at peace.

"Show me," Catherine ordered, and I was slightly offended. "Why?" I asked, probably rudely, as I was after all in her home, or so I assumed. But who was she to order me around? I didn't work for her. She raised an eyebrow at me. "Excuse me?" she said, taken aback by my tone. I decided to play nice and without having to lift or move my hands I made the pen in front of her move up from the desk. I let it float around in the air a little, and then I lowered it back down.

Strangely enough, I was feeling a little bored. The situation was nothing but boring, but I could feel that hollowness in me that Sophia had noticed in my eyes. I remembered what she had said, that I looked like I had lived too long and seen too much. It was exactly how I felt.

"Okay, now it's your turn," I said, looking straight into her eyes. "My turn to what?" she asked, and although she was keeping her tone light, I could tell I was annoying her. "To answer questions. How come you have humans here?" She looked briefly at Sophia before answering, who was sending me pointed stares, probably disapproving of my audacity. "For many reasons. I give them favors, and they return them," she answered simply. "What are the limitations to your power?" she asked. "If something's heavy, it's harder to lift and control. I just recently discovered I could do it, so I haven't explored it that much," I answered. She nodded thoughtfully. "This building, this… society, what is the purpose of it?" I asked. "That's not an easy question to answer." She said. "Power, rebellion, money… I've been alive for a very long time, Isabella. I wanted to spice things up a bit," she said, smiling slyly.

"Rebellion?" I asked, but she waved a finger with a "tsk tsk". "My turn. Have you lived with other vampires before?" The question made the empty hole in my chest fill my thoughts, and I could see her eyes turn curious as I felt my face go empty. "I knew a family of vampires when I was human, I had a relationship with one of them, but they left before I was bitten," I said, keeping my voice empty of emotions. "You had a relationship with a vampire while you were still human?" she asked, but I gave her that same sly smile she had given me earlier. _No dice_. "What did you mean by rebellion?" I asked, ignoring her question. "Do you know the Volturi?" she asked, and I nodded. "Well, then I'm sure you know that letting humans know what we are, interacting with them the way we do here, is "illegal"." I could hear the quotation marks in her tone. "But I can't remember voting them kings and queens of our world, so I decided to ignore that. With the help of humans, I have managed to create something extraordinary here – a place where humans and vampires can enjoy each other's company and exchange favors."

"And the Volturi just accept that?" I asked. "Isabella," she said, leaning towards me, "they have no idea we exist."

The room went quiet for a moment as I absorbed her words. "Of course, I have met them before," she continued, "So they do know me. But if they ever decided to look me up again, using their talented little tracker Demetri, they wouldn't be able to," she said with a clever smile on her lips. "I don't understand," I said, furrowing my brows as I realized I'd missed something. "Demetri, you don't know him?" She asked, and I shook my head. "He's a talented little fucker all right," she said. "He picks up the essence of someone's mind and then he can follow it over any distance and hunt them down. I'd love to have him on my team, but asking would be too risky, so I found a weapon of my own instead – Claire," she said, still with that clever smile. We were done with taking turns to answer now. "I was very pleased when I found her. She is by far the most talented shield I've ever met," she continued. I was still confused. _Claire? Shield_? "Isabella is only a year old, she's not very experienced. I think you'll have to explain," Sophia said, smiling brightly again now that the tone of the conversation was lighter. Catherine's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You're young? I never would've guessed," she said, looking at me curiously. Sophia giggled a bit.

"A shield can work in many ways," she started. "Some shields can only block out attacks to their own minds, and some are more powerful and can be extracted. Claire can block out _any_ vampire's powers so that they don't work on her at all, although I'm not sure how it would work with you. Your power is in your mind but it is also very physical. Anyways, Claire can extract her shield so that she can block out attacks for those around her as well. She is now so powerful that she can keep it constantly wrapped around this whole building without even concentrating. It took a long time of training to perfect it," she said, obviously very pleased by these facts. "So Demetri wouldn't be able to find you, because Claire is shielding all of us?" I asked. One part of my mind was feeling sorry for the vampire girl, Claire, as it became obvious she was most likely not allowed to ever leave. Catherine nodded, and Sophia continued her explanation. "When you're inside the shield, your powers only work within it. When you're outside, your powers will no longer work on those who are still in here. So you see, the only way Demetri could find us was if he was actually in the building," she said and smiled at me, then at Catherine.

"Now that I have been polite and answered your questions, Isabella, would you grant me the same courtesy?" Catherine asked, cocking her head to the side a bit and smiling at me. "Yes," I answered, although I didn't understand what more she would want to know. "Could you please tell me about your life? I would very much like to hear the story," she said. I was a little taken aback, but quickly recovered. "You want to know everything? I think that will be an extremely boring story," I said.

I wondered for a second if I'd be able to even tell the it without breaking down completely, but then I realized that probably wouldn't happen. The pain had been replaced by that empty hollow feeling. The hollowness was in its own way painful, but it was like a headache that you've had for so long that you rarely even notice it anymore, and talking about it didn't really make it worse. And so I gave her the true and honest summary of my life – living in Phoenix, moving to Forks because of my drunken mother, living with my father, meeting Edward and his family, falling in love with him, being left behind, becoming friends with Jacob, being bitten, living in the woods, learning to resist human blood, going to Vegas, leaving Jacob in Seattle, Victoria – The story of my life, told in a dead emotionless voice in four long minutes.

When I was finished, they were both quiet for a moment. "Your werewolf friend, Jacob, he can shift to wolf-form without a full moon?" Catherine asked curiously. "Yes," I answered. Her curiosity frightened me. "But I'm telling you right now, if you try to find them they _will_ kill you, and I'll be by their side, helping them do so," I said with a low voice as cold as ice. Catherine let out a humorous laugh. "Oh, you are special, aren't you? I can assure you, I have no interest in your werewolf friends, I was merely curious," she said. "They're not werewolves, they're shape shifters," I said, more calm now. "I see," Catherine said in a thoughtful voice.

"You've had a very interesting life, Isabella, and I'm sure it will continue that way. I would very much like for you to stay, but that will be your choice, of course," she said and smiled, but I got the feeling it wasn't quite that easy. "And what happens if I leave? Am I allowed to walk out of here, knowing what I do?" I asked. "If you decide to leave and never come back, I will have one of the talented members of my family erase your most resent memory," she said, taking me by surprise with all the cards she had up her sleeve. "If you decide to become one of us, you are of course allowed to come and go as you like," she said. "But don't ever threaten me again, Isabella," she added, still smiling. I nodded.

I thought about Sophia and Violet, and how I'd met them far away from here. They both seemed pleased with the arrangement, or whatever it was, that they had with Catherine. In fact, they both talked about her and looked at her with admiration. Then I thought about myself, and my options. Option one: walk away, let them erase my memory, and leave to do God knows what. Live in the forest maybe. Lie down somewhere and wait for a death that will never come. Go back to Vegas and win so many rounds of Roulette they will eventually have to arrest me.

Option two: say yes to this strange offer and find out what this life has to offer. I had a feeling it was shady and dark and illegal, but why should I care? What was my life? I was empty. I was too empty to even care.

"Can I ask one more question?" Catherine smiled. She knew she had me. "Yes," she answered. "Why do you want me?" I asked. That made her smile widen. "Two reasons. I have a built in lie-detector," she said, tapping her head with her index finger, "and even though I am a complete stranger who have asked you several personal questions, you have not told me a single lie. Not even a half-lie." I felt my eyes widen in surprise as she pulled yet another card out her sleeve, and I was relieved I had passed the test I didn't know about. "That's the first one. The second one is that I'm curious about your power, and I want you to have the opportunity to be properly trained. You can become very powerful here, Isabella," she said.

I sighed, knowing she saw more potential in me than I had. "I feel like I should tell you, or warn you perhaps, that I have no interest in power or money. All I'm looking for is a way to pass the time. My heart was broken when I was transformed, and I am frozen in that state forever. I'm no fun to be around, I'm not intelligent or talented, other than being able to lift things with my mind, which rarely comes in handy," I told her, knowing now that keeping secrets in this place was impossible anyways. "I'm empty; I'm just a shell. If there was a way to become human again, I would do it, no matter what it was," I finished in a low voice. At the last sentence she lifted an eyebrow.

She was quiet for a few seconds, looking into my eyes. "Isabella, if I wasn't sold before I certainly am now. You are by far one of the most strange vampires I've ever met," she said. Sophia let at a happy squeal and grabbed my shoulders. "I know, she's great isn't she?" she said, looking at me with a huge grin. "Come Catherine, let's show her around," she said, and Catherine smiled brightly at her and got up from her chair.

We took the elevator to L9, and when the doors opened music flowed in and spotlights suddenly danced over my face. We walked into what appeared to be a nightclub. I let Catherine and Sophia lead the way, walking slowly behind them and looking around. The bar was a big square in the middle of the room, with bartenders moving at vampire speed as they professionally took people's orders and mixed drinks. The humans that sat at the stools by the bar watched them with big eyes, but none of them looked frightened.

Most eyes were not on the bartenders though, because the bar worked as a stage as well, and on it were almost nude women who were dancing slowly to the creepy music. I watched as one of the strippers grabbed a pole and swung her body around it, at vampire speed at first, and then slowing down as her body lowered down to the bar-top. They were moving so strangely, sometimes too fast for human eyes and then sometimes slowly. I found it hard to keep my eyes away, much like the human men who stared with intoxicated eyes.

Catherine and Sophia walked over to a booth in a dark corner of the room, and I was surprised to see Violet sitting there, looking bored and sipping a glass of Red. There were other vampires sitting with her, a blonde woman and a man with black hair. The latter caught my attention. He had such a strange face; it looked old and young at the same time. His skin was smooth, pale and perfect, but his features, and his eyes especially, looked too old to have such flawless skin. He was beautiful, in a way, but too strange to really be attractive. The young blonde next to him instantly reminded me of Rosalie. She was beautiful in the same intimidating way and had the same shade of blonde hair.

I slid in next to Sophia and sent the two strangers a shy smile. Catherine, sitting opposite of me, smiled at Violet and then laughed a little. I guessed that Violet had said something that was inaudible to the rest of us, using her talent.

"Claire, Horace," Catherine said, nodding at the blonde woman and the strange man, "this is Isabella." They were both staring at me. The woman seemed to be eyeing me suspiciously, but the man's face was smooth and peaceful as he stared into my eyes with his own red ones. He looked… wise, I realized. I gave them both a polite smile and a nod. I remembered what Catherine had told me about Claire, and realized the blonde woman must be the shield. A bartender came over to our table and put two bottles wrapped in black silk and six glasses on our table. He smiled and gave Catherine a small bow before he disappeared into the crowd.

_I haven't told them anything_, a voice said in my head. Violet was leaning back, hidden behind her sister, and so I couldn't see her. I realized she must mean that Claire and Horace still didn't know who I was or what I was doing there. I wasn't sure I really knew that myself.

"Who is she?" Claire asked and nodded her head in my direction, looking at Catherine. "She's a new friend of Sophia and Violet," Catherine answered. The strange man, Horace, grabbed one of the bottles and poured red liquid into all six glasses. It seemed to glow stronger down here, where it was darker. I found myself wondering how it would look in a completely dark room, if it would be illuminated. He shoved one glass towards each person, and then he lifted his glass and looked into my eyes. "A toast," he said, "to our new friend, Isabella." I looked down at the glowing red drink in front of me and then at Catherine, unsure what to do. She winked at me and raised her own glass. "To new friends," she said, and everyone but me lifted their glasses and drank. "It's perfectly safe," Horace said to me when he put his glass back down on the table. "I don't drink human blood," I said, and to my surprise he simply nodded, like this was something he had already guessed. I saw Claire's eyes narrow in my peripheral vision.

"Aw, come on, don't be such a downer," Sophia said and jutted her lower lip out in a pout. I smiled at her and shook my head. "Make me a vegetarian drink, and I'll join you," I said, and she rolled her eyes. "Don't be rude, Sophia," Catherine said and smiled at her. "But she's missing out," Sophia argued, still pouting.

The scents around me were making control almost impossible. There were just as many humans there as there were vampires, and their scent mixed with the scent of the drinks were making my throat ache in an excruciating way. I looked around the room again to distract myself. One of the strippers jumped down from the bar and walked over to a man sitting alone in a booth. She started dancing in front of him, and his eyes glazed over with lust. She moved like a snake while her hands slowly graced over her skin, over her chest and stomach and down her thighs as she bent over and then shot back up. The man was wearing a suit, but his jacked was flung over the back of his chair, his tie was loosened and he had opened a few buttons on his collar, like he had come straight from work and had tried to make himself more comfortable.

The vampire stripper took his hand and he followed behind her as she led him across the room, looking down at her ass as her hips swayed in front of him. She opened a door, and dragged him inside before she shut it. There were several other doors around the room, almost invisible in the darkness, and there were numbers above them.

"Where do you come from Isabella?" Horace asked, breaking my trance. I met his gaze. He had a small smile on his lips that seemed peaceful and patient. "Forks, Washington," I answered. "Did you enjoy it there?" he asked. "Yes. Forks will always be home to me." He nodded thoughtfully. "And yet, here you are," he said. "Yes, here I am." I wasn't in the mood for a long talk about my past, and my tone quickly closed the subject.

I watched him take another sip of his drink. His second glass, I noticed. Violet was staring blankly at one of the spotlights, and Sophia had her eyes closed as her head swayed slightly with the music. Some kind of gothic version of Tainted Love was blaring out of the speakers. Catherine and Claire were talking in whispers; I could barely make out what they were saying. It sounded like business-talk.

"And where do you come from?" I asked Horace. He was lightly tracing the rim of the glass with his fingertip. "I was born in Ontario in Canada right before the war of 1812. Despite the unfortunate timing, I had a very good life there, as far as I can remember. I moved to New York when I was 21, and lived there for the rest of my human life," he said with distant eyes. "You don't remember much of it?" I asked. "No, only the facts of when and where and a few memories I've purposively held on to." I nodded, knowing very well how memories so easily slipped away. "Does that get harder in time, holding on to memories?" I asked. He smiled at me. "Yes, I suppose they do slip away in time, but only if you're not careful."

Violet's eyes were open now, and she was looking at Horace and me, following our conversation. Horace looked down at her where she sat beside him and smiled. "Violet here remembers everything from her human life. She has repeated them in her mind so many times that they are engraved there forever," he said. _Is that what you want to do?_ Her voice asked in my head. "Yes," I answered. Horace seemed to be used to Violet's gift, just like the others, and didn't look confused or curious when I answered without being asked anything out loud.

"What do you do here?" I asked him. "I am one of the people who invented the recipe for the drink you keep refusing," he said and smiled. I looked down at the glass that was still full and untouched. "Really?" He nodded, still with that peaceful smile. "What's in it?" I asked. "Magic," he answered and winked. "What kind of magic?"

His eyes shifted briefly to Catherine, and in my peripheral vision I thought I saw her shake her head just slightly. It was Claire who answered. "If you're not going to drink it, why do you care what's in it?" she asked and took a sip of her glass. "Well, normally when I come across something extraordinary, like what seems to be vampire alcohol, I do become curious," I answered. She sniffed and shrugged in a way that made it seem like she was thinking "whatever" and turned her attention back to Catherine.

Violet's voice appeared in my head again. _She's always so skeptical of newcomers. I wonder why she doesn't like you. Maybe it's your eyes_, she said. I looked at her and furrowed my brows in confusion. _You're different_, she said simply.


	17. Chapter 17

**More pictures of characters:**

**Newmoonff . livejournal . com (remove the spaces and open the journal entry called "The Vampires of Rouge")**

**Last half of Chapter 17 Soundtrack:**

**Anberlin – Feel Good Drag**

**Nick Cave – O'Children (Yes, the scene was inspired by the Harry and Hermione-scene with the same soundtrack)**

**Susanne Sundfør – White Foxes**

CHAPTER 17: DEATH

"You're not concentrating," Christopher growled at me. "You're asking me to lift a fucking tree while you're attacking me!" I growled back in frustration. It was our second week of training. Days after days I'd exhaust myself in the thick green forest, trying to perform the impossible tasks he had lined up for me.

Christopher was Rouge's own personal trainer. His job was to train all newcomers in fighting-skills and helping them develop and strengthen their special abilities, if they had any. We had been training every day for the six weeks I'd been living there. Since my power could easily be used while fighting, he wanted me to learn multitasking – move heavy things with my mind while at the same time defending myself.

He crouched down again, ready to attack. I focused in on both him and the tree behind him at the same time, willing the tree to levitate while at the same time concentrating on him. The ground around the tree started shaking, as its roots were about to break through at the same time that Christopher sprung at me, and I launched myself to the side. It was like a violent dance of spinning, ducking and jumping as we avoided each other's attacks. I was trying to concentrate on the tree at the same time, trying to make it break free from the ground, but it lingered with its root's halfway through the dirt and moss.

Christopher was holding back, not truly trying to overpower me. Eventually, he started to move faster and wilder, and I couldn't keep up. He had my neck in a tight grip while I kicked and hissed. I let go of the tree and used my invisible hands to push at him, and he let me go. He turned around to look at the tree, which was now standing askew. "You didn't even get it off the ground?" he asked in astonished disappointment. I growled at him. "I needed more time," I said through my teeth. "An attacker won't stop and give you more _time_, Isabella."

"I'm done for today," I said. He sighed and grabbed me into a sideways hug. We started walking back at a slow pace. "You're actually doing pretty good, we haven't been working on this for too long," he said, which made me snort. "Yeah right," I muttered. "Isabella, I'm making you frustrated during training on purpose. I've noticed you're more determined when you're angry. Your power is a muscle in your brain that needs to be strengthened, and that's not something that happens over night. You are improving every day, which is very good," he said. We walked side by side in silence after that. My chest still felt tight with frustration, and hearing that he was making me angry on purpose didn't help much.

When we were walking through the clearing towards the flat and grey building, Claire walked out of the door. "Catherine wants to see you," she said and crossed her arms across her chest. "I need to shower, I'm covered in dirt. I'll go see her later," I answered, looking down at my jeans that were covered in smudges of dirt and moss from when I'd thrown myself on the ground to avoid Christopher's fists and feet. "You'll go see her _now_," she said. "Catherine doesn't wait." I heard Christopher sigh quietly beside me. "What crawled up your ass and died?" I muttered, mostly to myself. Her red eyes flashed in anger and her hands balled up into fists.

That's the thing about vampires. We're not that hard to trigger.

"What did you say?" she asked through clenched teeth. "Nothing," I said with a tired exhale. I walked past her towards the door, and when I had my back to her I heard her move, but when I turned around Christopher already had her neck in a tight grip. "You never attack someone when they have their back to you," he said in a cold voice. "Let go," she growled, and he did. She gave me an icy stare and walked quickly back inside.

By the time we were inside, Claire was gone. Christopher's eyes lit up when they landed on Vanessa behind the bar, and he saw nothing else as he walked over to her. He sat down on a stool and she bent over the bar to kiss him. I quickly looked away and pressed the elevator-button several times, willing it to speed up and carry me down and away from the romantic scene before me.

When the elevator finally arrived, I walked in and pressed the button for L14. It carried me down and stopped with a pling, and I walked into the apartment, at a lack of a better word, with relief. Most of the vampires at Rouge lived in Chicago, but Sophia and Violet had asked me if I wanted to live with them here, to which I had gladly said yes.

I had already heard their muffles voices before the elevator opened. Catherine was standing next to Sophia, who was sitting by the vanity. She smiled at me and giggled a little when she took in my expression. It was the same I bore every day after training. "Don't ask," I said and walked into the walk-in-closet where I ripped off my dirty clothes up threw them in the laundry basket. I had no idea who did the laundry, but it was always empty. "Wasn't about to," Sophia said, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

I wrapped a towel around my body and when I walked back out, Sophia's smile was gone and replaced by a worried frown. Catherine had her hand on her shoulder. "Isabella, I actually wanted to talk to you," she said and turned around. "Yeah, Claire mentioned it." She smiled at my tone and nodded like she had guessed what had happened. "I just wanted to ask how training's going," she said. I shrugged. "Christopher says I'm doing okay," I said, impatient to get in the shower. She nodded and smiled. "That's good. Sophia, we'll talk later," she said and kissed the top of her head. "Isabella, we'll see each other soon, and you can tell me all about it," she said, probably sensing my tone, and with that she disappeared behind the elevator doors.

I opened the door next to the wardrobe and walked into the luxurious bathroom. The walls were creamy white with the lower half covered in sea-blue tiles, the same ones that covered the big bathtub. A matching divan was placed in front of a modern fireplace, and I threw my towel over it and stepped into the tub. I let the warm water run over my skin until I was clean and stepped back out, feeling calmer than before, but still in a bad mood.

When I got back into the living room, Sophia was in the closet, looking for something to wear. It wasn't exactly a living room, but I had no better word for it. There was a black leather couch and a matching chair, a table with a couple of laptops on it, a wide bookshelf and a vanity. Other than that, it was just a few paintings and an opening in the wall that led into the walk-in-closet. It was our own little lounge.

"What are you up to tonight?" Sophia asked from the closet. "Going to the nightclub, I guess," I answered as I walked in to find something to wear myself. I grabbed a pair of jeans, which she quickly pulled out of my hands. "Not dressed in that," she said and put it back. "Here you go," she said and handed me a black dress in soft, thin fabric. I put it on, not having the energy to argue with her, and looked in the mirror. It was long-sleeved and long, very classy, and definitely something Catherine would approve of. My face looked shockingly pale against the black fabric and framed by my dark, wet hair. I quickly walked to the elevator and pressed the button before she could force me to put on makeup as well. "Will I see you later?" I asked. "Definitely, I'm just waiting for a call from Violet," she answered, still in the closet. "Is she still out hunting?"

"Yeah, she went pretty far. I think she'll be back soon though," she said, but she sounded worried, and I realized this was probably why she had looked sad earlier. "Don't worry, Sophia. Violet can take care of herself," I said. She came out of the closet and nodded with an unconvincing smile. "See you later."

When the elevator arrived Sophia blew me a kiss and I waved goodbye before I got in and pressed the button for L9.

I walked into the nightclub, which was pretty quiet and almost empty so early in the day, and quickly spotted Horace. He was sitting alone by a table in a corner with a half-empty glass of red, reading a book. I walked over to him and sat down in the booth with a big huff, my hair still dripping and my mood still rotten. "How was training?" Horace asked after a few seconds of silence as he studied me over the rim of his book with a slightly amused expression. "Oh, just great," I said in a dark tone. "At least I got to hunt first," I added.

Horace was one of the few people I'd come to like since moving to Rouge. He had a calmness and peacefulness to him that I appreciated. In a way, he reminded me of Carlile with his patient eyes, but that wasn't something I allowed myself to think about.

"Christopher said you're doing very good," he said and continued reading. "I don't even understand why I have to do this every god damn day. What's the point? What am I missing here? No one's coming for us," I said. Horace didn't take his eyes off the book, as it was easy for him to split his attention without missing anything. "Catherine is very careful," he said in a knowing tone. "Almost paranoid. She's constantly worried about any potential threat to her… shall we call it kingdom?" I smiled humorlessly at his choice of words. "I can't really imagine Catherine scared of anything," I said. "In her own way I think she may be the most frightened of us all. But she hides it well, I agree with you on that," he said as his eyes shifted from side to side down the pages. "What's there to be scared of?" I asked in a low and grumpy voice, mostly to myself.

Horace lowered his book to his lap and looked at me with a thoughtful expression. "It's a strange thing, and probably hard to understand for someone as young as you. When you grow old, death doesn't seem so scary after a while. You get that feeling that you've seen it all, and that you're finished. But then, as we are immortal, when we become even older, when you've lived for so long that death only seems like a childhood nightmare, almost forgotten, death can become a very scary thing," he said. I looked into his red eyes and thought about his words. "We're all born to die," I said with a shrug. "Even us?" he asked with the corners of his mouth turned up in a small smile. "I believe so," I said. "Your youthful naivety is very refreshing, Isabella," he said, and in a strange way it sounded like he meant it as a compliment. "Your old man's grumpiness isn't," I said, which made him chuckle.

"I'm in hell," a familiar voice said from behind me, and Jimmy sat down next to me. He was also part of the very exclusive club of people I liked. He had joined Rouge a week after me, as he had decided to come visit his father, one of the guards who took turns standing outside by the entrance. Jimmy had walked into the nightclub with a grin the first time I saw him and said "What an amazingly dysfunctional place." He had only intended to stay for a few days to bother his father with sarcastic remarks about his workplace, but he had kept coming back and was here almost every day now. I knew very well what the reason for that was.

"What happened this time?" I asked. "I walked in on her while she was changing," Jimmy said and buried his face in his hands. He had black and slightly curly hair, and a friendly face that somehow seemed more human than the rest of us. He had carried a crush on Sophia since the first time she smiled at him. "How do you accidentally walk in on a vampire changing?" I asked and chuckled. "She thought I was you," he said in a muffled voice with his face still behind his hands. "That wasn't exactly the way that I first planned to talk to her, but now I'm on her radar, right?" he asked as he let go of his face and looked at me with hopeful eyes. I nodded with an encouraging smile. "I'm on her radar," he said and smacked his hand on the table in sudden triumph.

"Waiter! Hand over one of those disgustingly inappropriate drinks of yours," he called out to one of the men behind the bar, who nodded and quickly came over to our table carrying two glasses and a black bottle. He poured red, glowing drink into each glass and quickly disappeared after a polite nod.

Another reason I liked Jimmy, besides his sarcastic humor and easy going nature, was that since I'd told him I was a vegetarian, he had surprisingly decided to adopt a similar diet. At first, he had called it an experiment, but after a while he had decided that "not killing people all the damn time had definitely improved his quality of life." His eyes were still the same blood-red color as he kept drinking Red, which was made of human blood (and other ingredients that were still unknown to me) given from volunteering humans, which for the life of me I still couldn't fathom.

My mind still felt exhausted after the long training-session with Christopher, and I looked at the drink in front of me with a longing stare, which didn't pass by Jimmy unnoticed. "What is this I see?" He asked with a mockingly shocked expression. "Is our vampire angel Isabella tempted to give up on her morals and join the rest of us in a life of sin and wickedness?" I tried to give him a threatening glare, but it came out as more of an unhappy grimace. "That'd be so disappointing, seeing you all relaxed and happy for once. I'm really starting to like that whole brooding, no-one-understands-me, teenage vampire-thing you've got going on. You really light up the room," he said, and I saw Horace smile behind his book. Jimmy took a sip of his drink with a challenging look in his eyes. I raised an eyebrow, lifted my glass and finished the drink in one big gulp.

It wasn't stubbornness or a need to prove myself that made me do it. It was the growing feeling I'd had for the past weeks, that feeling you get when you've been thinking "What's the point?" for too long, and your mind grows tired of it all.

When I smacked the glass back down on the table, Jimmy's mouth was wide open in surprise. Horace had that knowing look that he always bore and simply smiled at me.

The taste, even mixed with unfamiliar flavors, was beyond what I'd imagined. The ever present pain in my throat disappeared as the sweet liquid washed it away. I had gotten so used to the pain that it was only now that it was gone that I realized how tense it had made me. There was a bitter aftertaste in the drink that I suspected was from the unfamiliar ingredient, but it tasted good with the sweetness from the blood.

I needed more. Now.

I quickly filled up my glass and finished the second drink in another big gulp. "Amazing," I whispered and closed my eyes. The effect was almost instant. It was like a wave of relaxation washed over me, spreading through my body and all the way to my fingertips, which were tingling slightly. It was similar to the effect of alcohol, only so much better, and without the negative effect of a slow mind. Like being drunk and sober at the same time. I gave Jimmy a lazy grin, which he returned with his own excited one.

Without the effect of the drink I might have felt bad about it, but it was hard to feel bad about anything when I was so relaxed. "Why do they give their blood to us?" I asked Horace, more out of curiosity than to ease any future guilt. "The humans that come here feel very honored to be part of such an exclusive club, and to be surrounded by what they perceive as magic. Most of them will do anything to be able to return," he said with his eyes back on his book. "I don't think they mind the sexual favors either," Jimmy said from beside me, and Horace nodded his head to the side as if to say "No, probably not". "That's kind of twisted," I said. "Rouge, population: vampires, currency: blood and sex," Jimmy said and raised his glass.

It didn't take long for the conversation to turn back to the subject of Jimmy's unrequited crush. "Okay, let me paint a picture for you here," Jimmy started with a speculative expression, "It's late at night, and she wants a drink. She comes down to the bar, and I'm sitting there, waving her over with a glass already waiting for her. She's a polite lady, so she walks over, and I go "Hey", all nonchalant, and she's like "Hey", and – " but I interrupted him. "Yeah, between you walking in on her naked and staring blankly at her whenever she smiles at you, she must be ready to fall head over heels any time now," I teased. "I think I liked you better when you were depressed and had no sense of humor," he said. Horace was smiling at our conversation behind his book.

Sophia chose that moment to walk in through the elevator doors. Jimmy's eyes widened, as he had probably also heard her familiar footsteps and quiet sigh. She came over and sat down next to Horace, who greeted her with a smile and a nod. She smiled at Jimmy and me, but something about her posture seemed tense. When she looked at my face her eyes widened. "Why are your eyes red?" she asked in astonishment and looked down at the half-empty glass in front of me. Her eyes went impossibly bigger, and then her face relaxed and she shrugged. "I guess I knew it was only a matter of time," she said. She took my glass and drank the rest of my drink before leaning back with a sad face. "What's wrong?" Horace asked. Jimmy seemed tense and stiff by my side. If he had known Sophia better he'd know that he had no reason to worry. Sophia wasn't one to care if someone saw her naked.

"I can't get a hold of Violet," she said unhappily. "Her phone's dead. She should've been back by now." Jimmy's hand inched slightly towards her, an action that seemed subconscious, like he yearned to comfort her somehow. "We could go look for her," I suggested. "I have no idea where she is. All I know is that she wanted to go to Canada," Sophia said. "I'm sure she's fine, Sophia. She's very easily distracted," Horace said and put his hand on her arm. She put her hand on top of his and smiled, but she didn't look completely reassured. "I just have a bad feeling," she said and sighed.

When nighttime came, I sneaked away from the group and went outside to lie on the roof and enjoy the sight of the stars and the full moon on the pitch-black sky. The moon was perfectly round and silver, and I could almost see the shadows from its small mountains. I was still enjoying the effect of the drinks – the lack of pain in my throat, the feeling of being relaxed for the first time in this new life and the slight light-headedness.

I had caught my reflection in my friends' eyes, and my red eyes bothered me. It was something I had always associated with the bad vampires – the murderers. I wondered to myself if I was really any better. I decided that there was a comfort in knowing that no lives had been lost, but that didn't make me like my reflection any better. I thought about Jacob and how he would react if he saw me, and if he'd understand. I could see his face so clearly, wrinkling his nose in disgust at the thought of drinks made of human blood and shaking his head in attempt to push away the though. I smiled and then sighed as I realized he probably wouldn't think any less of me. It was just his nature; once he loved someone, nothing could change it. I couldn't imagine anyone more loyal than Jacob.

I lied there for an hour, looking at the moon and thinking about Jacob, and wondering if he was in La Push, looking at the moon as well. I decided then to never drink Red again. I wanted my topaz eyes back; the eyes that represented goodness. To keep drinking it would mean I had given up on ever seeing Jacob again; that it didn't matter what my eyes looked like anyways.

A sound caught my attention and broke my train of thought. It was the sound of someone running, far away, and breathing fast. I knew from the sound that it was a vampire, and quickly sat up. I looked ahead, down the straight and narrow road between thick walls of forest that lead up to the clearing. Too far away for human eyes to see, Violet was running faster than I'd ever seen her run and breathing fast, not from exhaustion, but for some other reason. It was the expression on her face that made my chest tighten in fear. It was an expression of panic.

I shot up, confused and worried, but I didn't have to wonder for very long before I saw the source of her terror. A gigantic beast rounded the corner and came into view, running after her with its teeth bared.

It was a wolf – but it wasn't. Its back was hunched as it ran, gaining in on her. It had long, muscular legs with big claws that dug into the ground for each step. Its forelegs were longer than its hind legs, making its movements less feral than a wolf's. It wasn't like any animal I'd ever seen before. It was snarling as it ran, with long and sharp teeth that glistened in the moonlight.

"VIOLET! RUN!" I screamed, which was completely irrational as she was already running at full speed, and jumped off the roof and raced towards her without a thought. My chest felt impossibly tighter with desperation and fear, but not for my own life. Before then, I had no idea how much I already cared for Violet.

"ISABELLA, NO!" she screamed back when she saw me running towards them, and her face twisted in anguish, but there was no stopping me now. I could smell the beast in the wind, and it reminded me of Jacob, only this scent was different. It was much, much worse. My instincts kicked in at once, and I only wanted one thing: its blood on my hands. It was close to her now; it was obviously faster than her.

I concentrated hard and extended my invisible arms to push it back, and it slowed down and growled, but it only barely helped and it was still close to catching up with her. I tried to concentrate harder, but even though I could feel that the anger was making my power strong and easily controllable, it had very little effect on the wolf.

"TURN AROUND!" she yelled. I was close now; I could smell the horrible beast on my tongue. "NO!" she screamed, and then to my surprise she jumped up, twisted her body around in the air, and when she landed she started running in the other direction, leaving deep and long marks in the ground. She ran towards the beast like she was going to attack, and it snapped its teeth hungrily at her, but she quickly darted to the side and avoided its claws.

I had reached them then and I threw myself on the ground and slid underneath the monster, and then kicked up at its chest. It flew up in the air and looked like it would land hard on its back, but like a cat it twisted in the air and landed on its feet. I was at my feet at the same time, and it didn't hesitate to attack. It hunched over for a split second before it jumped, claws first, with its gigantic mouth wide open and ready to bite. I ducked, and Violet jumped up from behind me. Her movements were fast and skillful, obviously that of a trained fighter. _Kick it in the chest_, her voice said in my head. I threw myself on the ground while Violet was in the air, and kicked up like I had done the last time, while she kicked down from above. The beast was better prepared for my attack this time and bit down on my leg before I could move away.

It howled out in pain as its body was kicked from below and above at the same time, and I heard a bone break. But I was only half aware of these things, as something else demanded my attention. My leg, where it had bitten me, was burning with pain. I was still on the ground, clutching my leg instinctively and screaming.

Violet and the monster were still fighting; it had turned its full attention on her now that I was incapacitated. I forced myself to get up, but I was getting dizzy. With a grimace of pain I shot forward and threw myself into the battle. I was able to get up on its back, and while Violet distracted it with a complicated dance of dangerous movements as she kicked at its jaw, spun around on her toes and ducked away from its claws before she kicked it again in the leg, I got my arms around its neck as it twisted and jumped to shake me off and broke its neck with the last bit of strength I had in me.

I felt its body tremble slightly underneath me and heard it whine softly in pain, and then it collapsed at the same time I did. "GO GET HELP!" I heard Violet yell from what felt like far away; most likely at the guard who had been standing by the entrance and watched it all happen with a frozen expression of shock. I was vaguely aware that my body was twitching on top of something warm and hard, but the pain consumed me.

I felt it spread through my body and carry the pain to my other limbs, much like the venom had when Laurent had bitten me, only faster. When my whole body was burning, the pain started to subside, like the fire was starting to burn out, and eventually became a dull aching. That too eventually subsided, but my body was far away, somewhere I couldn't feel it, and I couldn't see anything. There was only blackness. I knew for sure I was dying, as I was also sure that surviving surely couldn't be this comfortable.

But then things started to feel clearer, and my senses slowly started to come back to me. I was breathing through my mouth, tasting the air. But it wasn't the taste of the monster; it was the taste of the ocean. I knew that taste. I breathed in with my nose as well, and I could smell it, the salt water, the dry sand and the forest nearby. It was the smell of La Push.

I slowly opened my eyes, and I could see again. I was standing by the edge of the water, looking out at where the ocean met the sky. I was barefoot, and I could feel the sand and the tiny rocks under my feet. I dug my toes into the sand and smiled.

I knew what I would see if I turned around. Not just the driftwood and the forest. I knew he was waiting for me. I smiled brighter and turned around, and he was standing there, his white teeth and black eyes shining at me as he returned my smile. "Jacob," I sighed in relief. I ran over to him and jumped up as I wrapped my arms and legs around him in a crushing hug. He was laughing at my enthusiasm as he hugged me back. When I released him he took my hand in his. He was warm, way too warm, but the feeling was comforting to me now. He smelled just as awful as he had before, and that too was comforting and made my smile widen.

"How's Billy?" I asked, even though I knew that his answer would only be a figment of my imagination, as everything else. "He's getting better," Jacob answered. He kept my hand in his and wrapped the other one around my waist and started swinging our bodies from side to side. He wasn't much of a dancer, but neither was I. It was comforting, like a father rocking his baby in a crib.

I rested my head against his chest as we danced and inhaled, smelling the familiar scent of wet dog. His dancing had been cheerful at first, but he slowed down and the dance took on a sad tone. "You haven't called or written. You promised," he whispered against the top of my head. "I know," I said, unable to think of a good excuse. "I'm sorry."

"You should call me," he said. I shook my head against his chest. "I don't know what to say. I'm so lost," I said with a shaky voice. "So call me. Let me help you find yourself." I shook my head again, stubborn as always. "I don't want you to know what I've become," I said.

He was quiet for a while, until he said "Your eyes" like he wanted to ask, but was too scared of the answer to really say the full sentence. "I didn't kill anyone," I whispered, but this fact didn't make me feel much better. "They give their blood to us Jacob, no one has to die. Please believe me." I wasn't really begging him to believe me; I was begging him to forgive me. He simply nodded; I could feel it against the top of my head. "Jake… I don't even know who I am anymore." I leaned back to look at his face. His eyes weren't under the shadow of his furrowed brows as I had imagined. He was smiling sadly at me and sighed. "You made the weather and then you stand in the rain and say 'Shit, it's raining,'" he said. I let out a humorless laugh. "Great, you're quoting epic war movies. Now I know you're not real," I said. "Doesn't make it less true," he said and raised an eyebrow.

We were still dancing. The sky was starting to darken, like time was moving faster than it should. "I didn't make the weather," I said after a moment of silence. "The sky just suddenly went dark and it started pouring down on me. There was nothing I could do about it."

"How about just getting an umbrella?" he said and laughed, but I was dead serious. I pushed away from him, breaking up our dance. "_You_ were my umbrella. But I lost you," I said. He grabbed my hand again and pulled me back to him.

"You never lost me. Just pick up a damn phone and call me," he said and sighed darkly. "I _did_ lose you," I argued. "You had to go back and I couldn't come with you. That's losing someone. When you can't see them anymore, when you can't talk to them, you've lost them." We were looking into each others' eyes as we danced. His face was still smooth and calm, but I felt my own features twist in pain and frustration. "You need to call me," he repeated. "What's the point?" I asked. "What am I going to say? I can't tell you anything." I pushed away from him again. "Shit! It's raining!" I yelled at him, which made him smile, and that angered me further. "Don't smile! I'm upset!" I screamed, but his smile didn't waver. "I'm smiling because I'm with my friend," he said. "And you're just as you've always been, stubborn and angry as you stomp your foot," he said and smiled wider.

He grabbed my hand again and pulled me back. "Why are we dancing?" I asked in a muffled voice as I was pressing my face against his warm chest. I felt him shrug and he didn't answer. "You were everything that kept me from falling into darkness," I said, still pressing my face against him. "How?" he asked. "You were my sun," I said. "Come back to me," I whispered and hugged him tighter. He kept swaying our bodies from side to side. "I'm here," he said and kissed the top of my head. I shook my head.

My eyes were filling with tears. It felt so strange… wrong, in a way. I wasn't supposed to be able to do that. I pulled away from him and looked at his t-shirt. There were two dark spots on it – two wet spots like someone who were crying had pressed their face against it. I lifted my hand and touched my cheek, and then looked at my wet fingertips in wonder.

_Tears? How is that possible?_ I looked up at Jacob and felt my mouth fall open in shock. His hair was long and in a loose ponytail by the nape of his neck. He was shorter too. He was still much taller than me, but not as tall as he had been a minute ago. I looked at my hand again and saw that my skin was not as pale as it should be. It was pinker, and I could just barely see the thin blue veins under my skin. I was human again, and so was Jacob. He didn't look surprised by this fact; he simply seemed to be enjoying the look of my shocked expression.

In my peripheral vision I saw something move by the edge of the forest. My head snapped to the side to look, and the man took a step forward and out of the shadows.

I gasped in shock. It was like time stopped and the world disappeared the moment I saw his beautiful face, and I automatically took a step towards him. The dull pain of the emptiness inside of me was suddenly filled with warmth. I felt my knees start to shake and could vaguely hear my sharp intakes of breath. He was in front of me at once, with a worried expression. "Bella, what's wrong?" he asked and put his hand on my cheek. I blinked back the tears so that I could see him, and looked into his eyes of liquid topaz.

Jacob lifted the hand that was holding mine and placed it in Edward's, like a father giving away his daughter on her wedding day. They smiled at each other and Jacob walked away.

I was only seeing this in my peripheral vision as I refused to take my eyes off of Edward's. I didn't care that it wasn't real, because it felt every bit as real as reality. I didn't care that he didn't love me anymore, because I could finally feel my own heart again, not just because it was beating, but because it was _there_. It had been with him the whole time, and now he had brought it back to me. His hand was cold, and the feel of it made me shiver once in pleasure. "Are you cold?" he asked, and I shook my head and smiled. As far as hallucinations went, this one was pretty good. Worrying like that was very Edward-like.

It was then that it all came back to me, as I realized what I'd probably known all along. The monster biting me, the fire, the blackness… I was dead. And Edward was there, so surely it must be heaven.

I reached up my free hand to touch his face while I studied his features. "If this is heaven, I wish I'd died sooner," I said in wonder. He was just as perfect as he always had been. His face twisted in pain at my words. "Don't be sad," I whispered and stroked his cheek. "I'd much rather be here," I assured him and smiled truly genuinely and without bitterness for the first time since he'd left me. "I'm so sorry, Bella," he said and leaned his forehead against mine. "What do you have to be sorry for?" I asked, my smile gone now that I could no longer see his eyes. He didn't answer me; he just kept his eyes shut with a tortured expression.

"But… wait…" I started in confusion that quickly turned into horror. "Are you dead too?" He opened his eyes and leaned back to look at my face. He lightly traced my cheekbone with his fingertip before answering. "I don't know," he said with furrowed brows and eyes that were still burning with pain.

"Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath hath no power yet upon thy beauty," he whispered and looked at me with an expression that mirrored my own, with love and sadness. "If I'm not dead and you are, then I'll join you as soon as I can. I will not live in a world where you don't exist," he said, and I shook my head and felt my eyes sting with fresh tears. I wanted him so badly to stay with me, but if there was one thing I was sure of, it was this: Edward had to exist. A world without him is no world at all.

He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me to his chest while he soothingly stroked my hair. "One way or another, we will be together," he said with sudden determination. "Not like that," I whispered. He didn't answer; he just held me tight and started to softly hum my lullaby. It was most beautiful sound I'd ever heard.

We stayed that way until the sky was a dark purple color. Time and space ceased to exist, and I felt truly and completely hole, finally back in his arms. It didn't matter that he didn't love me. It didn't matter why I was here or why he was too. It didn't matter that he had left me – nothing did.

Suddenly I became of aware of something cold and wet on my leg. I looked down in confusion and saw that something dark was running down from my thigh. I smelled it as soon as I saw it, and my stomach twisted with nausea. Blood. I felt Edward's body go rigid in my arms and looked up at him. He was staring at my leg in horror. It was then that the pain hit me, and I gasped.

My leg gave in and I was about to fall down, but Edward caught me and lowered us slowly to the ground. I lied in his arms and twitched with the pain with my lips pressed shut to keep from screaming. "Bella! What's happening?" he asked in alarm with the hand that wasn't holding me to him lingering in the air above my leg, unsure of what to do. I opened my mouth and gasped involuntarily. "I was b-bitten," I managed to choke out. My whole body was shaking and twitching, and my forehead was damp with cold sweat. "Bella, no, no, no, Bella, please." I felt his cold hand pressing down on my thigh, trying to stop the bleeding, but it was no use. I was already getting dizzy, and my vision was becoming blurry.

If I was already dead, how come I was dying?

He put his hand on my face, it was wet with blood, and pressed his lips to mine. Even twitching in pain, I could appreciate it. He leaned his forehead to mine, and he was shaking too, but like he was crying. "Bella, no, stay with me, please," he whispered over and over again. I tried to see his face, but it was blurry and out of focus. For a split second, it was Sophia's face I was staring at, her face twisted in anguish just like Edward's, and then he was back. "I love you," I whispered. "NO!" he roared, but he was already far away from me. I could just barely feel his cold and hard arms around me and his face was disappearing behind black spots.

_I love you, I love you, I love you_, I thought over and over again as I fell into blackness.

But the pain didn't disappear. I could still vaguely feel my body twitching and shaking with it. After a few moments, as Edwards voice faded away, my vision started to come back. I could feel his arms around me again, but they were different. I was breathing fast and heavy, but the smell was different too. It wasn't the ocean I smelled, it was a familiar scent of roses that I associated with Sophia.

I blinked and tried to clear my vision, and the dark spots were fading away. I looked into two red eyes, wide with worry and fear and framed by long blonde hair. I could feel my body again; her thin arms wrapped around me, the carped under my legs where she was sitting and holding me in her arms. "Isabella, wake up. Please wake up," she said, but I could barely hear her. I closed my eyes and tried to will myself back to La Push where Edward was waiting for me. _Open your eyes_, Violet's voice said in my head, much clearer than Sophia's. _Wake up_. I opened my eyes again, and saw Sophia sigh in relief.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18 Soundtrack:  
CocoRosie - Werewolf**

CHAPTER 18: CHILDREN OF THE MOON

"Let me in! I'm not scared of you, you oversized chimpanzee." It was Jimmy's voice, somewhere in the room. "Let him in," I heard Catherine's voice say. She sounded tense, almost angry. "Isabella? My God, you look like shit," Jimmy said, closer now. I blinked in attempt to clear my vision, which was still foggy, and looked away from Sophia's relieved eyes and at Jimmy, who was crouching over me.

I tried to get up, but immediately felt dizzy, and Sophia restrained me in her arms. "Just lie still for a while," she said and kissed my forehead. I did as she said, mostly because it didn't seem like I was able to do anything else, and closed my eyes. My whole body was still trembling and aching; like I had been beaten on every inch of my body, but my leg was worse. The pain there was nothing like the dull aching in the rest of my body; it was a burning pain that made me want to scream.

"Will she be okay?" Jimmy asked. "She'll be fine once the venom is gone from her system. Christopher, go get Horace and ask him to bring a bottle of pure Red," Catherine said, and I heard someone move and then the elevator doors closing. It was silent after that; I could only hear the footsteps of someone pacing back and forth.

It was so strange. I felt almost human, even though I was sure I was still a vampire. My body felt weak and the pain was so excruciating that it distracted me and weakened my senses.

After a few moments, the elevator doors opened and someone walked in. I heard another person sit down on the floor next to me and opened my eyes. Horace was looking at me with a worried expression I'd never seen on his face before. "Help her sit up," he said, and Sophia supported my back and lifted me into a sitting position. I felt dizzy again and my ears rang. "Drink this, Isabella," he said and held a glass in front of my face, but I shook my head. I didn't want to drink human blood anymore.

I stopped breathing. The scent made my throat throb with pain. Even though I had hunted and had three glasses of Red the previous day, I felt thirsty again. "Isabella, you need to drink it, it will help you," he said, still holding the glass in front of my face. "I don't want it," I choked out in a hoarse voice. He sighed. "This is not the time to be stubborn. Your life is still in danger. This blood was not taken by force," he said. I breathed in, and had I not been too weak I probably would've grabbed the glass from his hand and swallowed it. I nodded, and he lifted the glass to my lips and tilted it. I was trembling so badly that the glass was shaking too, and blood spilled down my neck.

I finished the whole drink, and felt the blood run down my throat and ease the pain. The strange, bitter taste wasn't there; it tasted like pure human blood. When I had finished it I felt stronger, but only fractionally. The trembling didn't stop, but it eased a bit.

"Was I dead?" I asked in that same hoarse voice. I was thinking about Edward and Jacob, and how they'd been with me. If I had been dead, there was reason to believe they were too. Sophia was the one who answered. "No, you've been twisting and shaking, sometimes even screaming, for hours." She was talking calmly, but her voice had a hint of horror in it, and she hugged me tighter. I nodded weakly. I felt like I needed to sleep, but I knew that was impossible.

"I want to get up," I said and tried to do it myself, but Sophia moved the arm that wasn't supporting my shoulders to the back of my knees and carried me up. She sat me down in a big chair and I leaned back and closed my eyes. I heard her sit down on the couch and sigh.

"What happened?" I asked after a few moments of silence and opened my eyes. We were in our apartment on L14. Catherine was pacing slowly back on forth in front of the opening that led into our wardrobe with a speculating expression. Violet was sitting next to Sophia, leaning her head on her shoulder. Jimmy and Horace were standing next to each other, and Christopher was sitting on the chair by the vanity with his back to the mirror, looking at Catherine. There was a man with wide shoulders and a serious expression standing by the elevator. One of the guards, I recognized.

"You don't remember?" Sophia asked. "Of course I do. But… what was it?" Sophia looked at Catherine, who was still pacing. She stopped and sighed before she turned around and looked at me. "It was a werewolf," she said, and I nodded. I had already guessed as much. "They are nothing like the shape shifters, from what you've told me," she continued. "They are savage creatures. During a full moon, they transform into werewolves, and they are no longer capable of any rational thought. We _thought_ they only lived in Europe and Asia, but apparently, we were wrong," she said.

Catherine shifted her gaze to Violet. "Which brings me back to my question," she said and narrowed her eyes. "How the hell did this happen?" It was Sophia who answered. Violet was still leaning her head on her sister's shoulder and staring blankly at the table. "It followed her in human form, tracking her all the way from Canada. When Violet realized she was being followed, she tried to outrun it. She thought she had done it too, but she knew there would be a full moon and had to speed up before it would transform and gain its full powers." I was staring at her with wide eyes as she spoke. "She was almost home when she realized it was still following her, and –" Catherine interrupted her. "And she led it straight to us," she hissed.

"What was she supposed to do?" Sophia asked, her voice horrified and pleading. Catherine didn't answer, she looked like she was too angry to say anything. "But we killed it, didn't we? So what's the problem?" I asked in a weak voice. "The problem is that they run in packs," Catherine answered. "You killed one, but his friends are still out there. Alexander is already ripped to pieces, from what we could hear," she added. My eyes widened. Alexander was the guard that had been outside when it all happened. "Are they still out there?" I asked, and Catherine nodded. "They are close, that's for sure, but they don't want to attack when they're in human forms," she said.

"But why can't we just track them down and kill them? If they're humans, then…" but my voice faded away. Was killing them any better than killing actual humans? "They're still strong. In human-form, they are still nearly as strong and fast as us. Some are able to run down vampires even without the full moon, and if we attack them they will be able to transform into half-wolves. In this form, they are just as strong as vampires are. I imagine we have a month until they try to break in. They'll want to attack during a full moon, when they're at their strongest," Catherine answered, now back to pacing with a speculating expression. "The problem is that we don't know how many of them are out there. My guess is that they came to America to find us, and they'd know to build up an army before doing so," she continued. "They must've been following and tracking all the vampires they could find until they found the right place," she said, like she was thinking out loud. "Or maybe he recognized her scent…"

My leg was still burning and my body was shaking and felt weak from the bite. I shuddered at the thought of an army of werewolves. "Why would they be coming for you?" I asked in confusion. It seemed strange to go through all that trouble just to track down these vampires when there surely must be plenty for them to kill elsewhere. Horace was the one who answered, looking at Catherine as he spoke. "Because we have been killing them to take their venom," he said. Jimmy and I seemed to be the only ones who were surprised. His eyebrows shot up and mine furrowed in confusion. "We use it to make Red," Horace continued, and I felt my mouth fall open in shock. "One drop in each bottle, mixed with human blood."

"But… it's poison," I said with a voice that was still hoarse and trembling, a proof of that fact. "When a vampire is bitten by a werewolf, and if enough venom gets into our bodies, it's deadly. In your case, the bite was just small enough that you survived, but just barely. Mixing one single drop with blood doesn't weaken us at all, which you know as you have experienced that too," he said.

"That's why I've been training, isn't it?" I asked, looking at Catherine with disgust. "It's not just the Volturi, you've been training all of us for a potential werewolf-attack, haven't you?" I wanted to get up, but I knew I was too weak. "Yes," she said and looked into my eyes, unashamed. "Why haven't you told me? How could you lie like that, you of all people, who value honesty more than anybody?" I yelled at her. "And you," I continued, looking at Sophia and Violet. "You _knew_!" Sophia winced, but Violet was still just staring blankly at the table.

"No one lied, Isabella," Catherine said, and I sent her the most poisonous look I could manage. "You always knew there was a secret ingredient," she said. "Yes, thank you so much for your honesty, I'm not angry at all that you've now made me one of the enemies of an angry pack of monsters," I said sarcastically, and Jimmy hid his laughter behind a cough. Only Jimmy could find something funny about a situation like this. "I'm sorry, Isabella," Horace said. I knew he was one of the people who had invented the drink in the first place, and I looked at him with a furious glare. "We should have told you. You need to understand, none of us imagined that this would happen," he said, and I looked away from his apologetic eyes.

"You obviously expected it enough to build an army yourself," I said, looking at Catherine again. It was easier to stay mad at her. "It was for protection," she said; now back to pacing and barely paying attention to the conversation. I shook my head in disbelief. I had used up the tiny bit of energy I had left yelling, and leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes. I had never felt that sick in my whole life, human-part included. "Are you okay?" Sophia asked, and I nodded.

"What do we do now?" Horace asked, and I imagined the question was directed at Catherine. "For now, we're on lockdown. No one comes in, no one leaves," she answered. "What about the humans?" Violet asked, speaking for the first time. "They'll be given a choice: they can leave at own risk, become one of us or stay here as humans. The latter will be extremely risky, as I imagine we will all become very thirsty. We will have to tell them," she said. "Christopher, do it now. They're all up in the bar with Vanessa." I heard him get up and walk into the waiting elevator, which closed and carried him away.

_Thank you for saving my life_, Violet said, speaking telepathically. "I owed you one," I whispered. I felt a hand on my arm and guessed it was Sophia's, but I didn't have the energy to open my eyes. "We really are sorry," she said, and I nodded weakly. I didn't even have the energy to feel angry anymore.

It was quiet after that. I wasn't asleep, but not truly awake either. I kept my eyes closed and imagined that I was back on the beach with Edward. The emptiness in my chest throbbed in pain, like the rest of my body, but it was worth it. I could remember his face clearly now, much better than I had when all the memories I had of him were from my human life. It still worried me that Edward and Jacob had been there, as I had been so sure that it was heaven, but I knew now that I hadn't been dead.

For hours, the only sounds were the slow breathing of the people in the room. I heard someone sit down, and then someone else get into the elevator and leave. When I opened my eyes, Catherine and the guard were gone. Horace was standing and looking at one of the paintings on the wall with a thoughtful expression. Violet was still sitting next to her sister, leaning her head on her shoulder, and Jimmy was now sitting next to her, looking subtly over at Sophia every now and then.

I felt a bit stronger and sat up more straight, and all eyes turned to look at me in worry. Except for Jimmy, who was smiling. "So… I guess there's only moose left for us now, huh? I personally can't wait. The unappealing scent, the unsatisfying blood… I just love it," he said in his familiar sarcastic tone. I chuckled hoarsely, which made Sophia wince. "Better than werewolf-blood," I said and grimaced at the pain.

I folded up my dress to look at my leg and gasped. There were deep teeth marks on my thigh, like holes in a white stone. "Will that ever go away?" I asked and looked at Sophia. Horace was suddenly by my side, looking down at the bloodless wound, and I looked up at him. "It might get better after a while, but I don't think it will ever go away completely," he said with furrowed brows. "It's amazing that you survived," he added thoughtfully. "I'm not sure 'survived' is the right word here," I said, and he looked at my face and nodded. "No, you don't look well, but you are healing. I think you'll feel normal again soon," he said.

Horace, Jimmy, Sophia and Violet stayed with me during my healing process. Catherine only came by once during the week it took. She didn't get out of the elevator, she only asked Horace to come with her, which he did. When he came back I asked him what she needed him for and he said, "To transform the remaining humans. Not everyone's able to do it without killing them." I shuddered at the thought, and didn't ask any more questions about it.

The others spent the time surfing online, reading and playing chess, while I mostly just watched from my chair.

After 7 days, I was almost back to normal, but extremely thirsty. Horace went to talk to Catherine, while Sophia, Violet, Jimmy and I went downstairs to the Nightclub. When the elevator doors opened up on L9, I expected to be greeted by the loud music and the spotlights dancing over the walls, but instead we walked into a dimly lit and quiet room. "Wow, it's really packed tonight," Jimmy said and smiled at the lonely bartender.

We sat down in a booth, and he quickly came over with two bottles of Red. "Catherine told me to save these for you," he said and placed them on the table with four glasses. He filled all glasses before nodding politely and leaving us. "Where is everybody?" Jimmy asked. "Catherine probably keeps everyone in the bar upstairs, incase someone tries to break in," Sophia answered and looked up at the roof with furrowed brows.

"We should probably save that one," she said and nodded towards the bottle that was still unopened, before taking a sip of her glass. "You can have my share," I muttered and looked away from the all too appealing drink in front of me. Since I'd woken up I'd been extremely thirsty, but I didn't want another drop of either human or werewolf blood inside of me. "Isabella, you need it. Your eyes are coal black," Sophia said disapprovingly. I shrugged stubbornly, and she sighed.

"Oh what the hell. Take mine too," Jimmy said and shoved his glass across the table. Sophia gaped at him. "Now you too? What's with you people?" she asked in disbelief. "Is it really that hard to believe, considering what that drink has lead to?" I asked. "No, but the damage is done. It's not like we can give this back," she said, looking at us like we were crazy. "You'll go crazy with the thirst," she added. Neither of us answered. "Fine," she said in an exasperated tone and crossed her arms.

Violet and Sophia looked at each other for a moment. "Not if they're not gonna drink it," Sophia said and nodded towards Jimmy and me, answering a question I couldn't hear. "You're not drinking it either?" I asked in surprise. "Neither of us are," she answered, and then she started pouring it back into the bottle while muttering "No point in wasting it" and "This is so stupid", mostly to herself. When the glasses were empty she carried everything away from the table and gave the full bottles back to the bartender.

"Look at us. Four vegetarian vampires," Jimmy said happily when she sat back down. "My bet is that Isabella will the first one to cheat," Sophia said. "Why? I've been doing this much longer than you have," I said in an offended tone. "Because you already look thirsty as hell," she said. "Seriously, are you okay?" She added with worry. "I feel fine," I lied. The truth was that I was still feeling weak – much weaker than before the bite. Sometimes I would start to tremble for no good reason, like a human with a fever.

When I'd first looked in the mirror since I'd been bitten, I barely recognized myself. I had dark purple circles under my eyes, which were coal black as Sophia had pointed out, and my face looked slightly thinner than before. My hair was dull and lifeless, and I looked even paler than usual. In other words: it looked like I was sick.

"I think it suits you," Jimmy said and shrugged. "It kinda goes with your mood." I chuckled and gave him the finger. "I'm not sure I'll be up for a vampires-versus-werewolves-war though," I said and frowned. "Horace says you'll feel better soon," Sophia said reassuringly. "Has this happened before?" I asked skeptically, and she hesitated before answering. "Well, yes… but they didn't survive," she said slowly. "But they died almost at once," she quickly added when she saw my expression. "No one has survived this long, and you're getting better, so that must mean you'll be completely recovered once the venom burns out." I nodded and tried to smile, but something happened to it on the way and it turned into a wince.

"See? No one else survived, so you have nothing to worry about," Jimmy said sarcastically and took out a deck of cards from his pocket. He started a game with Violet and I watched them play while Sophia surfed the web on her Iphone. It was quiet for a while, until Sophia broke the silence with a horrified "Oh no". "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's the news. They say a serial killer, possibly several, have been going on a killing spree," she said with her eyes shooting back and forth on the screen while she scrolled down. "Rumor has it the killers only leave behind small parts of their victims," she said with a horrified expression. "It's the werewolves. There must be a lot of them," she whispered. "And newborns, or else they wouldn't have been this careless."

"They're creating an army," I said with a moan and let my head fall down on the tabletop. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to go to my happy place, but I couldn't. All I could see behind my eyelids was the monster, sneaking into people's homes and ripping them to pieces with its gigantic claws. I felt my face twist and my chest tightened, like I was crying. Jimmy rubbed my back soothingly.

"I don't understand how things got so bad," Sophia whispered, and I laughed bitterly. "What?" she asked, and I lifted my head from the table and sighed. "Just something a friend once told me. He said, "You made the weather and then you stand in the rain and say 'Shit, it's raining!'" Jimmy chuckled darkly. "That's from Cold Mountain," he said, and I nodded. "When this war is over, there will be a reckoning," he quoted in a good impression of Nicole Kidman's accent. Sophia and I laughed despite of our bad moods, and Violet smiled.

"What do we do now?" I asked, looking at Sophia. "I don't know. Catherine has called everyone from her guard, but they have to move carefully and in groups. She doesn't think they'll attack in human form, though she can't be sure. We have no idea how many of them are out there," she answered in a defeated tone.

I could see how it would happen in my mind. It wouldn't be a war; it would be an execution. I saw us walking out, one by one, into the dark night. I saw them waiting for us, endless rows of monsters, and ripping us all to pieces.

I closed my eyes and imagined _his_ face. _Edward, I love you_. I would think his name every single day now, because I knew my days were numbered.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19 Soundtrack:**

**Johnny Cash – God's Gonna Cut You Down**

**Tim Eriksen – Am I Born To Die?**

**Alison Krauss – You Will Be My Ain True Love**

**There's something about this chapter that I really love. Am I allowed to say that about my own story? Anyways, this time one of the songs from the soundtrack is actually used in the story, and it's a very beautiful song too, so I recommend that you listen to it.**

CHAPTER 19: THE WAIT

As the next weeks passed, a shadow of anxiety seemed to loom over us. After a while, people simply stopped talking, other than the whispers of the ones who were planning strategies. Being upstairs in the bar or in the nightclub had become very unappealing, as that meant sitting in silence with a bunch of vampires cramped together, all silent and staring, just waiting for time to pass.

Our numbers were growing. Catherine's guard had managed to get to us unharmed. In fact, they said they hadn't even smelled or seen any werewolves at all, and some were hoping they had called off the attack, or that maybe they had never planned one in the first place. But the ongoing killings in Michigan and Chicago were all the proof I needed to know that they were coming for us.

When two weeks had passed, Catherine sent a couple of guards out to look for the werewolves. They never returned. We all knew that that was what she had expected, and that she hadn't sent them so that they could spy on them and find out how many they were, but that it was to see if they would return at all. Neither of them were very good fighters.

Rouge had many levels I'd never visited, and I knew from the number of vampires who had arrived that many of them spent their time in rooms I never went into. I don't know exactly why I never pressed any of the other buttons in the elevator, but I suspected it was because I was scared to be greeted by a laboratory with werewolf-corpses, bags of human blood and empty Red-bottles.

The newborn vampires, the ones who had chosen to stay and be bitten instead of taking the risk of leaving, were becoming a problem. For some of them, becoming a vampire had been their dream since they'd first come to Rouge. I suspected the reality was different than what they'd expected. The thirst was making them almost crazy, and many of them had gotten into fights or tried to leave to go out and hunt. One of them, his name was Tim, had been the most trouble. I hadn't seen him in a week, and I suspected that Catherine had ordered someone to kill him.

Only one man had decided to stay as human. I hadn't seen him in a week either.

On top of this, and to great worry for my friends, I was becoming weaker every day. It had seemed like I was getting better at first, but the tides had turned. My skin was still pale and strong, and my senses were heightened as a vampire's should be, but my strength had reached a human level. My eyes were coal black and my throat was constantly burning in a way I couldn't ignore. It was like my body was craving blood now more than ever. I had never been that thirsty before. My invisible hands were almost non-existent. I could barely lift a pen, and the concentration and energy it took to do that left me completely exhausted.

But still I stubbornly refused to drink the blood they kept offering me. They were saving their last supply for the full moon, when they expected the attack, but Catherine had assured me that I was an exception to that rule. I still refused it. "No reason to waste perfectly good blood on a corpse," I had said in a hoarse voice, but the truth was that if I was dying, I didn't want to die with red eyes. Technically, they should've still been red from when I had drunk it the last time, but for some reason they had been coal black since I'd opened my eyes after the bite. Horace had said it could be because my body needed more blood now that it was weaker, that maybe I needed it to recover, but I had still refused.

Sophia, Violet, Jimmy and I spent most of our time in the apartment on L14. The subject of my inevitable death was taboo. We all knew it; that I was dying, but it was apparently not something to be said out loud. I was sick of it.

"I'm still not sure what to do," I said in a thoughtful voice. I was lying on the couch with my feet in Sophia's lap, while Violet and Jimmy were sitting on the floor and playing three-dimensional chess. "If I go out there with you, I'll die at once. But if I stay here, I'll die slowly and alone, all the while wondering if they'll come for me," I continued in the same tone with a weak voice. Sophia looked at me with a horrified expression and Jimmy's hand lingered in the air for a moment, like he was frozen. Violet looked at me with unreadable eyes.

"First of all, you're not dying," Sophia said and ignored my doubtful expression as she continued. "Second of all, you're assuming we'll lose the battle. Catherine has called everyone she knows, and that's _a lot_, and while we'll wait for the werewolves outside, they will attack them from behind once the fight starts," she said in a confident voice. She clearly had no doubt that Catherine's strategies would save us all. "And they will have to wait for the battle to actually start before they can come and help, so that they don't get killed before they get the chance," I said and sighed. "Which means the puppies will have plenty of time to kill us before they come to our rescue," Jimmy finished for me. The last group of vampires from Catherine's guard had never showed up, which most likely meant that the werewolves were starting to move closer.

"Why are you so pessimistic?" Sophia asked and crossed her arms. I shrugged, and Jimmy chuckled. "Not pessimistic, just realistic," he said. "I gotta say though, waiting for death is a blast. I'm getting all of this reading done, I'm kicking ass at three-dimensional chess," he winked at Violet and shoved her bishop off the board with his knight, "and I get to spend time with you sunny people," he said and looked at Sophia and me. She was still sitting with her arms crossed and her lower lip in a pout, and I looked like a corpse where I lay with my arm hanging limply off the couch. I chuckled hoarsely, and in my peripheral vision I saw the corners of Sophia's mouth turn up a bit.

The elevator doors opened then, and Horace walked in with a tired expression on his face. "What's wrong?" I asked. "Nothing, just Catherine, she's… stressed," he said and sat down in the leather chair. "Check," Violet said with a clever smile, and Jimmy narrowed his eyes at her. "The atmosphere in here is a 180 turn from the one up there," Horace said. I wondered how that could possibly be, as we were talking about death down here.

"How are you feeling?" Horace asked me with a worried frown. "Human," I answered, and he nodded sadly. "And you will won't – "

"Drink blood? No," I said, and he nodded again.

"Checkmate," Violet said, and Jimmy sighed in defeat. He got up and traded placed with Sophia, and she and Violet started a new game. He lifted my feet and placed them carefully in his lap as he sat down. "I'm not made of glass," I said and rolled my eyes. "Are you sure about that?" He whispered, like he was saying it to himself more than me. For a brief second I saw his eyes burn, like he was in pain, but when he blinked it was gone. I shook my head, wondering if I was going crazy on top of everything else, and turned my attention to the game.

The next days passed in a strange way, like time hadn't decided if it was moving fast or slow. None of us, other than Horace, had left the apartment during those days. We stayed down on L14, like not leaving could make the world above us disappear. Like we were ignoring our inevitable futures.

When July 14th arrived, the day that would fade away into a night of full moon, the tension had reached an unbearable level. We were all quiet.

I was on the couch, as usual, and lying in a fetal position as I hugged my knees to my chest. An aching had started to grow in my bones a few days earlier, and I was now trembling with the pain. "Isabella, do you want something?" Sophia asked in a low voice, and I shook my head. "Someone should stay with her," Sophia said and looked at Jimmy and Violet. "N-no," I stammered, and breathed in deep in attempt to ease the trembling. "It'll be okay. And besides, who would that be? Like you would let Violet go out there without you, or like she'd let you, and Jimmy would never…" But I didn't finish the sentence. I was going to say that Jimmy would never let her go out there without him either.

And so the silence continued.

"This is unbearable," Sophia said in frustration an hour later. "What do you think happens after death?" I asked. "That'll light up the mood. Let's talk about our inevitable doom," Jimmy said and smiled with pretend enthusiasm. "I'm serious," I whispered and closed my eyes. "For us? Nothing at all," Jimmy said. "I mean, maybe, I don't know," he quickly added, and I smiled and opened my eyes. "Did Sophia just nod her head in my direction with a look that said 'don't say things like that to a dying person'?" I asked and chuckled. Sophia smiled apologetically, and I took that as a yes. "It's okay, I was just curious," I said and closed my eyes again.

I was in my happy place, at the beach with Edward. It was a memory I'd come to think of as heaven, and I had it on replay in my head while I silently prayed that that's where I'd go when I died.

"What do you think happens after death, Isabella?" Sophia asked. I kept my eyes closed as I answered. "I hope we go where we most want to be," I said, still thinking about the beach and Edward's eyes. "This _is_ where I want to be," Sophia whispered. "Then you're lucky," I said and smiled.

Yet another long silence followed, broken by Sophia's humming. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was sitting on the floor with her arms wrapped around her legs. Her long hair flowed down her knees, looking golden in the dim light. She had her eyes closed, and she started to sing a familiar song I'd heard before in a previous life, in a low and beautiful voice.

"_You'll walk unscathed through musket fire. No ploughman's blade will cut thee down. No cutlass wound will mark thy face. And you will be my ain true love. And you will be my ain true love. _

_And as you walk through death's dark veil, the cannon's thunder can't prevail, and those who hunt thee down will fail. And you will be my ain true love. And you will be my ain true love. _

_Asleep inside the cannon's mouth, the captain cries, "Here comes the rout". They'll seek to find me north and south. I've gone to find my ain true love._

_The field is cut and bleeds to red. The cannon balls fly round my head. The infirmary man may count me dead, when I've gone to find my ain true love. I've gone to find my ain true love."_

Her voice died away, but it felt like the echo of it still hummed in the room. It had sounded almost like a prayer. "Sing it again," Violet said, and she did. I closed my eyes as I listened, imagining the beach again. My true love was with me.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20 Soundtrack: **

**Jack White – Wayfaring Stranger**

**Metallica – Turn the Page**

CHAPTER 20: GOODBIES

"We'll take the elevator up at half past nine," Sophia said. She had gotten a message with instructions from Catherine. "We'll go out in groups. She wants everyone outside by ten, in good time before the moon rises." Violet and Jimmy both nodded with distant eyes. I wanted nothing more than to be able to go out there with them, but I didn't even think I'd be able to make it outside, let alone be able to fight.

"How many of us are there?" Jimmy asked without meeting her gaze. "A hundred and fifty, more or less," she answered. "And that's included the ones we're hoping will show up during the fight?" he asked, and she nodded. "And they're stronger than us, so even if we have them outnumbered, we'll still –" but Sophia interrupted him. "Please don't," she whispered and closed her eyes. She was holding her sister's hand where they sat next to each other, still on the floor. Jimmy nodded in understanding.

"Do you think the Volturi will come?" I asked, surprised I hadn't thought about it before. Sophia shook her head. "If the killings had caught their attention, they would've been here by now," she said. "Isn't that strange? That it hasn't caught their attention, I mean," I asked. The killings had been all over the news, and their job was after all to look out for signs just like that. "If they have guessed that it's werewolves and not vampires who are causing it, they might be staying away because they're scared," she said. _And with good reason_, I mentally added.

"How long?" Jimmy asked. "One hour," she answered in a calm voice, but her face twisted with fear every time she looked down at her sister's face.

I felt just as scared and anxious as they looked.

And so the seconds ticked by as I prayed for time to stop. The silence was only broken by Jimmy who sometimes asked more questions, like "How many of them do you think there are?" and "Are we sure they will come?"

I knew I was trembling because of my weak, aching body, but it felt like I was shaking with fear. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want them to be up there, fighting and maybe dying, while I lied there and waited for that elevator to return.

And the seconds kept ticking by. "Do you want a blanket?" Sophia asked in an unsure tone. I smiled and shook my head. "I'm not cold." In fact, I was feeling very warm, almost feverish.

Much too fast the clock turned nine thirty, and Sophia declared that it was time to go.

I tried to get up to tell them goodbye, but Sophia was quickly by my side and pushed me back down. "Don't get up," she whispered. "We'll be back soon to take care of you," she said and stroked my hair soothingly. I nodded and pushed back the sob that threatened to escape my lips. "See you soon," she said and kissed my cheek before she got up.

Jimmy walked over and crouched down beside me. "Don't worry, Isabella. I'm a natural born killer," he said and grinned. "I'll see you soon, right?" I asked. "Of course. You owe me a moose," he said, and then he leaned over and kissed my forehead. I nodded and tried to smile, but I couldn't.

I looked at Violet, and she suddenly looked so small and vulnerable. "Goodbye, Violet," I said. _You'll be okay_, she said telepathically. "So will you."

I watched them as Sophia pressed the button for the elevator, as it arrived and as they walked in. Sophia was holding Violet's hand tightly in her own, and I doubted she'd ever let go. The doors closed them in, and for a brief second I could see Jimmy's eyes burn in pain again as he looked into my eyes, and then they were gone.

I couldn't keep the sobs in any longer. I cried tearlessly and tried to will myself back to my happy place, but it was impossible. All I could see were my friends disappearing behind the elevator's doors.

When I had finally managed to calm myself down, I opened my eyes. The room looked so big and empty. I spotted Sophia's phone on the table, and the idea hit me as soon as I saw it. I pushed myself up from the couch with much effort and grabbed it. I dialed a number I knew by heart and held the phone to my ear, listening to the long beeps while hoping and praying that he would pick up.

"Hello?" A tired voice answered when I'd almost given up. "Hey, Jake," I said in a hoarse voice. It was silent on the other end for a few seconds. "Bella?" he asked in an astonished voice. "Yeah, it's me," I said and wished my voice sounded healthier.

"Holy crap, where are you? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied. "I just miss you. How's Billy?"

"He's… okay. The doctor says we can't know anything for sure yet. The chemo is kicking his ass, though," he said in a voice that grew sadder on each word. "I'm so sorry that I can't be there with you."

"Why do you sound so different? Are you sure you're okay?"

I was silent for a few seconds, thinking about what I could say to explain. I didn't know if I wanted him to believe I was alive somewhere in the world, or if I wanted him to know that I was dying, and that his voice was the last thing I wanted to hear. I also didn't want to lie.

"I'm kind of… sick," I said in a voice that emphasized that fact. "What? How?" he asked in a confused and worried voice. "Can vampires get sick?"

"Apparently, we can. I got into a fight with a… werewolf," I said, almost whispering the last word. "It bit me. I've been feeling kind of shitty ever since, but I'm getting better." I winced at the last sentence. I was about to tell him the truth, but the words seemed to change on the way out. He was silent again, probably in shock. I counted the seconds.

"Jake?"

"Yeah, I'm here… it's just… I didn't even know they existed. What does that mean? Will you be okay?"

"They exist alright. The full moon, claws, yellow eyes – the whole bit," I said, ignoring his questions. That didn't go by unnoticed. "Bella, will you be okay?" he asked, sounding annoyed at my evasiveness and more worried than before. "I'll be fine, Jake. Don't worry about it."

"You're telling me not to worry that you got bit by a werewolf?" he asked incredulously with a hint of panic in his voice. I sighed. "Let's just talk about something else," I said. "How are things in La Push?"

"Where are you?" He asked for the second time, ignoring my question. "I'm in… New York," I said. Again something happened to the truth on the way out, and it turned into a lie. I didn't want him to know I was right in the middle of what was being described on the news as "biggest and most brutal serial killing-spree in history". I was afraid he'd put two and two together.

"The Cullens are looking for you," he said, and my stomach twisted the moment the words were out of his mouth. "They've been calling me every day to hear if you've called, and –" I interrupted him. "They're looking for me? Why?" I asked in disbelief. "I don't know. They came back looking for you, and then when they found out you'd become a vampire they freaked out and spread out all over the country to try and find you. I should probably call them later." He said the last sentence reluctantly.

I tried to absorb it – that the Cullens had come back to look for me, and that they were currently trying to find me, but it seemed like one of those unfathomable things, like "the universe is infinite". I wondered if I should ask Jacob for their number. Hearing Edward's voice one last time before I died, and I could feel that death was close now, was beyond tempting.

But it felt cruel somehow, to call on my deathbed just to say tell him I was dying. With Jacob, it was different. Not calling him one last time would be the cruel thing, as he was like family – like my brother. Calling Edward, who had left me a long time ago, felt like saying, "you left and now I'm dying."

"Should I call them?" I asked Jacob. "Maybe… But I don't want to hang up," he said in a sad voice. "I don't want to hang up either," I said and sighed with a smile. And I wouldn't. Jacob had always been there for me, through thick and thin, and it was my turn to be there for him. If the last voice I heard before I died was my best friend's, I would die with a smile on my lips. My body started to shake more violently, and the pain in my bones grew stronger.

"Tell me about Billy's treatment," I said in an impossibly weaker voice. He told me everything, from the first treatment and up until the one earlier that day, about all the horrible side effects and everyone who came by each day to help out. I was relieved to hear that he wasn't alone. "We'll know how it's going in a few days, when he's finished with chemo."

"Sounds like you're doing an amazing job, Jake. I'm proud of you," I said.

"Seriously, Bella, you don't sound fine. Can you please just come home? The pack knows you don't feed on humans, they won't hurt you if you stay off our land."

"Maybe in a few weeks, when I'm feeling better," I said and heard him sigh in frustration. "And you're sure that you will?" he asked. "Yeah, I'll be fine, Jake. Don't worry about me. Anything else going on in La Push?"

"Please come home, Bella," he said. He wasn't going to let it go.

And then, my chest suddenly started to burn. I had been feeling warmer and warmer, and then suddenly it was like the warmth imploded into my chest, which now felt like it was on fire. I pressed my lips together to hold in the gasp of pain.

"Bella?" Jacob asked, confused and worried by my silence. I squeezed my eyes shut. "I have to go, Jake," I said quickly. "What? No, wait –"

"I really need to go. Don't call the Cullens until I call you again, okay? And say hi to Billy from me. Love you, Jake. Bye."

I quickly hung up the phone and let out a scream. The fire was spreading through me, and I clutched my chest, which was so hot that I had to move my hands away at once. I screamed again, and the fire started to spread through my torso. I screamed and screamed, and when I opened my eyes I was on the floor and covered in broken glass, but I hadn't even noticed that I'd fallen down or shattered the table.

So this was how I was going to die, exactly the same way as when I had been born into this new life – burning in pain.


	21. Chapter 21

**This chapter is very violent and descriptive. If you skip it, I think you'll still understand what happened by reading the next chapter.**

**Chapter 21 Soundtrack:**

**Roky Erickson – Night of the Vampire**

**Editors – An End Has A Start**

**Metallica – The Unforgiven**

CHAPTER 21: WAR

It didn't take long before my whole body was on fire, but every time I opened my eyes, I saw neither smoke nor flames. I still looked physically whole.

And I kept on burning.

I couldn't keep track of time, I couldn't think about where I was or what might be happening above me. I couldn't think about the people I wanted to think about before I died. Edward, Jacob, Charlie, René, Billy, Alice… I couldn't think their names, because even as much room as I had in my mind, all I could think about was the pain.

I gasped and my chest involuntarily shot up as the bones started to break inside my body. I gasped and screamed while I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold my body together. I felt the bones in my hands break and I lifted my arm to look at it. It reshaped and grew, and blackness spread over my skin and then faded away, leaving me with a smooth, dark claw.

I felt my jaw break and my face reshape. My breath was coming out in sharp gasps as the flames broke down and reshaped my body.

The fire exploded inside of me, and with one last bloodcurdling scream, it stopped.

I stayed on the floor for a few seconds, breathing fast in shock and fear. I jumped up, and was awed by my own speed. There had barely been any movement at all; I was standing up the moment I decided to do so. I was no longer weak or sick. I felt even stronger than I had before the bite.

I slowly looked down at my body. I was wearing a long black dress, but my hands and lower arms were visible. My skin looked metallic in the way it shined in a strange bluish color. My fingers were longer and had sharp, pointy nails, like claws.

I let my tongue run over my teeth, and they too were all long and pointed, like a shark's. I slowly walked into the wardrobe and stopped in front of the tall mirror.

I looked into two bright orange and animalistic eyes that stared at me furiously. My upper lip curled back in a snarl, revealing a row of dangerous teeth. The snarl turned into a roar, and the walls shook with it. My chest was burning with anger.

I stayed in front of the mirror, breathing heavily and glaring at my own reflection. I was a vampire; I could see that in my upright stance and my furless skin. But I was a werewolf too. My eyes were orange and tilted, like an animals, and my mouth seemed to expand when I roared, like that of a monster. My hands were claw-like, and my skin had that strange dark color.

I became aware of a sound, and my head snapped to the side. It was the elevator moving. I heard it slow down and stop, and then the pling of the doors that opened. I stopped breathing and kept very still. "Isabella?" Horace voice said in alarm from the other room. I could hear that someone else was with him; there were two sets of footsteps. "Holy crap, what happened here?" Jimmy asked.

I slowly walked out of the wardrobe, and their eyes widened when they turned around and saw me. "Horace, what's happening?" I asked, almost snarling the words. He was quiet for a moment before he answered, staring at me with a shocked expression. "The venom, it must've…"

"NO! You drink it all the time," I said, unable to control the way my words came out in an animalistic and furious way. He took a wary step away from me and shook his head in disbelief. "No one has ever survived a bite like that before. The amount of venom must've…" His voice trailed off as his eyes wandered down my body and stopped at my claws.

"Holy shit," Jimmy said, his mouth half open in shock. "We heard a roar and got scared one of the beasts had snuck in or something. Was that _you_?" he asked, and I ignored his question. "Are they here?" I asked, and Horace shook his head. "The moon is up. They'll be here any moment now," he said, still with wide and staring eyes.

"Isabella, we need to get back up there," Horace said while he stared, like he was evaluating me in some way. I nodded and started walking towards the elevator. "Are you sure you…" he started, but he seemed unwilling to finish the sentence. "What?"

"Are you sure you'll be able to separate your allies from your opponents?" he said slowly, like he was talking to a child. Or an animal. "Yes," I snarled, and then turned around again and walked into the elevator. "Come on!" I yelled, as they were both still frozen and just staring at me. It seemed to break their trance, and they both shook their heads and walked in.

The elevator ride was short, but way too long. I was impatient to get outside. I wanted to be there when they came. "I'm definitely staying close to you," Jimmy said while he looked at me from the corner of his eye. I noticed that he was just barely taller than me now. "You're like… a vampire-werewolf-hybrid. God, this is awesome," he whispered and shook his head in awe. "I'm not sure awesome is the right word here," I said and walked out into the bar on the ground floor.

"Are you kidding me? Those dogs are nothing compared to you. You're like… full-on monster," he said, and I sent him a dangerous look that made him discretely take a step to the side, like he wanted more space between us. "Pussy," I whispered.

And with that, I opened the door and we walked out into the dark night.

The clearing seemed to be shining with the light from the moon and stars on the black sky. Rows and rows of vampires were standing completely still in the clearing, facing the road and the forest. The air was vibrating with the anticipation.

A few people turned their heads when they heard the door open, and their gasps made everyone turn around to see. 96 pairs of eyes were suddenly staring at me, but my mind was too occupied to feel self-conscious.

We walked forward and stopped to stand with the back row of the formation. Catherine quickly broke through the crowd to see what everyone was staring at, and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me. "Werewolf-vampire-hybrid. She's in control, she's not dangerous to us," Jimmy quickly explained with a nonchalant shrug, like he hadn't figuratively peed his pants when he first saw me. Catherine stared at me for a long time, and I concentrated on keeping up a relaxed expression. Then she blinked a few times and nodded, like she had decided to save the conversation for later, and walked back to the front.

"Where's Sophia and Violet?" I asked, so low that only those nearest could hear me. "She's in the front line, with Catherine. She didn't want to, she wanted to keep Violet in the back, but Catherine insisted," he answered with a cold voice. "Why?" I asked. "They're both well-trained," he answered through clenched teeth. His eyes were burning in pain again. "We'll protect them," I said, and he nodded. I guessed this was already his plan.

I noticed that the vampires around me, except for Jimmy and Horace, seemed to all subtly move further and further away, creating a gap in the formation where the three of us stood.

As we waited in tense silence, I wasn't sure if I wished they wouldn't come, or if I wanted them to. A part of me wanted to fight them, and to tear them apart. Another part was horrified by that barbaric side of my nature, and wanted nothing more than to be able to just go back inside and watch my friends play chess.

I looked up at the bright and big moon above us, and I was mesmerized by it. My chest seemed to glow with warmth at the sight. I kept my eyes on it while we waited, and forgot everything about where I was and what I was doing. It felt like the moon was communicating with me in hushed whispers that only my heart could hear. I wanted to close my eyes and enjoy the sensation, but I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

"They're close," I said in a low voice, but I knew everyone could hear me. I saw everyone turn their head to look at me in my peripheral vision, but I refused to take my eyes off the moon. "What do you mean?" Jimmy asked with a confused look. "Can't you hear them?" I asked, my voice calm and peaceful. I could hear them clearly, running fast and coming closer. _Thud-thud, thud-thud, thud-thud_.

"There's a lot of them," I continued in the same calm voice while I stared at the moon, and everyone else stared at me. Then, after a few seconds of silence, all heads snapped forward again, towards the sound. "I hear it now," Jimmy said. "You know, if the person I loved was here right now, I would've stood with him. I would've kissed him goodbye," I whispered. He looked at me, and I reluctantly looked away from the moon to meet his gaze. "It's now or never, Jimmy," I said. He looked towards the front line with wide eyes, then back at me. Then his expression became determined, and he nodded once before he started to push his way through the rows of vampires. I followed behind him. I wanted to be in front, where I could see them running towards us.

Sophia turned around to see what was happening behind her, and the moment he reached her Jimmy grabbed her face and kissed her. Her eyes were wide open in surprise, but he didn't let go. Then, with a soft sigh, her tense shoulders fell and she closed her eyes and pulled him closer. I looked away with a strange combination of happiness on their behalf and sorrow for being reminded of what I had lost, and went to stand next to Violet. She had looked at them once with a blank expression and then turned to look ahead, not surprised by what had happened. "Are you ready?" I asked. She stared at me with her big and innocent red eyes and nodded.

Jimmy let go of Sophia, but kept her hand in his and went to stand next to us.

The sound of their running was becoming louder. I could feel the ground vibrate slightly beneath my bare feet. Each thud of their feet against the ground brought them closer.

And then I could see the first monster round the corner and come into view. It was bigger than the one I had fought before, and was snarling and snapping its teeth hungrily. Some of the vampires around me crouched down, and so did I. I wanted them to come now. "Wait," Catherine said, and everyone kept completely still. More werewolves were appearing on the road, and I could see the treetops far ahead wavering and shaking as they fought their way through the thick forest. "Wait," she repeated as more vampires had started to crouch down. Trees were starting to fall.

"NOW!" she yelled, and in what felt like slow motion, the whole formation of vampires shot forward. I roared with the sudden bloodlust, and several of the wolves slowed down. Some even stopped dead in their tracks. I pushed out with my invisible hands with barely any effort, and the werewolves were shoved back. I was faster than the others now, and reached them first. I had my eyes on the one in the front.

We jumped up at the same time and crashed in the air. We landed on our feet, and I struck out with my claw, leaving deep gashes on the side of its head. It roared and jumped at me, but I was already out of the way. I heard another werewolf behind me run towards us, and kicked out with my leg while avoiding the claw of the one in front of me. I heard a soft yelp from behind me as my foot hit it, and twisted around so that the same foot hit the other one as well. I hit it in the shoulder and heard the bones break, but it didn't seem to bother it much.

It shot forward with its jaws wide open, and I quickly moved away. It was for a short moment confused by my speed, and I took advantage of the distraction and kicked at its jaw, making its whole head spin around with a loud snap. It fell limply to the ground.

I tore my eyes away from the dead werewolf and looked around. I was surrounded by destruction as the trees were run down and broken by the impact of someone being thrown into them.

I threw myself into the fights were the vampires were outnumbered, and quickly finished them.

I ran through the forest, now and then using my invisible hands to push away the werewolves who tried to attack me, looking for my friends. I spotted Jimmy and Sophia. Jimmy was fighting a werewolf, but at the same time he was trying to pay attention to Sophia's fight. I jumped up at his opponent's back and twisted its neck, and Jimmy quickly turned around and threw himself into Sophia's battle.

I used my invisible hands to push the werewolf they were fighting down on the ground, and they quickly finished it off.

I looked around to see if I could find Violet. I was quickly attacked, and again distracted by another fight. We jumped and kicked and roared as we avoided each other's claws and teeth, but I quickly got the upper hand and managed to overpower it.

I looked around again and started to run through the forest to search for Violet. As I fought myself through the chaos, surrounded by the horrible sounds and terrifying sights, a feeling of terror started spreading through me. It looked so much like a nightmare that it was hard to believe I was actually awake.

A sound caught my attention, and I stopped. It sounded almost like when the wolves had been running towards us, but not quite. I concentrated and heard that whoever they were they were all running on two feet. _Catherine's help_, I thought, and then started searching for Violet again.

I found Horace, who were fighting two beasts at once. I threw myself into the fight and quickly got my hands around one of the werewolves' necks. I bit down on its throat, but had to jump away to avoid its claws. It seemed weakened by my bite and started to back away from me. I turned around and saw the other werewolf's claw scratch into Horace's skin. He staggered back, and the werewolf jumped at him, but I was quickly between them and pushed at its chest, making it fall back and land hard on its back. It was quickly back on its feet, and I roared as I shot forward. Horace quickly recovered and rejoined the fight, and it was over in a few seconds.

"Where's Violet?" I asked. "She was here a second ago," he said and looked around. "She can take care of herself," he added, but he didn't look as confident as his words. "Do you hear that?" I asked. "Yes. They're coming."

A while later, I saw unfamiliar faces around me in the chaos. The forest was filled with roars, snarls and thunder-like sounds. I tried to find Violet, but I was constantly attacked and barely had time to look around before another monster jumped at me.

I was no longer driven by the bloodlust. Wherever that instinct had come from, it had been shot dead by the need to have the people I cared about safe, and by the horrified feeling that had grown in me since I killed the first werewolf. My chest felt tight with worry and fear – I couldn't tell who had the upper hand.

A strangely familiar smell caught my attention. I couldn't place it, but somehow my dead heart felt warmer at the same moment the wind changed direction and the scent blew over my face.

I didn't have time to wonder for very long before I was distracted by another battle.

Fighting the werewolves was much easier now than it had been the first time. As both vampire and werewolf, I seemed to be faster and stronger than them, making up for my lack of fighting-skills. Some of them backed off as soon as I got the upper hand, and I let them go. I knew the difference between a fight and an execution.

I caught Violet's scent in the air and quickly started running towards her with all my strength, pushing the trees away with my invisible hands to clear my path. I spotted her head first.

"No. No, no, no," I moaned and fell to my knees. I looked around and saw her leg a few feet away. I got up and started collecting her body parts, using my sense of smell to find them. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and quickly spun around. Claire was looking at me with wide eyes, but quickly composed her face and held out her hands. "If she wasn't bitten, she'll be okay," she said. I nodded and carefully placed Violet's legs and torso in Claire's arms and went to look for the rest. Her arms were only a few feet away, hidden behind one of the few trees that were still standing. When I turned around, Claire was on her knees, putting her body back together like a puzzle. I hurried over to her and gave her the arms, and then turned around to stand guard.

Several werewolves tried to attack us, but I easily pushed them away with my invisible hands and kept them at a distance. When I turned back around, Violet was standing up, as good as whole. "Thank God," I whispered. She looked at me with wide, frightened eyes. _Where's Sophia?_

"Somewhere in that direction, I think," I answered and pointed towards where I'd last seen her. And then she was gone.

"Thank you," I said, and Claire smiled and disappeared into the forest. I saw smoke coming up from the trees and furrowed my brows in confusion. I looked around and realized there was smoke coming up from the forest other places as well. _They're burning the bodies_, I realized and quickly darted through the forest towards the source of the smoke.

A small part of the forest was already on fire, and vampire-body parts lay scattered around. With a feeling of panic I started to move the parts away where the flames couldn't easily reach them. "Isabella, what are you doing?" Christopher yelled as he suddenly rushed past me with two werewolves right behind him. He jumped up and spun around, kicking both of their heads in one movement. "Don't worry about the fire!" he yelled. "Just –" he punched a werewolf in the jaw, "fucking – " he spun around and kicked one in the chest, "kill –" he leaned forward and kicked back at one that tried to attack him from behind, "them!" he finished and looked at me furiously before he started running after one that had tried to escape.

I looked at the flames that were lapping at the trees and blackening the bark, listening to the horrifying sounds around me. I decided to find my friends again and started running through the forest towards where I'd last seen them, jumping over dead werewolves and vampires as I ran.

I had almost reached the spot where Horace and I had been fighting, but stopped abruptly when I saw that that whole part of the forest was already on fire. I looked around at the ongoing fights around me, but found none of my friends' faces. I threw myself into battle after battle, desperate for it all to end.

But there seemed to be no end to it.

The fire, the horrible sounds, the smells, the never-ending attacks from all sides – it was a nightmare. I jumped into ongoing fights, attacking the werewolves from behind when they were distracted as I fought my way through the forest and kept looking for my friends. The fire was spreading and growing, fiercely licking up the trees and through the grass. The air smelled like ash and blood.

I heard a horrible sound and spun around to see a werewolf rip a vampire head off and throw it towards the fire. I quickly grabbed his head with my invisible hands, making it linger in the air above the flames, and shot forward to attack. The werewolf roared at me, but my answering roar was louder. I jumped up and kicked at its chest, and it flew back with a sickening sound of bones breaking. When it got back on its feet, I could see that it was unable to fight and watched as it started to back away.

I made the vampire's head fly through the air and into my arms and quickly sat down to reattach it. With a strange sound I had no words to describe, the parts reattached themselves and his body was suddenly whole again. He breathed in deep and looked up at me with frightened eyes. "It's okay," I said, and quickly got up and backed away from him. "Thank you," he whispered, and then ran through the forest after the werewolf that had attacked him.

I looked around, still trying to find my friends.

And then I saw him.

Two beautiful black eyes stared at me with shock and fear, then confusion, then recognition and at last a sigh of relief that brought him to his knees. It was like the wind was knocked out of my lungs. My memories, even my dream when I thought I was dead, hadn't done him justice. He was the single most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. He was staring at me, still on his knees, surrounded by chaos and fire.

Two werewolves ran towards him and jumped up at the same time that he turned around. I threw out my arm, making them fall down to the side like an invisible wall had hit them. I sprang at them and roared, running right into them without any coherent thought. Edward quickly recovered from the shock and threw himself into the fight.

We moved together like a choreographed dance. He grabbed my claw-like hand and spun me around in the air so that my feet kicked them across their jaws, and kept his hand locked with mine as we fought. The fire roared in the wind and climbed up the trees around us.

More werewolves were moving in on us, and I had to use my invisible hands to push them back while we fought. As soon as one was dead, another one appeared. _There's no end to it_, I thought to myself, over and over again, like a mantra.

Then finally, two things happened simultaneously. The moon disappeared behind the horizon on the grey morning-sky, and rain started to pour down from the thick clouds that had appeared above us.

The wolves around us fell to the ground and started twitching and crying in pain. I gasped and dropped to my knees with a sudden fire in my chest. "Bella? Bella, what's wrong?" Edward asked in panic. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my lips together to hold in the screams. With my eyes still closed, I heard another familiar voice. "Oh my God… What…" But Alice couldn't finish the sentence.

My body fell forward, and I felt Edward's arms catch me. I kept my eyes shut and my mouth closed as the fire spread through the rest of my body within seconds, breaking and reshaping my bones. To my great relief, it was quickly over.

I kept my eyes shut for a moment and breathed in slowly. When I opened my eyes they landed on Edward's above me, holding me just like he had in the dream. "Bella, are you okay?" he asked, staring into my eyes with worry. I nodded. "You have to get up," Alice said, and Edward quickly pulled me up to a standing position. I could've easily gotten up myself, there was no pain left, but I wanted him to keep his arms around me.

I reluctantly tore my eyes away from his face and looked around. The rain was still pouring down, putting out the fires around us. The werewolves were in human-form now, and they looked frightened. "Run away," I said, and most of them quickly turned around and started racing through the forest. Some of them put up a fight, but they were outnumbered now.

I looked up at Edward, who was staring at me in wonder. "I have to find my friends. Will you stay?" I asked. I had so many questions, but I needed to know if the others were okay. "I'll come with you."


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22 Soundtrack:**

**Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek**

**Tori Amos – Smells Like Teen Spirit**

**Band of Horses – The Funeral **

CHAPTER 22: THE AFTERMATH

I ran through the forest with Edward and Alice following behind me, screaming my friends' names. I barely noticed it when Jasper appeared through the trees and joined us.

The only word for it was destruction. The trees that weren't torn down or broken in half were black and dead from the fires. Dead werewolves, now in human-form, and vampires lay scattered around, and I looked at their faces one by one with a growing feeling of panic.

When I finally saw Violet, my chest tightened in horror. I found her in the clearing, sitting in the pouring rain with her back to me. For a brief second I stopped running with a gasp, and then I shot forward towards her.

She was sitting in front of two bodies, lying on their back with their hands stretched out towards each other. Sophia and Jimmy were dead.

I fell to my knees by Sophia's body and frantically tried to shake her awake. _There's nothing you can do. They were bitten_, Violet said in a dead voice in my head. On Sophia's shoulder and arms were deep teeth marks, similar to the ones on my thigh. "NO!" I screamed, and my body shook with the hard sobs. The rain felt like tears on my face.

"But I survived, I…" I said with desperate voice. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up and into Horace's sad eyes. "The bites were too deep, Isabella," he said, but I shook my head furiously. "They might wake up," I said and wrapped my arms around Sophia's limp body and hugged her to me. "Please wake up, please wake up, please wake up," I whispered in her ear, over and over again.

But they never did.

When the sun started to rise and painted the sky pink, the rain had stopped. I was still sitting on the ground, with Sophia's head resting in my lap and a firm grip on Jimmy's hand. Violet just stared, expressionless and still. I had stopped crying, but was left with a hollow feeling inside. I was only vaguely aware of the people around me. I knew, because I could hear and smell them, that the Cullens were standing somewhere behind me.

The other surviving members of Rouge had started to clean up. The body parts that weren't burnt to ashes were gathered in the clearing, where some were trying to put them back together.

I heard someone walk towards us, and Catherine put her hand on my shoulder. In my peripheral vision, I saw Violet glaring at her. "It's time to move, Isabella. You need to help out," she said in what she probably thought was a comforting tone. I slowly turned my head to look at her, and caught my reflection in her eyes. My face looked like a vampire's again, but my eyes were still a glowing orange.

"What did you say?" I asked in a dangerous and low voice. I carefully moved Sophia's body back to the ground and let go of Jimmy's hand while keeping eye contact with Catherine. I stood up slowly, and Catherine took a step back. "You want me to help clean up the mess _you_ created?" I continued in a furious voice. "AND FOR WHAT!" I screamed, making her take another step back. The few survivors of her guards started to slowly move towards us. "YOU KILLED THEM!" She took another step back and sent her guards a pointed look.

"You don't even care, do you?" I whispered. It was quiet for a moment before she narrowed her eyes and opened her mouth to answer, but before she could make a sound I pushed hard at the guard that was closest to us, making him fly across the clearing and smash into one of the remaining trees. I didn't need to move my hands anymore; my mind was stronger than it had ever been. She looked at the flying man in shock, and then back at me.

"They're dead because you wanted power. They're dead because you thought it was a good idea to slaughter people and make drinks out of them," I continued, and with little effort I pushed at the rest of her guards, one by one, making them all fly through the air like the first one had. It didn't escape my notice that no one else tried to stop me. I could see the Cullens in my peripheral vision, staring at us with wide eyes. Edward had taken a few steps towards us.

"Your little society is gone. You lost Catherine," I said and I reached out my hand, not for help but to show her what I was going to do, and then closed it slowly into a fist as the flat and grey building imploded and collapsed. She turned her head with a horrified expression. "Stop!" she yelled and held up her hands, which made me smile. The guards started to run towards us, but I pushed them back easily.

"And now you are going to die." And with that, I shot forward. She quickly darted to the side, and we danced around each other as she tried to escape. She changed strategy and tried to get her arms around me, and it was obvious that she was a well-trained and experienced fighter, but I was both faster and stronger now. I was even able to keep everyone around us at a distance with my invisible hands as we fought. Edward had started to run towards us too, but I had carefully pushed him back.

"Do something!" she yelled at Horace and Violet, who had been standing completely still the whole time, and I took advantage of her momentary distraction and got my arms around her neck. I bit down on it and tore off her head with a horrible sound, like metal being ripped apart. I fell to my knees by her limp body and kept tearing her body into pieces.

When the first sob broke through my lips, my arms fell in a sudden and overpowering feeling of defeat.

I heard the footsteps of someone approaching, but I didn't bother to push them back. They could kill me if they wanted to, I didn't care anymore. Horace crouched down next to me and started gathering the pieces in a big pile. At first, I thought he wanted to put her back together, but then he took out a lighter from his pocket and lit the pieces of her on fire.

He grabbed my shoulders and dragged me up and away from the purple flames, and kept one arm around me as we watched. "If you want to kill me too, I'm not going to stop you," he said. I looked up at him, and he stared at me with the tired eyes of an old man. "I don't want to kill you," I whispered. "I don't want to kill anyone every again," I said and turned me head to look at the growing pile of dead werewolves. "They were people too," I whispered and looked away with a sick feeling in my stomach.

"Yes. They were people too," Horace said. I leaned my head on his shoulder, and we stayed that way until all that was left of Catherine's body was white ash.

We walked back to Violet, who was still sitting by her sister's feet. _Can you carry her?_ she asked, and I nodded. I carefully placed one arm under Sophia's back and the other one behind her knees. Her head hung limply from her neck as I lifted her. Horace did the same with Jimmy, and Violet got up and started walking towards the forest.

We followed her through the now thin and dead forest, now and then jumping over tree trunks and corpses. We walked for a long time, all the way to where the forest was still green and whole. I could hear the footsteps of people following behind me.

When we reached a small opening in the trees, Violet stopped. She started digging in the ground with her hands. I laid Sophia's body gently down by the edge of the trees, and Horace did the same. Then we both started helping her, digging with our strong hands and creating a wide hole in the ground. Between the trees, the survivors were watching us. Christopher had his arms around Vanessa, who looked like she was crying silently. The Cullens had followed too. Edward, Alice, Jasper, Emmet, Rosalie, Carlile and Esme stood further back than the others, looking sad and out of place. Esme looked had her lips pressed tightly together, like she was holding back sobs.

We kept digging and digging, moving away the big stones that blocked our way, until only our heads were visibly to the bystanders. Violet stopped digging and looked up at Horace. He nodded and climbed out of the hole, and then carefully lifted Sophia's body and lowered it down and into my waiting arms. I laid her down on the wet ground, and then stood up to take Jimmy.

I laid them down side-by-side, and then placed Sophia's hand in Jimmy's and climbed back up. Violet was still in the hole, looking down at her sister's face. "Violet," I whispered, and she looked up at me with pleading eyes. I shook my head. "You have to come up." She carefully bent down and kissed her sister's forehead, and then reached up. I took her hand and pulled her up. Physically, she could've easily gotten out herself, but she didn't look like she was able to. I kept her hand in mine, and she closed her eyes.

"Sing the song," she whispered. I looked down at Sophia's face, and then I closed my eyes and started singing, so low it was almost a whisper.

"_You'll walk unscathed through musket fire. No ploughman's blade will cut thee down. No cutlass wound will mark thy face. And you will be my ain true love. And you will be my ain true love. _

_And as you walk through death's dark veil, the cannon thunder can't prevail, and those who hunt thee down will fail. And you will be my ain true love. And you will be my ain true love. _

_Asleep inside the cannon's mouth, the captain cries, "Here comes the rout". They'll seek to find me north and south. I've gone to find my ain true love._

_The field is cut and bleeds to red. The cannon balls fly round my head. The infirmary man may count me dead, when I've gone to find my ain true love. I've gone to find my ain true love."_

When the song was over, a heavy silence followed that seemed to weigh down on my shoulders. I opened my eyes. Horace handed Violet his lighter. She lit it and stared at the yellow flame for a few seconds, and then dropped it and let it fall down into the hole.

When the purple flames died out, I used by invisible hands to push the pile of dirt and stones back down the hole. Violet disappeared into the forest and came back carrying a flat stone. Its form was so perfect that I suspected she had reshaped herself. She engraved it with her fingernail and placed it on the far end of their grave.

_Jonathan Hayes and Sophia Montgomery,_

_who found heaven in hell. _

Reluctantly, and with a feeling of leaving everything inside of me behind, I turned around and started the walk back. Horace and Violet walked next to me, holding hands, and I heard soft footsteps behind us. "Somewhere far away from here," Horace said, answering one of Violet's silent questions. She nodded. Her eyes were still empty of life.

When we reached the clearing, I didn't look at the vampires who stared at me, and I didn't turn around to see who were walking behind me. I walked straight towards Jacob's Volkswagen Rabbit, which had miraculously survived the war.

"Bella, wait!" Alice called from behind me, but I didn't stop or turn around. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home."


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23 Soundtrack:**

**Adele – Hometown Glory**

**Jeff Buckley – Halleluja**

**Jose Gonzales – Heartbeats **

CHAPTER 23: HOMECOMING

35 hours later, after a drive that had felt endlessly long, I was hidden outside in the forest by the big white house that represented a previous life. A much better life. It was early in the evening, and I watched through the windows and listened as Charlie ordered a pizza, ate dinner while he watched a rerun of a game, made a call to hear how Billy was doing, and from the sound of his snores, fell asleep on the couch.

I stayed there all night and listened to the sound of him sleeping, until the sun rose on the sky. My heart broke when he woke up, presumably in a confused state, and I heard him murmur "Bella? Bella, are you… Oh…"

I listened as he got ready for work, watched him eat breakfast through the window and heard him curse as he realized the time. He walked out of the house with a tired expression, locked the door and got into his car, and then he drove away to work.

I slowly walked out of my hiding place and over the lawn, towards the big tree by my bedroom window. I jumped up and held on to the windowsill with my fingertips, pushed the window open and climbed in. My room looked exactly as I remembered it, and a thin layer of dust covered every surface. I let my fingertips stroke the top of my desk as I passed it, leaving long marks in the dust.

I stopped in front of the mirror and looked at my reflection; so much different than it had been the last time I'd been there. My eyes were a glowing orange, my skin was ghostly pale and my hair was long and almost black. But something else, beside the obvious physical changes, was different too. My face bore a sadness that hadn't been there before. It wasn't the dark circles under my eyes that made me look tired; it was my expression – the look in my eyes, the small unnoticeable frown and the set of my mouth.

I realized I was still wearing one of Sophia's long, black dresses. She had picked it out for me only a few days earlier. It felt like a lifetime ago. I pulled it over my head and threw it in the hamper, and then went into the bathroom to shower off the mud and dirt that still covered my skin. I washed my hair with a shampoo that had a familiar strawberry smell. When I got back to my room, I took a pair of jeans and a blue long-sleeve from the closet and put them on. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail and looked in the mirror again. It hadn't helped much, but I looked a tiny bit more human.

I walked slowly through the house, which was a bit messier than I remembered it. I did the dishes first, and then the laundry. I couldn't remember where we kept the cloths and mop, but eventually found it in the bathroom. I cleaned the whole house, mopping the floors and wiping off the dust from every surface. I found the letters I had sent Charlie in the living room, laying on the table. The paper was worn and full of fingerprints, like they had been read over and over again. I remembered every word I had written, but I still read through them.

In vampire speed the cleaning didn't take long, and when I was done I went back up to my room. I looked through old photo albums, smiling at the happy pictures and studying the younger versions of my parents' faces.

When I had looked through all the albums twice, I went over to my bed and pressed play on the CD-player on my nightstand, eager to learn every detail about my human-life that I'd forgotten. I realized the CD-player was empty and started looking around, but there seemed to be no CD's around.

I picked up the book that lay on the desk, Wuthering Heights, and started reading it. I could remember some of it, like the strange atmosphere and the mysteriousness of the wild moors. Some of the paragraphs gave me a strange feeling of déjà vu.

_If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it._

I closed the book and put it back on my desk. I wasn't ready to think about Edward yet. I hadn't heard or seen the Cullens since I'd left, but I had felt them as I drove – like my heart knew that they were close behind me. It had felt almost like when you are asleep in someone's arms, and even while dreaming you know they are still there. Ever since I'd gotten back, I could feel that he was somewhere out there.

Charlie was in the end the only one I had truly left behind, and I needed to see him first. I needed him to know I was okay. I needed him to understand. But most of all, I simply just needed him, like a child with a bleeding knee, crying out for her daddy.

I walked over to the window and looked out. Everything seemed exactly like when I had left. It was only seventeen months since Laurent bit me, but it felt like a lifetime ago. I looked out at the green forest, wet and foggy and mysterious. Forks was always wrapped in with the wet – the dark and rainy clouds and the thick, foggy forests. A memory came back to me, one of those who were hidden away in my mind and almost forgotten, from my first day when I had moved here. I had walked out of Charlie's cruiser, and I had felt suffocated by all the wet. The memory made me smile, and for a brief second, I felt like myself again.

I tried to hold on to it, to that feeling that I was still _me_, but it slipped away like a rope pulled slowly through my hands.

Forks would always be home to me. But standing in my old room, wearing my old clothes, I felt like an intruder. I felt like I was watching from the outside, looking into someone else's life. I imagined the missing person-posters that had once painted this city red. They were all gone now, withered away with the wind and rain, just like the girl in the picture.

No one had bothered to put new ones back up, because finding her had become a lost cause. She was one of those people whose names you find on gravestones with no body buried beneath it – another person who would eventually only be mentioned in horror stories when parents wants to scare their kids from going into the forest alone.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Looking back at everything that had happened, my choices and what they had led to, I couldn't decide if I'd been selfless or selfish. Coming back to Forks was definitely a decision based on a selfish need – the basic and human need to be with my father when things got too hard. But I wanted very much to believe that me coming back was what was best for him as well.

I wasn't a danger to him anymore, as long as I was careful around him. Breaking the one vampire law, which I was certain I was doing by letting Charlie see that I had transformed into something else, something that couldn't possibly be human was definitely something to worry about. I wouldn't come back just to leave again. It would be too cruel. By coming home I was making a promise, to myself and to Charlie, that I would stay for as long as he wanted me, and by doing so I was also accepting that he would see that I wasn't human. He would notice that I acted differently and that I didn't eat, but first and foremost, he would see and feel that I was physically changed, almost beyond recognition.

I knew he would tell everyone that I was back, and that they'd want to see me. I knew that in many ways it was wrong of me to come back.

But my internal struggle stopped there, as I heard Charlie's cruiser down the road, on his way home. I didn't expect him to come home so early and immediately felt nervous and unprepared.

I stopped by the mirror on my way out of my bedroom, composed my face into a calm and friendly smile, and tried to keep it up as I walked down the stairs. When I reached the bottom, I stopped and stayed hidden behind the wall while I listened to Charlie pull up the driveway and cut the engine.

He walked up to the door, fumbled in his pockets for his keys, unlocked the door and walked in. He kicked off his boots and took off his jacket, and then walked into the kitchen. "What the hell happened here?" He mumbled to himself, probably surprised to walk into a suddenly tidy and clean house. "Sue?" The name gave me a feeling of recognition, but I couldn't quite place it.

He walked out of the kitchen and stopped in the hallway. "Sue, are you there?" I took three steps forward and came into view. My chest swelled with overwhelming emotions: happiness, relief, sorrow, guilt – too many to really separate them. I stared into my father's chocolate-brown eyes, and he stared back.

He stood there, completely frozen. I started to worry that he wasn't moving, and not even breathing. At first he just looked surprised, and then, with a loud exhale, recognition crossed his face and his hands started to tremble. "Bella," he whispered. I nodded and bit my lip, trying to hold back the cries of happiness that were building up in my chest.

He closed the distance between us in two long strides and grabbed me into a hug that surely would have crushed me if I had still been human. I carefully wrapped my arms around him and hugged him back, very much aware of how soft and fragile he felt in my arms. I rested my face on his shoulder while he cried silently. The comfort I felt was even greater than I had hoped.

"I've missed you so much, dad," I said after a long silence. He leaned back and wrapped his hands around my face, looking into my eyes with relief and confusion and love. He didn't seem like he was able to form any coherent thought yet – but I could see all of his questions in the brown eyes that stared at me. "Let's go sit down," I said and took his hand in mine before leading him towards the couch.

When we sat down I pulled my hand out from his, aware that my skin must've felt cold and hard to him, and picked up the letters from the table. "I see you kept the letters," I whispered. "I'm sorry about that – writing so cryptically. I'm sure they didn't offer much comfort." He was still staring at me with wide eyes, and his mouth half-open, like he wanted to say something, but wasn't sure how to start. "Dad, are you okay?"

He shook his head, not like he was saying 'no', but like he needed to clear it. "I just can't believe you're here, I… I had…"

"Given up?" I asked and smiled, but I had a feeling the smile was more sad than comforting. He shook his head again and furrowed his brows. "No. No, I never gave up," he said. "What happened, Bella?" he asked and choked on the last word. I had hoped that part of the conversation could be postponed a bit longer, but realized it had been naïve to think he wouldn't ask right away. I stared into his eyes, framed by wet lashes, and tried to convey with my eyes how crucial it was for him to understand.

I grabbed his hand again, careful not to hurt him. "Feel my skin. It's different, right? And look into my eyes. Look at my face, my hair… see the changes," I said, my voice almost pleading. He nodded, but didn't say anything. "Something happened to me, and it changed me. I can't tell you exactly what happened, but just please understand that it wasn't my choice."

"Did you run away to find Edward?" he asked, and I was taken aback by the question. Did he see the resemblance? "No. No it wasn't like that. I haven't seen Edward since he left Forks," I said, which was only partially true.

Charlie sighed. "I guess I just always kind of hoped that's what happened. Or that you ran away with Jake," he said. "Hoped?"

"When you wrote that you had to leave because you didn't have a choice, well… It kinda sounded like you were kidnapped," he said and looked away from me as fresh tears started to fall down his cheeks. "Oh dad, no, it wasn't like that. I had to leave because staying would be too dangerous, not for me, but for you."

I was talking myself into a corner, and I knew it.

He looked up at me and stared silently into my eyes for a long time. I tried to communicate with my eyes, to make him understand that that was as far as my explanation could go. "Why?" he asked. "I can't tell you," I said and looked away in guilt. Then he sighed and nodded like he accepted it, and relief washed over me. "That's exactly what Jake kept telling me," he said.

"How are they doing? How's Billy?" I asked, both worried and eager to change the subject.

We talked for a long time, or Charlie talked and I mostly listened. He told me the same story that Jacob had a few days ago, only with a few new details. "Sue has been great. She helps out a lot with Billy, and she's been coming by here to help me too, even though I keep telling her not to worry. And all of that, even after Harry died –"

"Harry died?" I asked. The name brought back new memories, and I realized Sue was Charlie's friend's wife. Charlie nodded with a sad expression, and fresh guilt twisted my stomach uncomfortably. I buried my face in my hands, ashamed. "I'm so sorry, dad. I should've been there for you," I said in a muffled voice.

He put his hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, Bells. You're here now. You're not leaving again, are you?" he asked, his voice growing more panicked for each word. I shook my head and let my hands fall from my face. "I'll stay for as long as you want me to," I said. He bit his lip and nodded, and then blinked furiously to push back the tears that started to pool in his eyes. His hands were still trembling.

"I'm so sorry about Harry."

"It's okay," he said, and he really sounded like it was. Like most parents, he had the ability to make me feel like things really would be okay – like he had an aura of comfort. But still, the aching in my heart was always present.

"Where have you been?" he asked, looking at me with eyes that shone with curiosity and worry. "Jake and I lived in New York for a while, and when he had to go home to take care of Billy, I went to Michigan. I met some people who lived there, and they offered me to come live with them." He blinked a few times, like he was surprised by my very ordinary answer. "What kind of people?" he asked skeptically. "I met a girl called Violet, and she introduced me to her sister, Sophia. They are the ones who offered me to stay with them. In Michigan, I met Jimmy and Horace. We were all very close friends."

Charlie nodded, and we were both quiet for a while. Saying my friends' names out loud brought on another horrible wave of emotions, and I fought to keep my expression calm. I could see that Charlie was staring at me in my peripheral vision, and something akin to understanding or recognition crossed his face. "What happened?" he asked. I bit my lip and tried to calm the chaos that was going on inside of me before answering.

"Sophia and Jimmy died… in a car accident," I whispered, deciding I would tell as much of the truth as possible. Charlie nodded. "I'm sorry, Bells."

Time flew by, and a few hours later I was in the kitchen, doing my best at making human food. I followed the recipe to the letter, carefully measuring every ingredient. When I took the lasagna out of the oven, it looked almost exactly like the one in the picture. Charlie walked in with a hungry expression, and I smiled. "Can you taste it for me? I'm not sure it's done," I said. He grabbed a fork from the drawer and took a bite of the lasagna, nodding approvingly while chewing. "Well, your cooking skills haven't changed," he said and started to set the table.

"Uhm, no plate for me," I said without looking at him. "I'm not really hungry." Thirsty, on the other hand, I was. My throat was burning with the scent of Charlie's blood, but I still felt completely in control.

I sat with him while he ate, enjoying how the familiar scenario reminded me of my human life. "How's mom?" I asked after a moment of comfortable silence. Charlie took another bite of his lasagna, and chewed and swallowed before answering. "I think she's alright. She was really worried at first; she even bought a plane ticket to Washington. When I told her Jacob was missing too, that seemed to be enough of an explanation to her, though," Charlie answered with a hint of resentment. "Is it okay if we kind of… let her think that's what happened? I just don't want her to worry," I said, relieved that it sounded like she was doing okay.

Charlie thought about it for a moment while chewing another bite of lasagna. "Sure. I think that might be for the best," he said, and I wondered if he knew more about my mother's drinking problems than I thought he did. I looked at his face, which seemed thinner and older than I remembered it. He had deep frown-lines between his eyebrows, and his eyes looked tired. "You didn't buy that, though, did you?" I asked, looking at the face of a man who had obviously spent the last year and a half worrying. "That you had run away with Jake?" he asked, and I nodded. "No, not really. Billy kept telling me not to worry, but he seemed… kind of secretive," he said thoughtfully. "Is that why you didn't believe it?" I asked. Again, he was silent for a moment before answering.

"Not exactly. Leaving to run away with Jake, it just didn't seem like something you would do. It's not in your nature. And you left without leaving any note, and without taking anything with you… It didn't seem like you to leave and then make it look like you'd just went missing," he said, looking at his plate and shoving his food around with his fork. I nodded, momentarily silenced by the shame I felt at his words. He looked up at me and furrowed his brows. "Hey, don't do that," he said. "What?"

"You have that look on your face, like you blame yourself. If you say you had to leave, then I believe you." I nodded and smiled, and looking into his chocolate brown eyes made it almost sincere.

"Are you finished?" I asked, and he nodded. I started cleaning up, ignoring his objections, and Charlie complimented me again on my cooking-skills.

He stayed up pretty late, and I wondered if it was because he was scared that I would leave if he fell asleep. Eventually, he got up from the couch with a big yawn and said it was time for bed.

"Good night, dad," I said and kissed him on the cheek. He looked surprised, and I wondered if it was because I had done something unusual. It was hard to remember some things from when I'd been human, like how I used to act and behave. "You're not going to bed?" he asked as he started walking up the stairs and I sat back down on the couch. "No, not yet," I said. "But you're staying, right?" he asked, and I looked at him and smiled. "Of course I'm staying."

With another yawn, he nodded and continued up the stairs. He showered, brushed his teeth and went into his bedroom, and just a few minutes later I heard his soft snores.

I knew what was going to happen next, and I stayed on the couch as I waited.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24 Soundtrack:**

**Kings of Leon – Closer (presets remix)**

**Susanne Sundfør – White Foxes**

**James Vincent McMorrow - Wicked Game  
**

**Counting Crows – Colorblind**

**When you're done with the chapter (not before, it contains spoilers) you can take a look at the livejournal-entry called _Closer in pictures_. **

**Link: newmoonff . livejournal . com (copy/paste link, remove spaces, open the entry-link)**

CHAPTER 24: MY HEART

I heard his soft, almost inaudible footsteps behind me, and closed my eyes as I listened to the sound. He sat down on the other side of the couch, leaving a wide space between us.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked, and I opened my eyes and looked at him. His irises were pitch-black, with bruise-like shadows under them. His expression was calm, but his eyes were burning with emotions. I thought about his question. Was I okay? No. But now, sitting in my old house with my father sleeping soundly close by and the love of my life sitting next to me, I was more okay than I had been. "I'm not sure."

We were both quiet then. There was so much to say – so many questions that it was impossible to find the right one to start with. I looked at him for a long time and felt my dead, unbeating heart come to life. My human eyes had never done him justice; they had been too weak to truly see him. The face I stared at was more beautiful than any other face I'd ever see, I was sure of it. Not because it was physically attractive, but because even silent, it spoke to me. His black eyes sent soft whispers to my heart.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he said. Hearing my name spoken from his lips, in the voice I had tried desperately to remember, sent shivers down my spine. "What are you sorry for?" I asked. He shook his head slowly, his eyes burning impossibly fiercer. "For ruining everything," he said and closed his eyes. "You have no blame in what happened," I said, angry that he would even think it.

"What were you doing in Michigan?" I asked. The question had been boiling in my mind since I'd left them there, and it slipped from my lips before I could even decide to ask it. He opened his eyes and looked at me. "I was looking for you," he said, and I was surprised, although it should have crossed my mind before. Jacob had said they had tried to find me. "When you dropped off Jacob in Seattle, Alice could see your future again, but only a few glimpses –" he started to explain, but I interrupted him. "What do you mean 'again'?" I asked.

"Alice can't see the wolves' futures. When you were with Jacob, she couldn't see yours either. For a long time, we thought you might be dead," he said, and the sadness in his eyes seemed to reach out and squeeze my heart. His pain was my pain.

"But when you and Jacob parted ways, she could see you again. Unfortunately, she had been paying close attention to _my_ future and didn't realize this until you had left Seattle hours earlier. She saw Victoria following you," he shuddered at the thought, and his eyes narrowed slightly, "and that someone helped you fight them. We couldn't see exactly where you were and tried different roads, until finally Alice saw you driving down the I-94. By that time, we were already too far behind to catch up with you. And then your future disappeared again," he said, whispering the last sentence.

"Why couldn't Alice see my future anymore?" I asked. "We have speculated a lot around Alice's ability since we realized she can't see the shape-shifters. Carlile thought it might be because of their unpredictability. It might also be because she has no experience being one of them," he said, and his eyes were thoughtful as he spoke. "She sees vampires best because she is one, and she can see humans fairly good because she used to be one," he continued, and I listened eagerly and nodded for him to continue. "But when you became a vampire, she couldn't see you anymore because of Jacob, and when you were no longer with him, she could only get short glimpses." He furrowed his brows in confusion and frustration. "She thought it was because she had never met you as a vampire, and that that had somehow broken the connection."

"But she could get some short glimpses, like you said, couldn't she?" I asked. He shook his head and his eyes burned in agony. "Your future disappeared completely after she saw that you were driving down the I-94," he said. "We realized later it was because the moment you decided where you wanted to go, your future got tangled up with the werewolves'."

My stomach seemed to drop to the floor as his words brought back the memory. Already then, when I had been driving to Rouge with Violet and Sophia and had decided to trust them, the werewolves had become a part of my future.

It was silent for a moment before he continued. "The others – Emmet, Rosalie, Carlile and Esme – quickly joined us. We tried to find you, but it was impossible. We moved from city to city, looking for clues, but we found nothing. You were like vanished from the face of the earth. Then one day, Jasper came across a werewolf-scent in Chicago. It didn't take long before more started showing up, and we decided to stay and keep an eye on them. They mostly moved in groups and lived in the forest, it seemed."

My eyes were wide as I stared at him and listened. The Cullens had been in Chicago when the werewolves had. They had even spied on them. "And you followed the werewolves when they came to attack us?" I asked. "We were curious, but we stayed far behind them and followed their scent. We realized there were a lot more of them than we thought, and Esme convinced us to turn around. But I had a bad feeling about it. Something inside of me told me to follow them, but I couldn't justify it in my mind – putting my family in danger to follow a large and dangerous group of werewolves, and during a full moon too. On our way back, we ran into a group of vampires, and they explained everything to us."

"Catherine's help," I whispered, and he nodded and looked at me with unreadable eyes. "But why did you go with them?" I asked. "I knew you were with vampires, and these were the first ones we'd met since we started looking for you. I told the others to go back, but as you can imagine, they refused," he said.

Opposing emotions fought each other inside of me. I was touched by how much trouble they had gone through to try to find me, but I also felt frustration. Even now, when he was no longer mine and I was no longer his, he still felt it was his job to come to my rescue.

"That will never cease to drive me mad, you know. Not knowing what you're thinking," he said, looking at me with a frustrated expression. I sighed. I knew where the conversation would end up. I knew I would have to tell him to let go of the idea that I was his responsibility, that it was his job to keep me alive, but I couldn't say it yet. I wanted to prolong my time with him.

"Have you come up with an answer to that one yet?" I asked and tried to smile, but it felt unnatural. His eyes were full of wonder as he looked at me. "I do have a new theory," he said. "You can… move things with your mind?" he asked. I nodded and looked away from him. I felt ashamed. When he had seen me use my power, it had been to smash Rouge and kill Catherine. "Well, I was thinking maybe the force that you can extract from your mind is the same one that shields it," he said. "It's a very interesting gift," he added thoughtfully.

"So far I've used it to steal, fight and kill," I whispered. He was quiet for a moment, but I had closed my eyes and couldn't see his expression. "I have killed too, and for much more selfish reasons than you, I'm sure. We'll get through it together," he said, with no trace of resentment or judgment in his voice. "You don't have to stay with me," I said and shook my head. I heard him get up from the couch, and when I opened my eyes, he was on his knees in front of me.

He took my hands in his and looked into my eyes, and I stared back in shock. "I guess the time has come for me to do what I have wanted to do since the moment I left," he said. "Please, Bella, if you feel anything for me at all, please take me back and let my try and make it up for you." I was stunned into silence for a moment. "Edward, you really don't need to do this," I said. "Yes, I do, and I want to. If you don't want me back, I'll stay away and let you move on, but if you still love me, I need to ask for a second chance."

"You said you didn't love me," I said, shaking my head slightly in disbelief. His eyes started to burn again. "I'll never forgive myself for lying to you," he whispered. "And I still can't fathom how you could possibly believe me."

"Edward, if you're doing this out of some irrational guilt –" I started, but he interrupted me. "Isabella Marie Swan, I love you. My guilt for leaving you unprotected has nothing to do with me wanting you back. When Alice called me and told me you were missing, I was already on my way back to Forks," he said. "Why?" I asked. "To do what I am doing now, to beg you to take me back. I couldn't live another day without my heart." I looked into his fierce eyes, and I saw no lies there. Only… love.

I couldn't think of anything to say. It was too unreal. He sighed in frustration and tightened his grip around my hands. "I love you," he said. "It will never change, it will not weaken in time and it will never falter. I thought I had lost who I was when I became undead, but you showed me I hadn't," I looked away from him, and he let go of my hands and grabbed my face, forcing me to look into his burning eyes. "Bella, you pulled me to you. You showed me happiness, and brightness, and colors and beauty. Your kisses, I kissed them every day for the 642 days that you weren't with me."

The truth. It was too much to bear – too much happiness and sorrow and loss. The sobs tore through my body and escaped my lips before I could stop them. He was quickly back on the couch and wrapped his arms around me. He fit my head under his chin and stroked my back soothingly. I was back in his arms. It was where I had wanted to be for so long. My whole body had been aching for it for such a long time that it felt like being released from an ever-present pain. The fulfillment of such a consuming and prolonged desire was liberating – the hole in my chest, the one he had left there, was healed, and the scars in my heart, the ones left there by others, felt like they might heal in time too.

"You love me?" I asked, but I knew it was true now. I just wanted to hear him say it one more time. "Of course I love you," he said with a soft sigh against the top of my head. "I love you too," I whispered and hugged him closer.

He wasn't cold or hard as a stone as I remembered him. He was almost the same temperature as me; I was just slightly warmer than him. The skin on his neck was soft under my fingertips. His scent sent shivers of pleasure down my spine.

We stayed in each other's arms for a long time, both of us silent as we simply just enjoyed the feeling of being hole again.

"Why did you leave?" I asked, breaking the silence. I leaned back to look at him, and his expression had become agonized again. I quickly regretted asking. "When Jasper attacked you at your birthday party, seeing everyone's reaction to the blood, it made me realize what I was doing to you – how much danger I was putting you in. I left because I wanted to keep you _safe_." He clenched his jaw on the last word, sad and angry that his plan had backfired. "I'll never forgive myself," he said.

I realized then that we were both scarred – that we were both carrying the guilt for not being at the right place at the right time for the ones we loved. "You can't blame yourself for what happened. It was never your fault," I said, but my words didn't erase his tortured expression. I held his face firmly in my hands, like he had done to me, willing him to listen. "I have my family now. I'm home. And most importantly, I have you. _This_ is what I wanted, to be able to spend eternity with you. I'll never regret the decisions that brought me here, to this moment."

We stared into each other's eyes, and the electricity between us was almost tangible. I let my hands drop to his neck and stroked his hair. He lifted his hand and carefully brushed my cheek with his fingertips. "You're eyes… they're almost the same color as mine, but they're different. They're glowing," he said thoughtfully. "I think it's a werewolf-thing," I whispered, distracted by the feel of his fingertips against my skin and barely paying attention to the conversation. "How did that happen?" he asked.

His question brought me back to reality, and I sighed. "It was a month ago. I was outside, and I saw one of my friends being chased by a werewolf. It was how the werewolves found us, it had followed her and she thought she had managed to outrun it, but it caught up with her. It bit me in the leg before we killed it. The bite was just small enough that it didn't kill me, but during the following month I grew weaker each day and thought I was going to die after all. Then, when the next full moon came, I transformed into… well, you saw."

I looked down at my hands while I spoke, and when I looked up at his face, his jaw was clenched and his posture was rigid. "It's okay, Edward. In the end, it doesn't really matter. Not to me, at least." I whispered the last sentence and looked away from him again. He put his finger under my chin to lift my face and look into my eyes. "Then why are you sad?" he asked. "Well, I'll understand if it changes things for you. If it changes how you feel." He bit down on his lip, and he looked like he was holding back a chuckle, but his eyes were still intense. "You're worried that I feel differently about you?" he asked incredulously.

I didn't answer. He moved his finger from under my chin and tucked a strand of hair that had escaped my ponytail behind my ear. The electricity suddenly hummed in the air again, and I subconsciously parted my lips. His eyes shifted to them, and then back to my eyes.

I grabbed his head and pressed my lips to his without another thought. The electricity shot through my body, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders to hug him closer.

My hands were in his hair, then at his neck, then running down his back – tracing every part of his body that I could reach, memorizing it, savoring it. His lips moved so perfectly with mine, the kiss was nothing like the ones I remembered from when I was human. My skin was just as adamant as his, and so to each other we were both soft. We opened our mouths at the same time, and when our tongues met I let out a soft moan. He sat up on his knees and pressed our bodies closer together. He had one hand at the back of my head and the other one at the small of my back.

He pulled out the rubber band from my ponytail and grabbed a fistful of my free hair. I supported my elbows on his shoulders and wrapped my legs around his waist, making him moan into my mouth. He fell forward and landed on top of me on the couch. I tangled my hands into his hair, kissing him, licking his tongue and tasting him. We would never get tired. We would never have to stop to catch our breaths.

But Charlie's soft snores from upstairs told me we did have to stop some time.

I reluctantly pulled away from him. He supported his weight on his elbow and used his free hand to stroke my cheek. He looked at me with hooded eyes and smiled sweetly at me, and I smiled back, truly and genuinely happy.

Edward couldn't erase the memory of my losses. He could heal the wounds that were his own doing; he could show me I still had a heart and that even though it was unbeating, it certainly wasn't dead, but he couldn't heal the wounds that were created by others. But with Edward, I felt hope. So even though the happiness was interweaved with the sorrow, it was still complete and true.

We lay on the side facing each other on the couch with our legs tangled together. He kissed my eyelids, my forehead, my cheeks, my nose and my chin while I smiled and giggled. The sound seemed so strange coming from my lips – not unnatural, but unfamiliar. I realized that being equally warm and hard made it feel as though we were both human. I smiled at the thought – two human teenagers meeting up to make out while their parents are asleep. Knowing reality was very different didn't make me sad. Reality meant forever.


	25. Alternate Ending

**ALTERNATE ENDING:**

**This is how I first pictured the ending to Closer. When I wrote this, I had planned a different "twist" to the story: **

**Bella finds Horace's "lab" and finds out what the secret ingredient to Red is. Furious, she confronts Catherine about it and it ends in a fight, and Bella runs away. Catherine makes Airi (a character that got cut from the story – she's the one with the ability to erase people's memory) and the guards follow Bella, but when Airi tries to delete Bella's recent memory, Bella pushes her with her "invisible arms" and Airi accidentally erase Bella's entire memory. Bella "wakes up" surrounded by strangers. She pushes them away and runs. She spends years and years not knowing who she is, with only a few memories that she doesn't know the meaning of. This is the ending to that story. **

I looked out at the sea, just a vast space of blue and yellow and pink, of nothingness and everything, and I didn't believe anybody in the world felt as lost as I did. There was nothing to hold on to, nowhere to go. There was nothing I wanted to see because I didn't know if I had seen it before or ever desired to.

And then there was my heart. My heart that was missing. And I didn't know how to find it; because I couldn't remember when or where it was that I lost it. Maybe it was the same day I lost everything else.

I watched the beautiful sunrise, but it held nothing for me. There was no feeling of hope in watching a day fade away and turn into a new one, as it always would. There was no comfort in knowing that time passed, even for me. It was all just as empty as my hollow chest. _And then the lion fell in love with the lamb_… Just some meaningless words stuck in my head like an old tune I couldn't remember the name or melody of.

I didn't weep or scream. I just sat there, even as my body didn't need the rest. I sat there, not waiting, not looking, not searching – just accepting. This was my life. I was nothing. I was nobody. I had nothing to give and nothing to take. I was an echo of a person. A shadow perhaps, that had lost the feet it was supposed to be attached to.

Then the whole world turned upside down.

I felt him before I heard him.

I felt a strange tugging, like something deep inside me was telling me to turn around. It was such a strong need, that for a moment I didn't because it almost frightened me.

Then I heard the soft footsteps. Then I heard someone breathing unsteadily.

I rose from the bench and slowly turned around to see a young man standing quite far away from me, his hand on his chest and his mouth slightly open, like he wasn't sure whether he was supposed to speak, cry or scream.

In that moment, everything in me changed.

My chest swelled up as the hollow space there was suddenly filled with warmth. I mirrored his pose, holding a hand where my heart should be. Where my heart now suddenly _was_, in that place that had been so empty, still unbeating but very definitely there.

The world stopped. Time stopped. He was a stranger in my mind, but my whole body recognized him at once. My skin, my heart, my eyes and my mouth – they all recognized the man. And I knew that he recognized me to.

He fell to his knees, and I wasn't sure if it was from pain, relief or exhaustion.

_I know you, stranger_.

And I knew what I'd been looking for. I knew it in such a way that it felt like I'd known all along.

Of course I've been looking for you. Of course I love you. Of course I have a heart.

I love you, I love you, I love you. I was as sure of it as the sun is sure of the moon. It was just as certain as the fact that night will always fade into day.

I love you, I love you, I love you. You are no stranger.

_And so the lion fell in love with the lamb_.

_Bella_, the man whispered. I could hear him so clearly, and his voice was like velvet to my ears. It was such a relief to hear it. Bella. The name sounded familiar spoken from his lips. It sounded right.

Bella was the lamb. I was Bella. I fell in love with the lion. How could I ever forget it? Even as I still didn't remember it, I still _knew_, like there was a difference between knowing and remembering.

_I love you, I love you, I love you. I know that I love you._

_I don't know how or why, I just know. _

And so I ran to him, and it didn't even take me a second to reach his arms. I had everything wrapped around him – arms and legs, fingers and toes, head and hair. He was mine and I was his, and I felt so stupid for not seeing it sooner. "I know you," I whispered into his neck, where I left a trail of kisses all the way up to his mouth.

When his lips finally crashed into mine, I felt my heart swell again, something I had thought impossible. _Bella, Bella, Bella_, he whispered between the kisses. _You found me_ was my answer. While my lips were busy kissing him, it felt like my whole body was smiling where it was wrapped around him.

And then, like I didn't already have everything I knew I would ever need, a memory, and I knew very well it was a memory, flashed before my eyes. Suddenly, in my mind, I was in a beautiful meadow with this man. He was sparkling in the sun and blood was still pulsing through my beating heart. I looked at him in wonder and love. _And so the lion fell in love with the lamb_. _What a stupid lamb. What a sick, masochistic lion_.

And then the memory stopped, but it was okay. I knew he was the key to everything. I knew he could unlock the rest of them as well, and even if he couldn't, that was okay too. Just as long as he was with me, everything was okay.

"I love you."

"I love you."

"I have been looking for you for so long."

"I've been looking for you too."


End file.
